The club we went out to was super hyped: The Pink Elephant. It has been featured in the Times, People, US Weekly, OK Magazine and a bunch of other celeb publications because it's where people like P-Diddy, Jessica Simpson, Drew Barrymore, ect. go for after-parties. It's webby can be found here, if you're interested. On the surface this club looks super glam, but I beg to differ. One would expect to see beautiful people all over, but it was really a bunch of average looking people with lots of cash to spend on ten-dollar beers. I was SO glad to already be drunk and high when I went!
Broseph and his friends met us there and got in with us. A little later, a couple of his other friends tried to get in with little success. I went to talk to the European doorman to try to convince him that they should get in, and he said:
“Have you seen this guy? He is too drunk. Look into his eyes if you don’t believe me. Also, he is wearing the worst polo shirt that I have ever seen.”
So word to the wise: Don’t wear a polo shirt out anywhere there may be pretentious Europeans judging your appearance.
After this, I pretty much blacked out. I mean, I remember parts of the night and I’ve retained a vague chronology of events. I remember meeting an arab guy in the bathroom, dancing on a platform of some sorts and watching a tiny brown friend of Bro’s (we have decided to call him Paco) tenaciously hit on Lou Lou while she looked in the other direction. However, there are mysterious points of transition between the night’s activities for which I have no memory or explanation. How did we get from the club to Broseph’s? Cab, I assume, but I don’t know for sure because I don’t even remember leaving the dance club. I do remember that even being black-out drunk, I still wasn’t as drunk as Lou Lou! She successfully replaced Tew as the drunkest of the evening.
This claim is supported by the fact that she completely passed out on Broseph’s mini couch. Like, out cold. I think we poked her for a while, and she still didn’t move. The only time she indicated that she was still alive was when the love of her life Paco randomly walked into the apartment, perhaps to make a last-ditch effort to get laid, and she mysteriously intuited his presence in the room. So, she lifted up her head, opened her eyes halfway to look at Paco, then made a really disgruntled face before she smacked her head back down to the sofa armrest where it had previously laid. I’m not so sure she was feelin’ him…Broseph and I excused ourselves from the group to do things that drunken horny people tend to do when they are drunk and horny. Tew was still cracked out on Adderall, so she chilled with a cute little roommate. Lou Lou passed out alone on the couch. Night all.
The next morning, however, was full of questions and surprising answers! The first was, of course, “Where the hell am I?” I look over to see a sleeping Broseph, which answered that question. Next on my list: “Where are my friends?!” The boys had guests, their apartment is small and there is literally nowhere to sleep unless you are sharing a bed. Uh oh….
I walked to the common room fingers crossed that I would see my friends passed out on the love seats. Instead of my friends sleeping there, these people I had never seen before were straight snoozin’ away. I started to really worry. I tried calling them, with no luck the first time around. Bro told me to knock on the other bedroom doors, which made me nervous as hell because there could have been some real weird shit happening on the other side of those doors.
I knocked and walked in, to find Lou Lou in fine form: in bed with the roommate who couldn’t meet us at the club because he was with Mr. Polo shirt. She was clearly wearing his clothes (a fraternity t-shirt, like she was shackin’ up 2004 style) and they were all cuddled up. It was weird, but I was still drunk so I joined them for a minute and we tried to piece together the evening.
To our best knowledge, Lou Lou was discovered by her bed buddy while she was passed out on the couch. He thought she was the “sick girl” and knew that guests were coming to crash on the couches. So, to be a gentleman he offered her a comfortable place in his bed. Isn’t that nice? Stepping up to take care of the “sick girl” is quite admirable. In fact, he took excellent care of her, as she got face and a back massage. This guy is totally good looking, too! Seriously, what the fuck? That’s pretty much the best deal ever! I wondered if I was fucking the wrong roommate?! :-)
We got our crap together and left, looking like complete and total shit. We took photos to record how shitty we looked. I sorta resembled a tall, blonde, white female version of Tyrone Biggums. It was absolutely horrific, and we didn’t feel any better than we looked. Tragically, it was another jointless morning and there was no bud in our future, either. I just can't live like this...
Fuckin’ Tew had a very different experience. Because she’s not used to taking Addy (like LL and myself) she stayed up all night chatting up this guy who was nice enough/drunk enough to entertain her. What a sport he was! (Not saying that Tew isn't absolutely delightful in conversation - at a normal hour she has fabulous things to say) Considering the situation - Everyone else is getting action or passing out after drinking ridiculous amounts of alcohol - and he's talking about the fuckin' economy with a chick who's not passing out until 7 AM, if at all. Thinking about this makes me giggle a lot.We began to discuss our evening toward the end of our cab ride home, when our cab driver (who didn’t speak a word to us the whole time) finally stopped blaring Daft Punk on the radio. Tew was like, “That guy (we might as well just call him "The Listener") was so nice…blah blah blah….we talked about politics and had a really great conversation all night…blah blah blah” (which, I’m sure he was SO delighted, after a night of drinking, to end up with the cracked-out talkative girl who has a boyfriend – sorry dude…) So as we’re paying and getting out of the cab, Lou Lou is talking about how disgraceful we (she and I) are, and when I stepped out of the cab, I said (as I usually do after a good night):
“Well I don’t know about you guys, but I had an AWESOME time. I mean, I even got laid..”
I said this not realizing that the foreign cab driver, who hadn’t spoken to us the entire time and hadn’t driven away, did in fact have his windows rolled down. After clearly hearing me say this, he sticks his head out of the window and yells, “GOOD FOR YOU!” and waves goodbye with a shitty grin on his face. This was the cherry on top of it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment