Raw Talent, exposed

Tina's "Missouri"

Yet another "masterpiece", propagated by the one and only Perez Hilton. Click here for Tina's latest disaster. It really doesn't get any more pathetic...

David Buys Victoria a Vineyard!

I really didn't think I could possibly be more jealous of Victoria Beckham, until now. Yes, it has been reported by a San Francisco newspaper that David purchased a vineyard (at a 7 figure price tag, of course) for Victoria's 34th birthday. Now, not only do I want to have a body like hers and fuck her husband, but I want a vineyard too!!! Jesus, she makes life so difficult for me...

I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I will be too old and crotchety, if not dead, before they develop the technological advancements that will enhance the real experience of advertisements into the 3rd dimension. Just imagine the tactile experience that could come from this beautiful armani ad....

Southeastern KY: HIghest ATV-Related Death Toll in the US

Be it ever so humble... more people die in Southeastern Kentucky on ATV's than anywhere else in the nation. You can read about it here.

I have been riding ATV's since I could walk. We have always had them on the farm, and we would go on all sorts of trail rides and camping trips with the 4 wheelers. I even had my own as a kid, before I got too girly and all.

On Memorial Day, like any other free summer weekend, my dad wanted to go riding. So, he and my cousin and his pals went on a trail ride in the mountains. They rode something like 50 miles that day, and ran into some people along the way. All was well until the last couple they ran into on the trail needed *some* assistance.

They were a newly wed couple: this gentlemen was taking his wife on her first-ever atv ride. He was driving, and dad noticed that this guy had also had a bit too much to drink. This guy tried to dare my father to do some bogus trick into a river. My dad is no fool. He told him that it was not a good idea. The drunk did it anyway, and ended up throwing his wife off of the ATV, and damn near dying underneath his flipped 4-wheeler, which was at that point both crushing him and holding him under the shallow flowing river.

Since my dad is huge and pretty much king of the world, he went into fight or flight (just as he did when he once ripped off the door of a car with his bare hands to get my mum's stolen purse back... among other crazy occasions where he has gone Hulk). My cousin described dad's response to the situation: "He jumped off the 4-wheeler into the river, where he picked up that idiots 4-wheeler and threw it to the side of the river so he could scoop that guy out of the water...all by himself."

So dad gets this guy on solid ground, where he's breathing and all of his vitals are good EXCEPT for the fact that the skin covering 1/4 of his head, including one of his ears, had been scraped from his skull and was hanging on only by a small connecting piece. Dad described the side of his head as, "peeled like an orange." A large portion of his skull was exposed. He said that he was bleeding profusely, and his whole face was covered in blood like some B horror movie. Dad had to tie this guy's "ear flap" back in it's place with someone's t-shirt. The whole time this guy's wife, who had never been on a 4-wheeler before, was going hysterical - balling and screaming. What a mess! This guy was taken by helicopter to the hospital in Knoxville, TN because his head trauma was too serious for the local-yocal docs that were nearest to the trail.

So yeah, this is the most recent ballin' thing that my dad has done. There are more, and I might blog about them just because they are so f'n crazy. Wear your helmets, kids.

Holy Humpday!

Wednesday was a crazy day that deserves mentioning:

1. I went to a meeting re: the writing of my thesis with a bunch of other grad students. We ate pizza and it was very casual. I had planned on going to the gym after this meeting, so I had on my work-out attire. Spandex shorts, tank top, pink hoodie, tennis shoes and a headband. I didn't have anywhere important to be, just going to eat pizza, right? Obviously not....

because one of my craziest, (favorite) professors - this wild, single polish woman who studies Medieval architecture and WEARS THE SAME PAIR OF BLACK LEATHER PANTS EVERYDAY- felt the need to comment on my wardrobe:

"Morgan! You are wearing shorty shorts and have pink all over!"
-"Yeah..."
"...But you are a graduate student ! If you are always dressing this way then no one will take you seriously!"
-" well, I'm going to the gym."
"Ohhh! I am glad for you that you are going to the gym!"

This woman - while she is a badass and I love her - is still a 55 year old college professor wearing one pair of leather pants everyday to give lectures. She is worried about people taking me seriously. This makes me laugh.

Okay, so after this ordeal and the meeting, I go to put my gym clothes to good use. Along the way, I see a crowd in the middle of campus, so I took a wee detour to see what they were protesting, fighting for, getting free samples of, ect. There is a portly gentlemen wearing a driving hat preaching in the middle. I asked a guy in front of me about the ruckus this guy was causing. He informed me that this christian fundamentalist fruit cake travels around to college campuses preaching about how God hates homosexuals, people who are pro-choice (or as he prefers "pro-death" and even equates "racist" to pro-choice!), drinkers, smokers, fornicators, frat boys, sorority girls, basically anyone who has a good time at all. Then, when he instigates a fight with his really hateful language, he sues the student and the school, they end up having to settle in court, he gets compensated for damages and the student gets expelled. Pretty fucked up, right? This is how he makes his $crilla.

The things he says are unbelievable. He is basically Jesco White with a Bible - a crazy ass with a loud voice and too much time. Here is an abbreviated list of people he identified as being in hell right now:

John Bonham, the drummer from Led Zeppelin
Ghandi
Mother Theresa
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Bob Marley
John Lennon
Jim Morrison
Pope John Paul II
Johnny Cash (who he refers to as "Johnny Trash")

After hearing this list of people who are, according to this fucktard, in hell right now, I have to say that I was most taken back by the mention of John Lennon. (He also called Yoko Ono an asian slut, upon his mention) During this "Hell Roll Call", you could hear dramatic audience reactions, a projection of gasps, when John Bonham and John Lennon were both mentioned. The crowd was really the best part - a whole slew of young, sassy, educated liberals- quick to shout outrageous things at this man to set him off. I, admittedly, was part of this crowd (however unsuccessful at instigating any banter with him), when I proudly shouted out, "I've had ten abortions!!!" He looked at me, but I think he was too busy getting into it with some boys in the front row.

Those guys were a real trip: they called him out for being "gluttonous" since he had quite the belly on him. Brother Micah responded to this by challenging them to a push-up contest: "I bet I could do more push-ups than you!" he said. This guy just kept on and on with bogus, ignorant remarks and suggestions. What 55 year old fatty challenges some stout 21 year old to a push-up contest?

Well, this contest and MUCH more is in "The Nuts Strike Back" (part 2, forthcoming) Yes, this is a recording of the demonstration. I stood behind the camera man, but I didn't show up until the end of part one. The atheist who posts these has a good sense of humor. Part one is posted below. It's about 10 minutes long, but some notable moments include:

sometime around 2 minutes is when he equates being pro-choice with being racist.
at 5:30, 2 lesbians walk up to him and start making out. He reacts by theatrically gagging himself and puking.
7:30 is funny because brother micah askes *rhetorically*: "Do you know why jesus was nailed to the cross?" and someone from the awesome crowd yells back, "BECAUSE HE WAS JEWISH !!!"
8:14 is when he talks about Obama endorsing "Homosex marriage". I showed up about a minute before this, so I caught this part in person.

Other great Brother Micah moments include him being asked if he had any formal training or education in religion. He tried to get around it and failed, finally admitting that he "hadn't been to cemetery." (rather than, you know, seminary). He is also caught on tape preaching, "FEAR of the LORD is the beginning of Knowledge...when I have children I am gonna beat the hell outta them !!!" Now folks, that's a wholesome Christian man. Watch and be amazed:

Obviously, the reason I scare away men...

Astrology = truth. Look what I found concerning "intimacy issues" (they have them for all signs here)
Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
People sometimes feel threatened by you, Scorpio, which can be an obstacle to closeness. It's not that you avoid intimacy; you thrive on delving deeply into feelings and confronting issues. It's just that your intensity and blunt honesty can be too much for others. And, they may feel you want too much. On the other hand, you may hide your deepest feelings, afraid that if you open up you'll be betrayed. You need to learn to trust more.


intensity? blunt honesty? naw, never !!!

Dildo Bust

cheers to BF for this gem!

News flash-Big drug bust. News reporters on the scene. This camera man gets a great shot of this location: he's right where all the action is, where everyone is coming out of crack house hauling out boxes of "evidence"....like the HUGE dildo that the guy behind the reporter carries out the door! Watch in amazement.

Weezer's "Pork and Beans" tribute to youtube classics

A good one from Stella:

Weezer's first single released from their "Red Album" which is set to come out on June 3rd... only a few days! This video is great, it has in it every video that has drawn its own cult following. Numa numa guy, STAR WARS KID, miss teen south carolina, and rainbow socks chick are my favs. And I second Stella on the fact that rainbow socks chick is pretty cool, too.

Technoviking plays no games

courtesy of BF.

Only in Berlin would this person exist: Cshof owes it to himself to track down technoviking and film a new dance tape of him leading his loyal followers down the German streets, dancing to electronic music. awesome.

"Zut Alors!"

Thank you, BF! xoxo

I've got a Crush!!!

Okay, so I'm hot for one of my professors...not JUST a professor: an Australian archaeologist who is really cool, has a great sense of humor and traveled all over the globe. It's more like a brain crush, really. He is full of amazing information; stuff that I'm dying to know about, which is part of the appeal. I'm enchanted by everything he says and does. He's multilingual, which is dreamy and exotic. I laugh at all of his jokes, because well, he's pretty damn funny. I have never listened so attentively to anyone in my fucking life like I listen to this man. Here's an article that the university did about his excavations in Pompeii. Picture's not that good, he's pretty cute in real life. He's also married with babies in real life too, *sigh* but I can still dream...

Den of Sin/Wisdom nostalgia

When I was president of my sorority, I got to live in a suite on the lower level that had it's own bathroom. My roommate, Flavia, and I - along with max- had some great times in this room with all of our other friends stopping by and hanging out. I had a long ass day today, so I came home and smoked a bowl and all of the sudden it came to me: There was a music video released by deathrow records in 1996 that I feel represents our time in that glorious room perfectly, and on so many levels.

Notice:
1. The world's best "West Sides"
2. the judge's moustache
3. Snoop's courtroom hairstyle.

Campus Graffitti Bomb Threat

This was in my inbox today:

University of Cincinnati Police are investigating a threat communicated
by graffiti found in the men's restroom of the Center Court dining area
of the Campus Recreation Center.

The written message threatened that a bomb would detonate in the area on
the afternoon of Thursday, May 22.

Following investigation and consultation with other law enforcement
agencies, UC Police do not believe the threat is credible.

In order to be absolutely certain of the safety of the university
community, police will conduct several precautionary searches, including
a thorough sweep of the Campus Recreation Center from 1:00 PM to 2:00 PM
on Thursday, May 22. The Center will be evacuated at that time.

If you have any information concerning this situation, please contact UC
Police at 556-1111 or Crime Stoppers at 352-3040. The UC Police also
have a "tip" line to receive information about criminal activity. That
number is 556-COPS (2677).


Are they sure that someone is not planning on taking a big dump? Considering the context and placement of this graffitti along with the second meaning of the phrase, "Dropped the Bomb" as "took/taking a huge shit", I think they might be overlooking something here. Nevertheless, it's always great to take precautions. I hope they remember to get a glade plug-in, or a can of airfreshener...

"Hercules and Achelous" Tops April Auction Sales at 8.1 Million

I finally checked the sales for April ( I know, I'm slacking...) and I was elated when I discovered a 17th century Dutch artist (my period of specialization in the history of art) at the top of the list! Cornelis Corneliszoon van Haarlem, a Dutch Mannerist painter from Haarlem, sold his allegorical painting, "Hercules and Achelous" for roughly 8.1 M USD at Christie's in New York. The top ten auction prices for the month were much lower in comparison to other months (when there have been Francis Bacon paintings selling for 50 M each!). April's top 10 totaled 56.1 M USD.

Cornelis is, in my opinion, a pretty awesome painter. He's a forerunner of the Haarlem school, from where one of my most FAVORITE painters - Frans Hals- also comes. Cornelis is known for painting huge, naked, contorted bodies - limbs reach, grasp, flail and torsos stretch and twist all over the place. It's very active, dynamic and emotional. He's got work all over the world, because he is so fucking cool. Some of the more famous places with his paintings: the Frans Hals Museum, the Rijks (he could pop up on the widget at any moment...oh the suspense!), the Louvre and the Hermitage.

Just as I love the painter, I am also extra-excited by the subject matter of the scene, as I just re-read Ovid's Metamorphoses from which this scene portrayed by Cornelis comes. It's the story explaining the mythological origins of the horn of plenty, or cornucopia AND some of the original inspiration for the sport of bullfighting. A summary of what is going on here: Hercules is fighting with the river god Achelous for the hand of the nymph Deianeira, daughter of a king of Calydon. Since Hercules is a badass, and the pussy river god knew he was no match for the demigod, his only possible advantage over Hercules was his ability to change forms. So, Achelous turned himself into a bull with hopes he could defeat Hercules. With no avail, mighty Hercules used all of his strength to wrestle Achelous to the ground, where he defeated him by ripping off one of his horns. Hercules won the nymph Deineira, who he presumably fucked (nymph=nympho, notorious in classical mythology for their passionate love affairs with gods and mortals). Her posse, the Naiads (nymphs of freshwater) took from Hercules the horn of the bull-form of Achelous, and filled it with fruit and flowers creating the first cornucopia.

In the painting, Hercules is of course the overpowering human, Achelous the bull who takes up the majority of the canvas (which is a criticism of Cornelis' composition). In the background to the right of the fight scene, you see the group of pale nymphs, holding the fruit and flowers they will use to fill Achelous' horn and foreshadowing the outcome of the battle taking place in the foreground.

Think of the Roman poet Ovid as roughly contemporary to Jesus. He wrote Metamorphoses in 8 AD. His account of Hercules and Achelous was certainly one of the best-known and most popular stories about bull fighting, but it's not the first time classical history that someone has recorded a human instigating conflict with a bull. In the 15th century BC the Mycenaeans on mainland Greece (and it's believed that people in the fertile crescent even before their time) incorporated the bull into many of their religious practices, which involved doing some really stupid shit, like jumping over bulls. We know this from wall paintings. Nevertheless, when Ovid writes about badass Hercules conquering the bull to get some ass from a sexy river nymph, it became very cool and impressive to piss off a large bovine, then overpower it.

I would argue that this concept of domination holds true to this day. People still fight bulls in Europe and Mexico, and cowboys ride them all over the United States. You know what else? Matadors and Cowboys are still glamorized and considered by many women to be very sexy, just for what they do. If I had more time, I would develop a ridiculous argument connecting Ovid's Metamorphoses to assless chaps. But, that is neither here nor there today.

A final note on the more recent provenance of this painting: The guy who originally owned it was a German living in east Berlin before the fall of Communism. Apparently, he "incorrectly filed taxes", so the Stasi police took this painting from him and gave it to the Bode Museum in Berlin. It was JUST NOW returned to him, and he made the decision to sell it through Christie's. It's rumored that Jeff Koons, the neo-pop artist who was married to that freak-nasty Italian porn star, was the buyer. I am only slightly obsessed with provenance, if you didn't know. Also, I hate communists and socialists.

Fuck School. Fuck Salt!

So I'm probably not going to be posting much in the next two weeks. Here are the reasons for this:

three short (5-6 pg.) artist bios, including provenance lists and descriptions of the work.
one 20 pg. paper on landscapes in Roman wall paintings outside Pompeii
one 10 pg paper on Drunkeness in Jan Steen paintings
two 15 pg papers on the Mycenaeans: "The Present State of Mycenaean Terracotta Figurines Scholarship and Interpretation" (see picture), and the other 12 pgs. is actually a set of three essays that should be anywhere from 12-20 pgs in length, but we shouldn't spend more than 6 hours on (these were the instructions, straight from the prof). It looks as if I will be exploring Mycenaean pottery, the end of the Bronze age on mainland Greece, and the Mycenaeans and Linear B (the deadest language in the world, which I can semi-effectively translate, or at least pretend to. I have many valuable skills to offer the world, this I know.)

This totals 70+ pgs of shit that I have to make interesting. Have I started? No. So, if you call, text or email and I don't respond, you know why. I am cutting myself off from the rest of the world until June 10th. No booze, just books.

I do not think you can imagine how drunk I will be come June 10th. Furthermore, my shitty roommate-ex liberation will be shortly thereafter, and I will have my pad all to my self! I have decided that I'm getting a keg and renting out the clubhouse for a toga party to celebrate my liberation. No underwear allowed. Everyone will have an awesome time.

Photo: 3 Mycenaean terracotta figurines, circa 1450 BC. On the left is the Tau type, and the two on the right are of the Phi type (names come from the Greek letters that share their shapes).

Anthony Kiedis and the "Uh Oh" feeling

My friend and I both concurred that our first memory of attraction to the opposite sex involved fine-ass Anthony Kiedis. Yes, and specifically Anthony in the "Under the Bridge" video. I remember being in 4th or 5th grade and thinking, "Wow, he's a boy, and he's not gross. He's actually quite awesome and I might like to touch him. Or, more specifically, slap him, but that's hot. yeah, totally hot. A boy is hot. wow." It was truly a life-changing moment, and because of this, I deemed it important to post this blog entry.

So I re-visited some RHCP videos to determine AK in his prime (which is funny, considering he is now 45!). I have determined that AK was the sexiest when I saw him play on the Californication tour with the Foo Fighters my freshmen year of high school (99-00).

You can see that Anthony is the hottest in "Otherside". A close second is Anthony in "Can't Stop". You will probably need to change your panties after watching these. Now, "Under the Bridge" doesn't seem as awesome as I remember it, because I'm comparing it to him now. But, I can think back on his days of cocaine addiction...and what a great lay he would have been when he was young and jacked on uppers. I still have very nasty thoughts about this guy, and if I weren't so celibate, I would...

Yeah so maybe its the music that's so sexy...I mean, RHCP is, to me, very sexy music. But now I'm thinkin' what would my sex sound track have on it? Let's see...

It's gonna start with RHCP.... "Snow"
Muse "Starlight"
Bush "Glycerine"
Feist "I Feel it All"
Cranberries "Linger"
A Dandy Warhols song...
The Features "Contrast"
Local H "Hands on the Bible"
Peaches...for a while
then hmm....MIA "Galang"
Muse..."Supermassive..."
Queens of the Stonage "No One Knows"
then, I guess this hypothetical Mega Man who has lasted now for 11 + songs would probably be spent at this point. Wait, actually this is my imaginary scenario, so Mega Man (Anthony Kiedis) would actually keep going until I was tired, at which point we would not get up immediately and start watching ESPN, but instead smoke bowls, listen to John Denver, talk about how sexy I look naked and how awesome it is that I have a ferret named after a Roman gladiator. That is one sweet-ass soundtrack.

However, I have made the executive decision that I am going to be celibate for an indefinite period of time. It was pretty easy when I had a BF who never wanted to do it, so I don't think it's gonna be a challenge. I have some good strategies. However, if Anthony Kiedis does come along looking for "A young Kentucky girl in a push-up bra", I might just have to show him what it's all about. Just maybe. You know, if he's around anytime soon. 'Till then, I'll be listening to music that wants to be sexy, but just doesn't cut it: Prince....or the new My Morning Jacket album, same difference....

Rijks Widget

Okay, so a new addition to this page is my Rijksmuseum widget. On the right, you'll see a different painting from their *awesome* collection each day. You can click the arrow in the lower right hand corner to "flip" the painting over for more info on it. If you first click on the + in the middle, the painting gets much larger and you can still flip it and get even more information about the painting. You can download the desktop widget at www.rijksmuseum.nl. Or, you can just visit my blog every day and git un edjukashun!

A concise account of my weekend

Things I did and/or stumbled upon this weekend:

x concert: old punk rockers still got it. played a great show. Wish I had been drunk instead of high. two best boy friends from HS came and stayed with me. So glad to see them both - they are some of my favorite people in the whole world! What a great excuse to make a big Thai meal for them, too. I love cooking for other people. Very glad to smoke my friend Monty's most incredible 70 bud. did not even smoke shit like this in cali or europe. It's from TN and it's fuckin' crazy! At any rate, it fucked me so. Rather than getting beers at the concert, I got a snickers bar, a bag of grippos and a pack of skittles. They were the best snacks I have ever eaten. I had an awesome time.

Chez Nora: I love this little jazz club, and I wanted to take my mum there so we could drink a bottle of wine before we went out in mt. adams. Well, we discovered that Hillary Clinton was having a rally at MayFest, so we ended up seeing Hillary (who actually looks better in person than on tv!) and then we drank beer on the streets and got goetta balls. we eventually listened to some jazz...Stoopid Rooster was the band and they did perform some pretty amazing arrangements.

Hofbrahaus: I took my mum to the biergarten in newport, and discovered that she has more game than I do. My mother is fairly well preserved and hasn't lost it. Some guys bought us beers, and it took them 45 minutes to figure out that we were mother and daughter. They were terribly drunk, though. We watched one guy dive off of a 6 ft. tall planter right into the pavement. He likely broke some bones in his foot, but he was so drunk that he didn't care. Mum got a big kick out of it!

Mt. Adams: A place I need to go more often. CUUUTE guys were everywhere! I hadn't seen a REAL LIVE cute guy since I was back in the bluegrass, where they know how to breed them. Ma Mere still wants me to move to Scotland after I graduate and marry a Scotch boy, I think to reconcile what she DIDNT do.

Taft Museum of Art: I took my mother to a tea party with a Cheshire Cat theme. I might have to post a picture. We wore matching purple outfits and yes, we are cool enough to do that.

"I don't fuck republicans anymore" steps in chihuahua shit

The story of the weekend and it's not even mine...

My friend Minnie has been seeing this guy. Let me take a moment to describe him:

His attributes include a ponytail, a chiseled sexy body, a tour in Iraq, bartending school, good taste in women, a kojak (a shaven nether-region), and a penis of a respectable size. He seems like a nice guy. Good enough for one of my best friends? Probably no one is, but he'll do for now. At any rate, she needs to keep him around because this guy is a great source for funny stories.

First: Minnie swore off fucking republicans. This guy talked up so much liberal business, just singing her song. They fucked, then he comes out as a republican. ha! I think he's a libertarian, myself. I could at least talk him into being one.

Second, this fucking happened after Mr. Bartender mixed up some Spanish Fly under the code names of "Lemondrop" and "Cosmopolitan". You see, these concoctions were crafted after the liberal talk, to get Minnie drunk enough to 1. do it with this suave guy, and 2. forget about taking her dog Pancakes out for a bathroom break.

So, they got drunk and did it. Pancakes the Chihuahua was on the bed, WATCHING them go at it. Good thing she has been spayed, or she'd be getting some pretty raunchy ideas from her momma after this experience, I'm sure. Afterwards, the two wild sex kittens decided it was funny to call his Kojak wang "Baby Dick". This man has no shame...and apparently it's nothing to scoff at, either. Still sloppy drunk the next morning, Minnie (still unclothed) stumbles from her bed with the hangover God only dishes out to a select few. As she steps down, her foot finds a sweet pile of reprimand for the naughty carnal display, straight from Pancake's ass. Yup, she stepped in a steamy pile of Pancake's dogshit.

Naked and still drunk, she hops on one leg to the bathroom (around 5:30 AM) to wash the shit off of her foot. While doing so, she belligerently swears and mumbles. Mr. Bartender didn't act like he was paying attention, but I'm pretty sure he knew what was going on. Inside, he was nodding in approval....at the effectiveness of his Spanish Fly.

The lesson of the day: Don't talk shit about Republicans. 1. it's too easy, and 2. It'll get you in some serious shit.

Old Punks at Bogart's

Tomorrow night, two of my best friends from high school are coming and staying with me to go see X at Bogart's! If you haven't heard of them, you've at least seen their main man, John Doe. He's done some work in film: He was in "Boogie Nights", where he played Julliane Moore's ex husband, and he also played Jerry Lee Lewis' drummer in "Balls of Fire". I'm pretty sure it's not sold out, so you should totally get tickets :-)

Afterwards, I'm sure we will end up at Arlin's or Christie's, hopefully NOT stealing or vandalizing, but who really knows?!

weekend debriefing

This morning, the following notice from my home owner's association was left under my door:

"The office has received several complaints regarding noise coming from your unit on Friday night. Also, someone from your unit was seen lighting a match under a smoke detector in the hall. As this has not been the first time the office has received complaints about loud noise late at night in your unit - I have told everyone who hears this again to call the police. Although it is your home, it is also other people's home and everyone has the right to the quiet enjoyment of their own unit."

I am working on a written response to this, and when I finish, you can be sure that it will be posted here. However, now that I've had some time to gather details from my friends, I feel that it is only right to explain the actions which prompted this 'written warning'.

I had DAAP people + barristers over for cocktails on friday. I tried to bake a bunch of shit, like chicken and artichoke dip, and could not do so without smoking up my entire home. We battled my smoke alarm for a good 30 minutes. We drank primarily wine and Kentucky cocktails...made with *a lot* of bourbon. First mistake of the night. This lasted for about 2 hours, and by the time we left, I was drunk enough to be coming back home. My friend Stella was drunk enough to take one of my Koi fish plates in her arms and declare, "This is the most gorgeous plate that I have ever seen !!!" before a very energetic, heartfelt embrace. When you are fucked up enough to share a moment with a plate, you should probably not leave the house. However, we weren't concerned with such "red flags", so we ventured out for the evening regardless of our poor conduct (that wasn't going to get any better).

Of course, the fun wouldn't be complete without a visit from the world's shittiest human being (with whom I live) picking a fight with my barrister friend Minnie that was rooted in the fact that I had Snoop Dogg tickets and he did not. She takes no shit, and in our favor, he chose to pull this crap about 10 minutes before we were leaving anyhow, so it didn't ruin our time. Luckily, we were so drunk and high, that no matter how hard he tried to kill our buzz, he failed miserably!!! Ha ha! I poo in his general direction...

We smoked far too much weed before Chris' performance. To what did this amount? At the very least, we had a predisposition to dramatic reactions to his hairstyles and wardrobe changes, hollering and wide-eyed animated facial expressions during the entire show. After Chris' show, we saw all the pretty pictures, and I remember my friend saying lots of weird things about the art that entertained me. We continued to drink, and drink, and drink some more, until it was time to go to the other gallery.

This time we drank keg beer and, because we had killer munchies, ate about 420 pigs in blankets. These pigs in blankets were so delicious that they were brought up in conversation, nostalgically, several times later on that night. I even approached some strangers on the patio and asked, "Have you tried those piggies? They are damn good and will most certainly change your life." I had completely forgotten about this, until yesterday in the DAAP cafeteria a group of 3 guys that I THOUGHT I'd never seen before approached me, and one of them said, "You're the girl in the purple dress, from the gallery! You told us the story about the piggies...that was awesome!" I smiled, apologized and still do not know who the hell they were. Only god knows what kinda bullshit I fed to them. Weird.

After this gallery, we went to Arlin's. A guy who looks like a 7 ft. tall Waldo drove us, and I managed to say some of the world's most offensive things to him (who woulda guessed?) Here, Stella discovered the "Secret" bar. By this, I mean the back way to the downstairs bar that wasn't open, but we stole straight booze from anyways. Stella stood on a toilet seat and wrote my full name on the bathroom stall walls. Similarly, I did lots of doodling too, but my approach was slightly different (I think). While I wrote out abbreviated versions of her name, I am quite sure that the bulk of my stall wall art embraced the cock-and-balls motif. Weiners...my favorite thing to draw on other people's property.

Shortly thereafter, the negative karma from my acts of vandalism and theft came to bite me in the ass. I was so drunk, that I felt very generous, and started buying rounds, shots, ect. I wanted to barf when I checked my balance online. I wouldn't have even remembered this, had Stella not instructed me to investigate friday evening's altruism. I said the 'F" word a whole lot.

A friend from school drove a few of us back to my place, where we decided to 1. Inflate my kayak in the livingroom floor, so someone could sleep in it (however, there was a full size air mattress directly underneath it that apparently we'd ignored in lieu of the kayak), 2. played some twisted version of quarters, with juice and high ball glasses and sparkling beringer white zinfandel, and 3. woke up my old ass neighbor below, who yelled up from his balcony at us. I'm pretty sure this is the dickwad who filed a complaint.

The next morning, one would anticipate the world's worst hangover. However, we took care of that with a good ol' fashioned wake n' bake. My old roommate from the sorority house came up around 10 AM, and she, stella and I went to eat at my most favorite cafe in Newport. We chose to sit on the patio, where we could soak up some sun. No one else was sitting outside, and we were in a secluded garden where it only seemed logical to smoke more weed. We got a lighter from our very cool waiter (an emo kid) who I am quite sure got a contact high from taking our orders. Needless to say, munchies hit hard and we tore up the menu. I had red wine with my salmon, then opted for a piece of their awesome pie with a glass of milk. Our waiter came out after I'd already put in my dessert order with another glass of wine and a small glass of milk.

"Oh, I didn't order another glass of wine!" I told him.
He said, "I know. We're going to do a little experiment to see what this looks like in your stomach."

He proceeds to pour the milk into the wine and make the nastiest looking creamy mixture I've ever seen. It really fucked with me too, but the munchies helped me stay focused on my slice of pie, so I didn't get too distracted. Also, a skanky lookin' black dude kept walking by us on the street wearing a bengals jersey, and we kept hollering, "Hey!! It's CHAD JOHNSON!!!" and then laughing at ourselves. It was very funny at the time, trust me on this one.

After a very long, crazy lunch in the secluded garden, we went to pick up my buddy Chris and go to lunar mini-golf. On the way there, as we were driving down the highway, a fat ass nasty insect flew into the car and started creeping all over Stella's neck and hair. She flipped the fuck out, and made us pull over so she could get it off of her without causing me to wreck. I pull into this gas station beside this harmless looking red minivan. She gets out, does a spaztic dance, and as she is jumping in circles, I spot a FUCKING CIRCUS CLOWN in the parking lot, getting into the mini van right next to us. We all start laughing, shouting, freakin' out, everything you can imagine. We raced out of the parking lot. The clown was watching us the entire time, and giggling at our shenanigans...

As for the lunar mini golf, It was way suckier than I thought, but they had awesome glow in the dark paintings, and I did win a miniature T-Rex for getting a hole in one on the prize hole. He is currently residing with the weed babies.

After lunar golf, we got lost in a big mall, ate some BBQ chicken and went back to Clifton to drop off Chris. On our way out, we saw a street fight. A young black dude was lifting an old black dude up off the ground by his collar. A whole gang of 7 and 8 year old black kids were in the street watching it all, and everyone else in the neighborhood was on their porches rubberneckin' the shit out of it. It was like a scene from "Don't Be a Menace In South Central While Drinkin' Your Juice in the Hood". We drove by real slow so we could be like the black peoples and watch it, too. We should have probably called the cops, but we were ridin' dirty.

After some power naps, Roomie and I did this shit all over again....went to Christie's, drank ourselves silly, and passed out at my place. We are ridiculous....

nicknames given to me by non-caucasians

1. The Girl Full of Life (an Indian)
2. Hollywood (black dude)
3. PlayaMade (black dudes)
4. Big Country (black guy)
5. Leggy (black guy)

There are probably MANY that I don't know about, given the nature of what I do. This evening, I used this line to get a couple of my student's attention:

I gesture to his pal, who was playing on myspace instead of doing work and not paying a damn bit of attention to me: "This guy sucks dick for crack. So, have you finished your reading?" Random and fragmentary. Gets 'em every time.

Also, I might need to change panties after leading a study session on Kantian ethics. Not because I like Kant, in fact its quite opposite: I anticipate on molding these young minds to be Objectivist thinkers, in opposition to Kant's hyper-egalitarian universal crap. I have so many Kant crits up my sleeve that these cats won't even know what hit them. Hegel, Nietzsche, the whole gang is here tonight. Game on. Ayn Rand would be so proud.

My horiscope today reads...

Morgane,
Legal controversy is best avoided now, if at all possible. It is far better to settle out of court than to fight to the bitter end. Sudden changes at home may catch you by surprise. There may be some difficult issues to face with a member of your family. Secret affairs may cause a great deal of complication in your life.


(I swear these are so fuckin' accurate...)

1. It feels like I am going through a messy divorce
2. My mother is coming to visit this weekend
3. Umm...yeah that last line is a neat one.

A fantasy of mine...

I secretly wish for all of my material possessions to magically come alive for a spontaneous dance party. I love dance parties! I have a really cool soap dispenser that I know would make an awesome dance partner. My curling iron wouldn't be half bad, either. Sure beats the hell outta sugar plums and fairies!

This is the original version of "A cause de garcons" by Yelle. She is the shit.

I really need to have a dance party soon....maybe this summer!

Yelle "A cause de garcon"

I am currently obsessed with Yelle, and there exists a wealth of fabulous videos of her on youtube that I highly recommend. She invokes such nostalgia francaise. I miss Godefroy and Jonothan like hell, and I can't help but to giggle when I think of their awesome break-dancing at the Pavilion in Mt. Adams - this skinny dancing frenchie reminds me of them!

So what do I find offensive?

I laugh at retards. I relish the word "cunt". I even love racial humor and sexist jokes. I didn't start hating myself during 2g1cup until the vomiting part. What, might you ask offends me? I will tell you now.

DO NOT FUCK WITH MY MAXIMUS

Never. Just don't think about it. He is my baby. I have a web page named in his honor. Do not talk shit about him, around him or behind his back. Do not tease him in a mean way with his toys and treats. Do not under ANY circumstances EVER hurt him. The consequences will be gruesome. I cannot even type here what I would do to a person that hurt Max, for fear that it could be used against me in court.

What prompted this? Well, just last night I realized that very little bothers me, after being cussed out by a huge black dude, stood up for an appointment and then getting a fuckin' parking ticket. While these things certainly frightened, disappointed and annoyed me (respectively) I am pretty good about letting it roll off my back. UNTIL Max is brought into the picture. Then backwoods KY comes right out and shit gets red. That's all there is to it.

He's a tiny, friendly, lovable little weasel! He sleeps at the foot of my bed, gives ferret kisses, gets ready with me every morning, watches me fix my hair and even drinks some of my cereal milk. How could you even think of mistreating something this cute?! Undoubtedly, Maximus is my soft spot, and the point on which I take no crap.

Weekend details: Help!

Below, you will find a list of questions I posed after this weekend's activities, in no particular order:

Why is there an inflated kayak in my living room floor?
Where is Maximus?
How did we get from the Gallery to Arlins? (still don't know the answer to this one)
Who's calling at 9:30 AM?
Where is this "secret" bar with the free booze?
What happened to my place mats?
Where is that wine I had earlier?
Where is the Weesil?!


This only grazes the surface of the antics...I was too high to remember details about exactly what happened most of the time, so I'm hoping my girlfriends will help fill-in with any important info that I'm missing, good quotes, ect. SO, until I figure out some code names for my friends AND have a long debriefing of events that occurred this past weekend, this entry will be postponed. Sorry!

Till then, I will be creating some code names for my friends involved in this weekend's shenanigans. Email me with your preferences and I will try my best to honor all requests. Godspeed.

Weather in the Nasty Natti

The precipitation today was everything that feminine hygiene products try to emulate and more. It rained just about every way it could rain - downpour, cats and dogs, sprinkles, mist, drizzle - and it fluctuated throughout the day. We are left with a lingering, pollen-scented fog that will make it shitty to drive in the morning. But, at least I can say that after walking across campus several times today, I feel like a very clean vagina.

Speaking of, did you know the vagina is the only organ besides the eye that cleans itself?

Indian News Site

Indian people rule. They can say awesome things in their tabloids, and unless they're horribly translated like this one, then no one would ever know. I love the ending of this article, and the numerous references to shame and failure.

Major Tom to Ground Control: Weed Babies

Tonight I have been laughing my ass off. You see, last saturday I bought a handful of miniature naked plastic babies. I had this brilliant idea to dump them all in my weed jar (see photo). For the past 45 minutes, I have been developing scenarios for their being in the weed. These stories have ranged from extreme sports scenarios to a deranged version of Gilgamesh. I have even dramatically released them into the jar individually to watch them tumble down the buds, while playing David Bowie's "Space Oddity" to create a bit of theatricality. Jesus Christ my stomach hurts from laughing.

And yes, it's just Maximus and I, and he doesn't seem to care very much about the weed babies.

Peaches "Fuck the Pain Away"

This might be my favorite video of all time...

Bluegrass Nostalgia and the Shit Show

As you may know, I ventured down to Lexington this weekend for a friend's birthday celebration and the derby festivities. The result: a gorgeous disaster which included ample belly laughing, meeting my future ex-husband, gambling, triple-threat puking and hotties. The best weekend I've had in a while...I will take you through chronologically, as my brain cells are not functioning well enough yet to put together a thematic recollection in a way that would be comprehensible.

9:30-I arrive in Lexington while the girls are at a movie. I sit at the hotel bar and begins drinking bourbon (Knobb Creek, if you must know). Quickly realize how much better looking the boys are in Lexington vs. Cincinnati. Tall, hunky, well-bred, well-dressed...just yummy. They were everywhere. It made me so sad that I would eventually have to come back to Cincinnati where everyone looks the same and acts the same (unless you're not from Cincinnati). I meet a pilot named Bob from Texas who once flew Elaine Chao to Africa so she could condemn cruel child labor practices.

9:45-I receive a phone call from one of my best friends who had just taken the last law school final of her first year. She had been binge drinking since she finished said final, around 2 pm that day. Wasted, she called to inform me that she had lured her Irish cab driver (age: 55-60) into her apartment by sparking his interest in a Thai elephant painting that hangs above her sofa. After she convinced him to come into her humble abode and see the painting, she trailed him back out to his cab in her driveway, got in it again and made out with him. True story.

10 pm-Girls arrive at the hotel downtown. We are 12 in number. Cases of Korbel champizzle are consumed directly from the bottle, along with shots of vodka. Stupid photos are taken. Stories are told. Girls will be girls, until....

11:45-when we become rabble-rousing hussies who decide to go out to the bars. This is when the real shit show begins. Location: Cheapside Bar and Grille, Lexington, KY. At midnight, Meg would turn 21, at which point we would disgustingly flatter the following men for an unquantifiable number of shots and drinks:

-an Irish Middle School teacher (who's name I have forgotten, but it was something like "Flannery O'Rourke", you get the idea)
-Jimmy, a regular who made me take a tequila shot with him.
-Dan, a guy who bought us bourbons that we kinda forgot to talk to after that...
-Georgia boys, who I challenged to a high-kick contest, among other things...
-Chase, and two of his other friends whose names I don't remember from Knoxville, TN, who I met through...
-Paul from Miami, 65+, a retired Equestrian Veterinarian who grabbed me around the waist, whispered some naughty things in my ear, and from that point on introduced me to people as his "Future Ex-Wife". He had the thickest Brooklyn accent I have ever heard in my life. He was accompanied by his son, who was actually my age, saying some of the same things to me as his dad was saying, i.e. "You've gotta be a model," "I have never seen legs like these," and my ALL-TIME favorite line that I've ever heard from a horny drunk guy at a bar:

"There's only one way I could handle the curves on your body, and that's in my Porsche."

My response: "I don't know about that, it really depends on the model. These hips sink ships, baby."

There is nothing more gratifying to me than being given the opportunity to humor myself with outrageous responses. It was like he was setting himself up. His son did the same shit, too. They were a trip... At one point, this Un-fuckin-believable father-son duo both had their arms around me, spitting these horrible lines in my ears, completely aloof to the fact that I was hearing the same crap in the other ear, too. The only difference: about 35 years.

Meanwhile, my girlfriends were sitting talking to these guys, unaware of how drunk they were getting. By last call, everyone was trashed, especially the birthday princess. When we left the bar, she took a concrete-eatin' spill outside on the sidewalk, and couldn't even stumble 2 blocks back to the hotel. So...

2 AM-We wave a cab. Luckily, this super-awesome guy who went to undergrad with me, Jacob, was hanging out with us, and he was nice enough to pick Meg up off the ground, and put her into the back seat of this cab. We all pile in, and the cabby asks in a thick Brogue, "Is she gonna be alright?"

Holly says something to the effect of, "Yeah, but where are you from?"
"I'm Irish," he says.

I yell as loudly as possible from the back mish-mash, "YOU FUCKIN' MADE OUT WITH MY FRIEND EARLIER!!! YOU WENT TO SEE THE FUCKIN ELEPHANT PAINTING!!!!"

He lost it and absolutely cracked up - it was the same damn taxi cab driver that my pal made out with! What are the fuckin' odds?! He was dumbfounded that we knew about that - it was one of those really devastating, unbelievable, overwhelming small-world moments. I think about it now, and still just shake my head... Dude was old, like, grey old. *head still shaking...*

Once back at the hotel, Jacob carries Meg back into the hotel and puts her on the bed. The very moment her body touches the bed, she projectile voms everywhere - the bed, the walls, the carpet - I'm about 90% sure that I saw the figure of Virgin Mary in some of the vom...it was pretty elaborate. At this point, the unexpected happened.

As you may have read, I was a little apprehensive about hanging out with these undergrad youngsters. They are so conditioned for binge drinking, and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up and would end up in bed at like, 10:30. However, the very opposite happened!!!! I, in fact, did pretty fuckin' good - I drank nothing but hard liquor all night and didn't yack! I was indeed, the only girl who DIDNT puke! Holly sat indian style on the floor and vommed into an ice bucket, Cassie made it to the toilet and decided to sleep beside it, and Meg just yacked on pretty much anything around. They were all puking in the same room at the same time, and I felt like I was the conductor of the Yack Symphony as I stood facing them, cracking up. This was the shit show grand finale.

The next morning, everyone was spry and vivacious.... hehe that's funny. We discovered that our other girlfriends had gotten kicked out of the hotel at 3 AM and had driven back to Danville. Jesus what a night.

I started the next day with my buddy who made out with the Cabby. She still had shit drawn on her legs with marker. We had an awesome day! We smoked bud, and went to a head shop where I purchased awesome things:

-tiny plastic naked babies
-An Ayn Rand book on Capitalism
-The Chomsky-Foucault debate on human nature
-a book on classical architecture in Turkey
-an art history book with some great essays that span ancient Egypt-Middle Ages. Love it.

AND two new glass pipes! YES! We named them, and christened one of them. The Christened one has a little glass skunk on the top which has googlie eyes that stare at your when you hit it. Hilarious! It's name is the Weesel, because the little skunk so fondly reminds me of Maximus. The other one, which is still freshies, is named Sophistication. This way, the pipe I smoke from will determine and/or enhance my behaviors and actions at that time. Obviously, if I am going to smoke a bowl and write an art crit or read for my Roman Archaeology class, then I will only smoke bowls from Sophistication. If, however, I'm having friends over and we are anticipating a Bobby Mackey's night, we will abandon Sophistication and smoke only from the Weesel.

So, after we got this cool shit, we ate at Pazzo's: the best pizza and beer in the world. I miss that place so much! I couldn't drink at this point, anything but redbulls. Just to keep my head up on Saturday and make it to the race track, and eventually make it home, I drank 5 redbulls.

The track was fun and awesome, but the experience as a whole was quite Shakespearean with the Eight Belles tragedy. Poor little philly....

If you don't come to this then you are definitely retarded.

If you live within 2 hours of the Cincinnati area, you better have your ass at the Reed Gallery to watch my buddy's performance. 7:30, this Friday, prepare for awesomeness. He is super talented and funny, and there will be *lots* of booze, and likely a cocktail party at my place beforehand.

If you are in Cincy, and you choose not to come, you are subject to a Cincinnati Surprise, when you least expect it.

From urbandictionary.com:

1. Cincinatti Surprise (n): When you take a shit in a pillow case and beat someone over the head with it several times.
ex. Billy was bein' an ass so i gave him the ol' Cincinnati Surprise!

Please add that term to your vocabulary, and please come to Reed Gallery at UC this Friday so you don't become a victim like 'ol Billy. I will use my ninja skills to blindside you.

Cast your vote for the official Kentucky Tartan!

Check out this press release from UK. I am totally getting a full blown Kentucky kilt, and I will wear it with all the other highland accessories, and it will be sweet. I voted for the one to the far left. The link to vote for your fav plaid is at the bottom of this article:

LEXINGTON, Ky., (April 28, 2008) – Only three universities in the United States boast an official tartan or plaid. The University of Kentucky soon will make four. Recently UK students were challenged to create a plaid unique to the university, and Kentuckians can now choose their favorite in online voting through May 9.

The Kentucky Plaid Project began in January as part of two undergraduate classes in the UK College of AgricultureÂ’s School of Human Environmental Sciences. Students designed plaids in Kentucky colors as both a class project and entries in a contest to determine the universityÂ’s official plaid. The winning design will appear on products available for purchase as early as August, including a scarf and tie. More products will be offered in the future.

“This is a real-world experience for our students,” said Scarlett Wesley, merchandising, apparel and textiles assistant professor and one of the project’s coordinators. “They are earning class credit for a project that ultimately will establish a new tradition at UK and create a signature plaid fabric that is uniquely UK.”

Wesley said the project also provides an opportunity to integrate applied technology in teaching to generate economic benefits to the school . All royalties from the sale of traditional UK plaid products return to the School of Human Environmental Sciences to enhance the studentsÂ’ educational experiences.

UKÂ’s first lady Patsy Todd is honorary chair of the Kentucky Plaid Project advisory committee. Wesley said the committee was extremely honored by her participation and help. Todd also is an alumna of the school.

In March the advisory committee, made up of UK faculty, staff and industry professionals, narrowed about 35 entries down to their final four. The committee will announce the winning plaid as well as a winning tag design and logo after the online voting is complete.

Wesley believes the project is a great opportunity for partnership among UK Athletics, the College of Agriculture and UK fans nationwide. “This will be something all associated with UK can be proud of,” she said.

This fall, merchandising, apparel and textile students will begin to develop more Kentucky Plaid products as a class project.

The university community as well as all Kentuckians and friends of the university are encouraged to vote by going to http://sweb.uky.edu/plaid/.

Sponge Cake Kid

via Lauren Williams:

I thought that cake looked pretty fuckin 'tasty myself - but I guess that's why I'm not an instant rock star.

Jacob Jordeans "The Bean King"

This is one of my all time favorite paintings, mostly because of the dude who is pukin' drunk in the lower left corner.

More fun with Glen the Personal Trainer

So I saw my personal trainer again yesterday, and at the beginning of our session, he asked me:

"Would you mind if one of our student trainers shadowed our session today? She's in the training program and if you're comfortable with her watching us work together, then I think it would be very good experience for her." I, of course, didn't give a shit, just another person to shock and appall. Her name was Wendy. She was tiny, overtanned and looked like she needed some pink polka dot bows in her hair. Cute, sweet and all that. So good ol' Glen begins this trialogue (now that there are three of us involved) by asking me some questions, in an effort to get little Wendy thinking about how to deal with her clients' needs. Most of it was repetitive shit that he'd already heard answers to the other day. Medical constraints, Goals, and finally:

"And Morgan, are you training for anything specific?"
"Yeah, I'm training to be fuckin' sexy and specifically, lookin real good nekked!"


Dude about lost it. Wendy was confused. They made an acknowledging eye contact, at which point I called them out on by saying, "Yeah that's the shit he warned you about me saying in your little pre-game preparation chat, isn't it?" Morgan 1, Glen 0.

I also shared with them the made up names I have for many of the weight machines and exercises that I do. Here are a few examples:

The hip ad/abductor machine = The Bad Girl
tricep curls=bingos (because they keep you from getting flabby arms, which are also known as "Bingo Wings")
anything on a big stability ball=wallowin'
my ab workout on the small stability ball=the tempest, because I take it by storm and the aftermath is devastating.

I have tons more, a term for almost everything I do at the gym really. And of course when I explain these I refer to them very seriously.