Snoop Dogg on Larry King Live

How did I not have this earlier? It's from fuckin february...I feel so embarrassed! Please do yourself a favor and watch this. It contains the Quote of the Election Year:

"I'm not down with the Republican Party or the Democratic party, I represent the Gangsta Party."

Poak Chops: A Follow Up

This evening, I made the executive decision to learn the Poak Chops dance in lieu of studying for my Roman Archaeology midterm. It's pretty easy, and VERY fun - I'm gonna wear my crazy ass gold tights this Friday and try it out on the dance floor. I will keep you posted on how that works out for me. There will be butta beans all over the place!

"All Kinds of Fucked UP"-Sarah S.

Austrian Man Detained for Imprisoning and Abusing Daughter for Decades
By VOA News
29 April 2008

An Austrian judge has ordered continued detention for a 73-year-old man to allow authorities time to investigate charges that he imprisoned his daughter for 24 years and fathered seven children with her.

An Austrian judge has ordered a 73-year-old man held in jail on charges of imprisoning his daughter for 24 years and fathering seven children with her.

Police Tuesday said DNA tests confirm that suspect Josef Fritzl fathered the children, three of whom were held and raised in a windowless dungeon with their mother in the town of Amstetten, west of Vienna. Authorities say the suspect adopted three other of his offspring, and that a seventh child died shortly after childbirth. Fritzl said he burned that body in a furnace.

Police say Fritzl has admitted drugging his 19-year-old daughter in 1984 and locking her in the cellar of a home he shared with his wife. The basement prison could only be entered through a hidden door with an electric code.

Authorities say they only discovered the situation when one of the children was hospitalized last week for an unspecified illness.

Police describe Fritzl's daughter, now 42, as greatly disturbed and under psychiatric care.

Police said Monday they were trying to determine how Fritzl's wife could have lived in the same home with her husband for more than two decades and not know of its prisoners.




(just for the record, I don't think this is funny. It's just weird as shit, to the point where I was offended and disgusted - a rare occurrence for me!)

Speaking of Teaching...

A priceless dialogue I had with another student tonight:

He had a writing assignment to complete during our session, but instead was looking at pictures of girls he'd met on facebook, talking about how horny he was. Frustrated with a sinus headache after repeatedly asking him nicely to stop and work so we could both go home, I got totally fed up at his rude sexual behavior and said, "Get the FUCK off facebook or I'm walking out that door. Your DICK AIN'T GONNA WRITE THIS PAPER ON ITS OWN!"
He slowly and calmly turned his head, looked at me and replied, "You never know." He finally started working! So he did end up finishing his assignment, and after our time I asked, "Do you have any questions? Is there anything else I can help you with tonight?"
His reply: "You can go ahead and fuck me."
"Uh, seriously, what do you think are the chances of that?" I said more sarcastically than I've ever said anything in my entire life.

"About the same as my dick writing that paper."


I decided that sometimes you've just gotta throw in the towel and laugh your ass off...

Those who can't do, Teach?

Far from a ninja, the whitest kid ever talks you through the execution of a mean-ass roundhouse kick (to the face, hopefully).

Sorority Life, Derby and then some

I never realized how lucky I was during undergrad to have the friends that I had. There are all these negative aspects of sorority life that are played up, so many people find it difficult to see all the good that comes from greek life. I consider my time as a Kappa as the best years of my life. Indescribably fun! How fortunate I was to have 70 gals to choose from for companionship on any given night. Not just any girls, but rad chicks who shared my humor and zeal for life. At any time, I could call up a friend (or a group!) for parties, eating out, bowling, smokin', happy hour or Reno's kareoke. Jesus Christ I miss Reno's! I was so lucky!!!

Things are different now - my girlfriends live in the UK, California, Germany, DC just to name a few. This would be easier to deal with if it were so easy to get into a social circle in Cincinnati. I have a small program, DAAP is a small rumor-mill of a place, and everyone in archaeology is SO serious that they read on weekends. I am used to FAR more recreation! My bar hopping buddies and old house mates from KKG are doing different things, and I haven't found replacements. I have met cool girls in my program that I love to death, but they also have boyfriends and everyone knows that boyfriend = lame-o. :-) There are also very awesome guys that I hang with that are totally fun and entertaining. I am just so accustomed to sisters in estrogen after college!

FORTUNATELY for me, I will be seeing a bunch of my old girlfriends at my little sis' 21st birthday party. Yes, that's right, 21st. As the oldest invited (I believe) There will be one of two roles that I will fulfill: I will either be the babysitter, holding the hair back of my young puking friends, or I will get completely out of control and arrested. The latter is probably not a good idea, since I'm no longer dating the son of a highly influential attorney. fuck it.

The next day I will be waking up, putting on a bubble gum pink capri summer suit and heading to keeneland for the derby day celebration. It is going to be outrageously fun = again lots of beer and food! Good friends, good times. I am very much looking forward to seeing familiar faces at the races! I also plan on hitting the trifecta. Boo yah.

Iranian official warns against importing Barbie dolls

TEHRAN, Iran (AP) - A top Iranian judiciary official warned Monday against the "destructive" cultural and social consequences of importing Barbie dolls and other Western toys.
Prosecutor General Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi said in an official letter to Vice President Parviz Davoudi that the Western toys was a "danger" that needed to be stopped.

"The irregular importation of such toys, which unfortunately arrive through unofficial sources and smuggling, is destructive culturally and a social danger," Najafabadi said in his letter, a copy of which was made available to The Associated Press.

Iranian markets have been inundated with smuggled Western toys in recent years partly due to a dramatic rise in purchasing power as a result of increased oil revenues.

While importing the toys is not necessarily illegal, it is discouraged by a government that made its name on preserving Iran from Western cultural influences.

In Monday's letter, Najafabadi said the increasing visibility of Western dolls was raising the alarm among authorities who were considering intervening.

"The displays of personalities such as Barbie, Batman, Spiderman and Harry Potter ... as well as the irregular importation of unsanctioned computer games and movies are all warning bells to the officials in the cultural arena," the letter said.

Najafabadi said Iran was the world's third biggest importer of toys, and these smuggled imports posed a threat to the "identity" of the new generation.

"Undoubtedly, the personality and identity of the new generation and our children, as a result of unrestricted importation of toys, has been put at risk and caused irreparable damages," he said.

Authorities launched a temporary campaign of confiscating Barbie from toy stores in 2002, denouncing the un-Islamic sensibilities of the iconic American doll. The campaign was eventually discontinued.

That same year, though, Iran introduced a competing doll—the twins Dara and Sara, who promoted traditional values with their modest clothing and pro-family stories but they proved unable to stem the Barbie tide.

In 1996, the head of a government-backed children's agency called Barbie a "Trojan horse" sneaking in Western influences such as makeup and revealing clothes.

Barbie is sold wearing swimsuits and miniskirts in a society where women must wear head scarves in public and men and women are not allowed to swim together.


Copyright 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Weekend Overview: Beethoven's 9th and Redefining Putt-Putt Golf

I accidentally had yet another stupid weekend. I'm giving a long-ass presentation tomorrow in class on my boy Jan Steen. It hasn't actually started itself yet, for several reasons.

First, I would like to stress my INTENDED weekend plans. They included going to the symphony to watch a friend from archaeology classes perform the 9th on Friday night, coming home, waking up early on Saturday morning, shopping, grilling out and working on school shit. How quickly this changed! First, I end up dousing myself in wine and thai food before the concert with my friend Juan. Feeling fat and happy, he proceeds to tell me some awesome stories about his adventures in eastern Europe, while on digs in Hungary. This guy has the best Gypsy story I have ever heard in my life! He was once cursed by a Gypsy, snapped his thumb the next day, climbed 90 meters out of a cave under Budapest with a broken thumb, then hospitalized in a Hungarian hospital where the doctors and nurses smoke while they deliver treatment. There is no way in hell that I can do this story justice on this blog. You will have to listen to Juan tell it. I almost cried laughing!

So fat and happy Morgan and Juan roll into the concert, which was fabulous, then decide to make an appearance at Arlin's. I thought it would be a great idea to bring in my tambourine, since it is Arlin's and anything goes. Plus I was so musically inspired by ol' Ludwig! Basically, the world's biggest douche bags were there, they bugged the shit out of me for my tambourine, and shook it in my friend's face like assholes. It made me quite angry, so I employed my passive-insulting method to put them down. I have carefully refined the art of telling a guy that he has a little dick and will never get laid, and getting him to agree to this while smiling the entire time. These dumbass men then do not realize what they have confirmed or how it reflects on them, because they are too drunk and too blinded by the fact that they think my country accent translates to stupid, slow and naive. This strategy, of putting wasted, horny, rude men in their place, is one part sexual manipulation, one part Socratic method, and one part Scotch wit. Oh yeah, and one part me being a bad ass. I've been man-hating a lot lately, which is not good, but if you lived with what I lived with, you would be a hater too.

Another good reason I was gone all weekend. Away from the loser. So after Friday at Arlin's, I went with a couple art guys on Saturday to "go play putt-putt". We were going to begin this adventure with a round of beers. Of course, this round of beers turned into several rounds, and by 5 I was wasted and mini-golf was far off in the distance. Like, next year, in the distance. I think we went to 4 different bars. I, of course, attracted the world's biggest douche, yet again. He "LOVED" my accent, because apparently he'd dated a KY girl before. He bought us all bourbon, which was a blessing and a curse because then we had to play bocce ball with this cheesedick, and his friend (who was way cooler than him) who I called Silent Bob the whole evening. Since I thought we were going to play putt-putt and ride go carts, I was wearing a beastie boys T and gym shorts, and hadn't even brushed my damn hair. Classy, I know. Somehow, we end up eating hot dogs at Fries Cafe and watching a bluegrass band play, where I found myself yelling, "ROCKYTOP!!!". If only JoAnna had been there. Also, at some point I thought my purse had been fuckin' stolen, but I'm not getting into that. I shouted 'cunt' on accident in an old man's face. He was pretty scared. I made friends with the guys in the bluegrass band, 2 of them were named Ed. They dedicated a song to me. Our group was ridiculously loud, now that I think back on it. We finally ended up at Arlin's, barely alive, where everyone else was much less drunk, because they did not begin pounding beers at 2 in the afternoon. A forty year old woman cupped one of my butt cheeks and told me that I had a nice ass. I have just come to terms with the fact that I attract weirdoes and assholes of all kinds. Did I need to drink for 10 hours to discover this?


I was also fortunate enough to see Bryan's wrestling videos: They are awesome beyond imagination- everything I expected and SO much more. It is an injustice that they are not digitized and on the web!

Wish me luck on my presentation.

Gettin' Fit & More

So the personal trainer is not actually a douche bag. He handled my trials pretty well, earning my respect and making me feel slightly guilty for being too judgmental.

At any rate, he took my vitals and did fitness tests for the entire first session. Height, weight, you know the whole deal. He took my blood pressure, which was slightly low, then my heart rate. AFter he took my heart rate, he kept stopping, saying that he messed up, and trying again. He was very confused. So I asked him if something was wrong. He said that my pulse was consistently 30 beats per minute higher than the average healthy gal my age. All of my other numbers were great, except for this one, which was why he was confused. He asked about my meds, which sparked this conversation:

"So are you on any medication?"
"Yeah, I take adderrall,"
"So is that for your asthma?"
"No, it's for my spastic, unwarranted behaviors and the distractions they cause."
"Oh, okay, well your heart could be affected by this, because I've never seen numbers like these before."
"Yeah, that's probably it. It is an amphetamine. I take a lot of milligrams. Sometimes I feel like my heart is going to blow up when I'm running."
"Oh really?! Aren't you concerned about that? You probably need to be proactive about this issue."
"I am. I smoke a lot of pot. Then I chill."

The look on his face = priceless. I legitimately scared the poor guy. At any rate, I discovered that I am 16% body fat and that if you took all the fat out of my body - tits, ass, eyelids, whatever- and just stuck it in a pile by itself, it would weight 34.6 lbs! He also determined from the tests that I need 1,484 calories each day just to lay on the couch. That's 14 beers.

Penis Theft in the Congo

Read this article about those who have been arrested in the DRC for stealing and or shrinking dicks. They say that they use black magic. Whatever the case, I think they are finally doing white guys some justice. They don't need those baseball bats. Black dudes dicks are far too large anyway.

Catch of the Day

okay so some things have been happening that you may or may not care about:

I just want to make this clear that I looked like total shit all day. Somehow, this resulted in some unexpected interactions, 2 of the 3 positive. I still don't understand - I have no game, but somehow this results in well, I guess I won't know for a few days what it results in, nor do I really even care, but it's flattery any way you slice it. After enduring months of Robert the Shithead, it's not a bad thing.

I still have not been able to try out my kayak. It is probably the largest disappointment in my life right now. But, I still walked to the river today, took a good read (Voltaire) and decided that I would try getting back to nature on my own terms, by myself. I made a little spot for myself in the grass on the riverbank. There was a fisherman about 20 yards away with several poles set up. After getting situated, trying to soak up some sun, this fisherman (an older gent) walks over to me. I kinda wanted to ask him questions about what he was fishing for, water quality, ect. anyway, so I didn't mind a chat. He talked for a while about fishing, where I lived, small talk stuff really. His name was George, and he told me that he'd been fishing for hours but the turtles had been stealing his bait. George invited me to come cast with him, after I told him that we used to have boats, and that I grew up fishing on our farms. I only casted twice before I caught a fish! This had to have been an omen. Ol' george must have been impressed:

"Have you been to the river front down at Newport yet?"
"yeah I have, it's very fun!"
"Yes it is, especially for singles, are you single?"
"It seems like that's pretty true," (in an attempt to avoid what comes next)
"Because if you are single, I would love to take you there sometime,"

My reply: "Aw, George I am so flattered, but I have a ferret at home that I can't leave for long periods of time, and I'm already at school so much that the poor little thing gets so lonely. But you know what, I bet I will see you down here some and I'm looking so forward to that!" Ali, this reminds me of that old guy we dissed in napa valley, Mr. Twirls. Jesus! It was the best way I could find to be nice to the old guy. You know how they are, somebody's grandad!

Okay, so the next one: a guy from work asked me to a cocktail party downtown. cha cha cha I get to buy a new dress, which is the shit.

Finally, since I discovered that my insurance would cover a personal trainer, so I am with him tomorrow afternoon. I was hoping that I might get some big buff hottie, but this is not the case. His personality is the big kicker: I met with him today just to chat, and he said he "couldn't let me work with anyone else, or he would regret not getting to know me better."

Okay, so the rundown: On a good day (when I happen to be gross) I attract a horny old man who probably can't even get it up, a friend from work who I couldn't date even if that were the case, and this douchebag "bro" who thinks he is hot shit but really just looks like conan o'brien with muscles. He is also from Ohio, so I have an idea of how to put him in his place. Hopefully, he won't be such a pain that I have to be a queen cunt to him. At any rate, the fish from the Licking River was the catch of the day!!!

I might have an awesome story about this son of a bitch posted tomorrow night - I'll keep you posted!

Jan Steen's "Merry Couple"

Reasons to LOVE Bryan Fijakovich

Spiral Chaos is perhaps the best wrestling name ever. This was Bryan's name when he used to wrestle semi-pro.

BF loves eating lunch just as much as I do, and holds in high regard the art of a well-crafted sandwich.

BF hates doing school work just as much as I do, which leads to ...

BF spending as much (or perhaps more) time on YouTube than I do.

BF has a ferret.

BF gives great advice.

BF sends me text messages in French.

EVERY woman loves BF. Professors included.

BF studies Asian art. That is like Whoa cool.

BF manages to have copies of books he needs for his thesis sent to him, directly and for no charge, by the author personally.

BF just got a cool teaching job at a college in town, the name of which I cannot type in this blog, only sing in person. Ask me and I will sing it for you. He will be teaching the history of furniture. Enroll now.

BF is a ninja, and sides with the ninjas in ninjas vs. pirates.

BF also loves Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job.

BF is from Ohio, but as you can see, is not a boring d-bag.

BF has a big brain.

Okay, the big kicker: I just got a call from BF. Here is a sample of the beginning of our conversation-

Morgan: "Hey! What's up?"
Bryan: "Well, for the past 20 minutes I haven't thought about anything but us starting a metal satire band. You could like, sing and scream, we'd all talk in falsetto Brittish accents, and write songs about all kinds of stupid shit, like skulls."
Morgan: "Wow! yeah I'm in."
Bryan: "and our name could be Malevolent...from Hell. You could be the Queen of Kill, and I could introduce you as 'The most deadly piece in chess'. I really want to find a guitarist who can shred, so he can dress like and be known as Master Shredder."

This conversation kept on going, but your sake I'm not going to include it. I wouldn't want to ruin any surprises! Dates and venues will be posted soon!

crotchdog

Usual Stupidity

Amidst a whirlwind of academic wonderment, I caught myself doing and thinking of a few stupid things today (really not unlike any other day).

I smoked herb before going to work out. As I was lifting my measly 10 lbs. dumbbells in front of the mirror, I noticed that I had traded my solemn "training face" for a big white ear-to-ear grin. I saw myself cheesin' like crazy in the mirror while I was lifting weights. Several other guys around me had already made note of this - I'm pretty sure they knew something was up. Once I realized how goofy this was, I couldn't hold my laughter in; I had to go crack up in the bathroom.

You don't grin back at yourself in the gym mirror that everyone else also uses! Geez Morgane!

And another: I was trying to think about what to put on my blog earlier. "What if Armageddon came mid-blog post?" I thought. The draft of my posting would be auto-saved onto some harddrive that, like the LInear B tablets from Pylos or, Knossos, could be preserved for some super-human species to find thousands or even millions of years later. They will then have to decipher the English language based on what I've included on this page. I wish I could speak Future so I could also include a cipher. At any rate, from my blog the people of the future will be very aware of our curse words, and I'm sure they will misuse them frequently (as I did to ancient greek). I only wish I could be around to watch my blog save our culture!

Wikipedia Knows GLOW

I just laughed my ass off at the wiki entry for the glow girls. Please visit if you can. Here is an excerpt on Notable Gimmicks:

"Consistent with the professional wrestling entertainment angle, the GLOW performers had unique ring entrances or gimmicks to win (or lose) their respective matches. Some of them are the following:

Matilda the Hun - Appeared with large turkey or roasted leg as part of her ring entrance, originally the crowd chanted "raw meat" as she made her way down the aisle.
Royal Hawaiian - Appeared with pineapples in a cart, threatening to strike her opponent with it
Corporal Kelly - Wore two belts of bullets criss-crossed over her chest
Attaché - Usually brought a billy club with her to ringside, and frequently used it during matches
Dallas (and later Tulsa) - Brought in a lasso and rope, occasionally trussing up her opponent during the match
Dementia - Would bring an axe to the ring; would later attempt to use it against her opponent resulting in disqualification
The Widow - Would offer her opponent her favorite beverage before the match that was "spiked"; opponent would soon succumb to its effects during the match, providing her an easy pinfall victory that was followed by covered her opponent with a black lace shroud
Heavy Metal Sisters - Would carry in a chainsaw and small propane torch as part of their ring entrance. Would attempt to use them during the match (and get disqualified) and were often taken away from the match in straitjackets by Security
The Housewives - Would bring in mops; pails and other assorted household supplies; would use them on their opponents during the match and would be disqualified inevitably.
Palestina - Conducted a pre-match prayer on her knees in the center of the ring, analogous to Islamic prayers
Tammy Jones - Carried a small basket of candy and provided them to kids in the audience as part of her ring entrance
Susie Spirit and Debbie Debutante - Conducted a cheerleader routine
MTV - Sang a song about her opponent, usually not very complimentary, before beginning her matches. She almost always hit them with her guitar or a musical instrument. "

Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling

This is one of those things that you just wish you had never seen before. More shameful than 2 girls 1 cup, in an entirely different way. I am embarrassed for my gender. Emily found this one. I think I relate most to Spanish Red. Her dance moves are the best. Emily likes Aunt Kitty.

I am planning on watching some of the matches on you tube, and if there are any particularly awesome ones, I will post them. Cheers!

In Celebration of the Holy Day

April Twentieth in the year of our Lord Two-Thousand and Eight:
While I will probably not be fortunate enough to participate in such a rich cultural affair, I found this video made by a couple stoners that made me giggle.



I have more reading for class than I ever dreamed of doing, and I work from 5-10 tonight. There is a good band playing at the Mad Frog, but I will probably just come home, put on some fleece pajamas, drink a glass of wine, smoke a j and watch Robot Chicken and Aqua Teen. Right now, I am going to work out, read for class, shower then come home a bake a bangin' apple pie. Said apple pie will likely be consumed around 11:45 with vanilla bean ice cream. This is like my 420 birthday cake. Maximus will also be joining this celebration in all of his weasel glory.

Help! Shoe drama!

I suffered a major disappointment the other day. Joie and I went to the mall, and I had my heart set on these awesome orange pumps that I've wanted FOREVER. BCBGirls "Katchen 5" pumps in Tangerine. I covet them - I've only been dreaming for months of these shoes, and I've even planned outfits around them! BUT, nowhere in the Cincinnati area do they have my size: 9B. Take a peak at them - tell me if they are worth me being this upset.

I've been checking Ebay, and looked all over the web for my size but they just don't have it. Kinda depressing, eh? If you have any ideas, pass them along and I would be forever grateful!

Gay Pomeranian Hangover

Friday night was out of hand. The result: the worst hangover I've had since 2004. I woke up in a once white t-shirt that had spots of wine and beer dribbled up and down my front. After I puked a couple times at my friend's house, we decided that a greasy spoon breakfast might cure my horrid condition. Looking like a heroin addict, I manage to stagger into this diner. But, as soon as we walked in, I 1. drank water which triggered my acute puke reflex, and 2. looked so shitty and that this skinny gay waiter who may or may not have had AIDS *jokingly* offered me a line of coke to perk up. I ran into this same waiter en route to the sleaziest restroom I have been in for a very long time, where I was going to puke. He and I then shared a moment, as he thought I looked so shitty that I needed a special embrace. We hugged it out, and he explained that he was also horribly hung over, so he felt my pain. I was finally able to get some awesome runny egg yolk in my tummy and keep it down; it was the cat's pajamas! On our way out as we were paying, our gay waiter expounded up his dreadful hangover with an anecdote about his antagonizing boyfriend:

"This morning while I was in the shower, my boyfriend kept picking up my little pomeranian and lifting him up over the shower curtain, making him peek in on me. I was like, "I'm not in the mood,"'

We asked no questions, laughed and left. What a way to start the day!

Conversely, I just ended my day with a long hot bath, a leisure read, a cup of tea and a really awesome aromatherapy facial. Certainly, I am feeling much better than I was this morning!

Bad Chad

Here's the most recent dish on Chad Johnson's situation with the Bengals. What a fucktard, he has it made in Cincinnati. No matter where he ends up, he will not be worshipped like he is in this town. So fuckin' silly! Housh is my new favorite player!

Naked Oscar

Courtesy of ERoach.

"I'm gonna fuck me a girl from Kentucky"

Delightfully inappropriate and graphic with awesome shoutouts. My favorite: "Fucked all the girls in Danville, now it's Afroman-ville"

From Waiting to Inhale, released in February.

Poak Chops

Thanks, Ali! This made my day.

I searched for the artist, Tamechi, online with very little luck finding substantial information. If you find anything on her, let me know! I'm dying to own the whole album!

Right in time for this Sunday's Celebration!

I cannot believe that she seriously got busted with weed...hilarious!

Sexy Eve

I cannot go to sleep. Thoughts of the Sexy Party downtown tomorrow night are occupying my brain to full capacity. Like a child on Christmas Eve who tries to stay up for Santa, I cannot fall asleep due to my anticipation and sheer wonder regarding tomorrow night's adventures in store for us. This will be an absolutely wicked night - I know that I will be stupid enough to take Bourbon shots, I just see it coming. This will then lead to bad dancing. The bad dancing will likely result in random numbers in my phone book and apology calls delivered the morning after. Bad jokes, outside voice inside, Ky accent and shit-stirrin': these things will likely occur tomorrow evening. I will be in my element, and in rare form. Watch out. I am unstoppable. 2004 Morgan is coming back for one night only!

Sex Talk with Ali G

Since I searched for the Beckham interview, I was reminded a plethora of Ali G episodes on youtube of just how awesome the Ali G show was. This discussion of "Sex and Family" with uber conservatives on his panel gave me a good belly laugh, so do yourself a favor!

Also, watch Drug Education:

unquestionably sexy

I don't know who is hotter, Victoria or David Beckham. Regardless, they are entitled to a post during sexy week. They are also sending their oldest child to the premier Jewish school in LA. You can read the article here. Furthermore, you can watch this old, but still awesome, interview with the Beckhams hosted by Ali G.

Cougar in Training

When I get up the nerve to start acting slutty and fulfilling frivolous carnal needs, this is probably what I will be doing. Hopefully, it will be sexier than this, but I honestly doubt it.


Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher are somehow remotely funny in this clip - I wonder how that happened! I'm still waiting for him to be like, "You got punked!" any moment now, after I complimented his luck in this SNL skit.

Sexy Babies

This is my best friend and her wee comrade, dancing together 22 years,2 months ago. Very sexy!

In Honor of the Sexy Party

From here on out, this week's postings will only concern sexy people, sexy things, and sex itself. Why, you might wonder? Well, a sexy friend of mine is turning 23 this weekend, and I feel that it's only appropriate to begin the festivities early, even if it is on my blog. Hell, I'm kinda drunk right now (the vino gets me every time). So, I've included this sexy painting by Frans van Mieris, titled Inn Scene. In the background, there are two people getting it on in the doorway leading to the other room. On the floor in the middle ground, two dogs are humping. [which is awesome] In the foreground, the action is about to happen. This is what's going down Friday night. Even Waffles will be getting laid! [for more on Waffles, see my posting "Sexy Chihuahua"]

Okay, so there were other sexy parts of my day:

Always sexy: Darius, who works in the DAAP cafe. He hooks me up with free food and coffee and makes me smile anytime I see him. What an AMAZING personality! Alas, I found out today that he might be leaving us at DAAP! I am so heartbroken. Who is going to both provide me with discounted coffee AND laugh at my bad jokes? I will get our picture taken together and post it sometime this week.

Sexy, in theory, sort of: I agreed to model for the fashion design department. I'm flattered, and I love clothes, but I'm now having my doubts for the following reasons:

1. I was reminded of the bad taste in my mouth left from my short stint as a model when I was in high school. Some wicked bitch told me my ribs were too big and that I would need a facelift. That dumb cunt.

2. The dress I tried on was very sexy, except for the fitting at the bust. The boob cups, which the designer/seamstress admitted were "a little off-kilter" actually pointed my boobs in different directions. I then walked out in front of the little asian fashion design professor to show her the issue with the fit, and she proceeded to play with me boobies for several minutes as I stood in silence, stared at the white wall and tried to think about my sea eagle, which was shipped out today. My titties did not care for this experience.

Probably the sexiest part of my day was seeing my good buddy Bryan for the first time this semester. He is very funny, and I'm sad we don't have class together again this quarter. We ate lunch, caught up and it was just all-around sexy. It is appropriate here, as Bryan is also a Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job fan, to mention that the Tim and Eric first season comes out on DVD April 22.

Okay, so I'm going to smoke and watch Aqua Teen now. Gear up for a very, VERY sexy week.

The History, Imagery and Interpretation of 17th Century Dutch Genre Scenes in Only 24 Words

Papacy bad Luther good guilt sucks grace rulez reinforce reformation familiar images prodigal son drinking sluts songs dance puking regardless God father love acceptance.


Willem Buytewech, Merry Company, 1610ish, Rotterdam.

excited about my new TOY!

Okay, this picture doesn't look THAT cool (and no men come with my kayak), but watch this video about my newest toy! It's cheap, basic, but it will get me down all the rivers in the NKy/Southern Ohio area with a friend. (I have a fiberglass shell single passenger for anything over a class IV, but those do not exist in this area and it's old) I got the two-seater [tandem], so I could take a pal! The Licking River is about 50 yards from my condo, and I stare at it each day contemptuously. No longer shall I covet! Get your PFD's ready! Yee Haw!

The Bradford Pear Tree in Browning Acres

This past weekend was spent visiting my hysterical family in Southeastern Kentucky. These visits usually consist of eating awesome food, telling funny stories and doing country shit. For instance, I rode an ATV for four hours down a creek and almost into a lake, while my dearest father sat beside me drinking beer and smoking a cigar. Pretty cool, huh? Well, this weekend was particularly awesome, because after a few beers, my dad and I decided to fuck with the neighbors. This is the subject of this blog entry.

Before I say too much about how ridiculous we were, I need to give you a bit of information on my father. He is a large man, who in his younger years competed in body building competitions. Along with being huge, he also collects guns and enjoys outdoor sports (i.e. hunting, fishing, boating, hiking, ect.) One of his outdoor recreation activities is wildlife photography, where he assembles these digital cameras with motion sensors into tiny camoflauge boxes that he places strategically throughout the forest around our home. He takes immense pride in planting soybeans and clover in areas where he has cameras, to bring the animals within camera shooting range. This way, we can see all of the critters that live on our property!

Daddy knows every tree in our woods like the back of his hand, and monitors his cameras and clover patches VERY closely. So when someone decided to dump a truck load of tree branches onto his precious clover patch, he was pissed because he was the person who was going to have to spend an hour of his time and manpower cleaning it up. However, with some detective work and cutting sarcasm, we got the last laugh.

You see, my dad knew that the trimmings dumped on our property were bradford pear. They had bloomed, and daddy recognized that that bloom was unique. So, we went around the neighboorhood across from our farm at night, looking at all the bradford pears. We found that across the street, some jackass with the same tree had JUST had theirs trimmed! What a coincidence! Furthermore, their dumb ass dumped the brush off right in front of one of dad's wildlife cameras!

I am expecting dad to email the pics to me soon, so I can post them - they are hilarious; like russian spy pictures or something! At any rate, we wrote these neighbors a wonderfully passive-agressive letter that read something like this:

"Dear Neighbors,

Browning Acres is a delightful community..." blah blah blah, "...we would love for it to stay that way. However, our family was slightly disturbed by an unknown presence on our property just a few days ago. We want to make everyone in the community aware of this trespasser, who so disrespectfully dumped a truck load of brush..." and goes on to explain the story, and how tacky it is to dump shit on someone's land. The best part of the letter was, "We are so fortunate to have had our surveillance photograph the trespasser in the crude act. Their photograph is included in this envelope. If you have any information that could be utilized in their apprehension, please contact us..."

I wanted to REALLY embellish, and say that we had ninjas in the forest with cameras and swords, but my dad said that wasn't believable. At any rate, do you think those people will ever dump shit on anyone's land again? They might, just MAYBE, feel a little embarassed.

A Fresh Outlook

Since not long ago I ended a long, exhausting relationship, I feel especially wise right now. I feel right in choosing to end the relationship, and because it's been long enough to clear my mind and reflect on the situation, but not long enough to start seeing someone new, I feel like I am in a good place to assess what does it for me, and what doesn't. There's no reason I shouldn't make something positive come from a negative experience. Through this experience I have learned a ton about myself and grown tremendously. So much of learning is recalling and reinforcing what you already knew. I've always known that I love to engage, experience life, and try new things, but my last relationship didn't allow me to do any of those things, which is why it ultimately failed. I am now reminded of how much I love to see, go and do. Unfortunately, I do feel like I missed out on some things, and passed by some totally awesome people, but I am so aware of that now that I don't think I"ll ever see myself again in that position. To me, this is such a valuable realization.

Before, I had 2 requirements for a partner:

height (must be a tall guy)
standardized test scores

Am I a bitch, or what? What the fuck was I thinking? I know exactly what I was thinking actually, I had rationale for this. We were going to do the world a favor and advance the human race by only contributing tall, intelligent offspring to society. No wonder I landed myself in the situation I did - I was being a shallow bitch. I ended up dating someone with which I had very little in common. So I've reevaluated my "standards" (even though that's really not what they are).

Everyone has ideas of what they want. Nothing is concrete, they're just ideas. Don't judge me, either. I'm a single, and I'm not getting laid any time soon, so let me humor myself. Here are some things I think a guy could have/do/put up with that would be cool (girlfriends, I expect comments on this one):

love the outdoors-I love water sports, camping and hiking. I grew up on a farm and a lake.

intellectual - historians, classicists, writers, philosophers: the ability to not only entertain me with random facts, but to also impress my friends at galleries with obscure knowledge.

a traveller-more than half of my family lives in europe.

active and passionate in every way-involved, motivated, sexual, not necessarily athletic, but in control of their body, yup, active sums it up.

smokes weed-or at the very least tolerates my lifestyle choice.

Okay, so I think that will be my starting point. I'm sure I will think of more as I live and learn, but I'm so looking forward to taking a very casual approach to this situation, when the time is right. I would love to meet someone with shared interests, who just likes to get out and do things together - you would be surprised at how hard it's been to find someone who likes the hippie shit that I like. But things happen - or don't happen-for a reason.

Unlike some of my female peers, I'm not worried about my eggs getting old, or being alone for the rest of my life. If I've not found a fun guy who likes to read, raft and smoke pot by the time I'm 40, you bet your ass that there will be the most loved adopted Russian child in the world that I will treat as my own. We will have lots of pets, and I will be completely content! Pressure-free, commitment-free, freestyle, free ballin', just as long as it's stress-free, I will still love my life.

Review of Snoop Dogg's "Ego Trippin'"

Snoop Dogg's newest album has been out and in my possession since mid-March. Therefore I, a huge Snoop fan, owe it to you, my friends, to provide you with some sort of inclination of this album's quality.

It is given that no Snoop album will ever be equal to "Doggystyle". Nor will Snoop ever be as good of a rapper as he was when his middle name was Doggie. "Ego Trippin'" has some good raps, some of which seem like genuine D-O double G, and others that are ruined by whiney R & B voices, almost like descant parts, evident in 'SD is out', which also plays on the electronic euro-synth voice employed by Daft Punk, and the Beastie Boys. Unfortunately, this is a it overused on the CD, and it ends up taking away from his solid raps. One of the best raps on the CD is "Neva Have 2 Worry", when he actually raps about releasing "Doggystyle", switching record labels and making his career. This song is legitimately gangsta. My favorite lines: "A bitch is a bitch, and a ho is a ho." and "Let them headers cock and let them leaders talk, I'mma gonna be smokin down, livin like a boss." This song is followed by the first single released off the album, "Sexual Eruption" (Seduction in the censored version), which has an eighties beat that is repeated in several other songs on the album. "Life of the Party" is a good song, but like most of the songs on the album, it's not got enough Snoop rap. It's catchy as hell, and he would be stupid if he didn't release a single for it. (Think "Buttons" with the Pussycat Dolls, where his rap lasted all of 20 seconds) This is the overall issue with the entire album - his raps are solid, but not long enough, nor descriptive or narrative enough to educate privileged white youth about the things black people do.

One awesome song, dedicated to Johnny Cash, is "My Medicine". SO different from anything he's ever done before - it's almost Bluegrass rap! My favorite line of the album is in this song: "My love's gonna last just as long as my high, and I'm high all day, every day." Now that's my Snoop!

Walking is a Good Thing

There are few things in life I enjoy more in life than a beautiful day. Last saturday, it was so gorgeous outside that I decided to walk six miles to another small town. It was a great trip: I picked haunted flowers from an overgrown cemetery I found in the woods with tombstones from the early 19th century, I met several other cool walkers, and I found an awesome creek that I'm going to Kayak in the very near future. The trip reminded me of this one time during undergrad when I rode a razor scooter from Danville KY to Harrodsburg KY, about 15 miles round trip. I took country roads, and it was an amazing, bright, warm day. There still survives in my ever-escaping memory the experience of going down a steep-ass hill on a razor scooter at about 35 mph. I know that does not sound fast, but when you're riding that thing, you feel like you're in fuckin' razor NASCAR. I also remember thinking that I was going to die.

But, back to my awesome walk from one town to the next: Every mile and a half or so, someone would pull up beside me and ask if I needed a ride, or if I was "ok". I couldn't believe how frequently it occurred! On a beautiful day, in the age of obesity, should you really ask an able-bodied young person if they need a ride? Is there something wrong with walking? That's how they acted. You know our country is in a sad state when gas-guzzling vehicles are the norm, and legs are for losers. It makes me wanna slap a ho.

Get out and walk. Stretch your legs. Wear a smile. Happy days!

March Art Market Report

As many of you know, I'm studying to become an art appraiser. In this quest, I spend *A LOT* of time in databases, on auction websites, ect. Artnet is the most comprehensive, professional and best organized, in my opinion. So, I refer to it when I post this info on market trends.

This month, Maqbul Fida Husain sold Battle of Ganga and Jamuna at Christie's of New York for $1,609,000 USD. Last I heard, Husain was the highest paid Indian painter, with individual paintings going for 2 M on average. He got into some hot water a while back with his fellow Hindus for painting their goddesses in the buff. That didn't go over so well, but even despite his domestic controversies, he's still considered the Indian Picasso, and still sells the shit out of his work in America. Leave to the ol' US of A to pour money into foreign economies! At least this was sold in NYC, it could be worse!

Francis Bacon didn't move anything too terribly notable this month, unlike in February when his paintings accounted for several of the top ten hammer prices. He didn't have a single piece in the top ten in March!

The Housing Market

For some reason, I don't foresee the people who live in this complex as being affected by the sub-prime mortgage crisis. I could be wrong.

This reminds me of the "ultimate" tree house that was a regular part of my childhood fantasies. I still kinda wanna see this in person, and maybe spend a saturday night there with my sleeping bag and flashlight.

Meow, Muthafucka, Meow.

A well-done show about a suicidal cat named Maximus. Click here to watch the episodes.

Elektronic Weirdos

Elektronic music drives people to be even weirder than they already are. My theory: when people listen to techno, they start to, subconsciously, believe they are machines. One product of this belief: the "Robot". Dance moves become more rigid and calculated. Body language becomes impersonal (i.e. eye contact is absent). Here is another guy dancing badly and strangely to an elektronic beat. I believe that this supports my idea.

Fat Pets

courtesy of joie. Because few things in life are as satisfying as animal humor. Click here to see awesome pictures of fat animals.

Sensual Seduction

Try JibJab Sendables!

Gay Robot

Move your mouse over this gay robot and see what happens.

I am Baby Cakes, I am the world.

Watch my new favorite online cartoon here.  Click the big play button beside "Watch All Episodes". You'll want to start with "Diary #1" and watch them all the way through.  Great references to art and philosophy, in this cartoon about a 30 year old borderline tard who still lives at home with his dad, gets drunk and engages in role playing games about wizards, ect and then writes about it in his journal. He also raps, curses and uses his own unique vocabulary.  Pretty fuckin' sweet.  

Style Chuds

Click here to watch a very random and strange animation, courtesy of superdeluxe.com.  

Campaign Contributors

You can find out who in your area has been giving to which politicians, and even the amount, by going here.  It's a great way to be creepy!  Click on "donor search" and type in your zip code.  If you're from a small town, you'll get to figure out which political party you dentist, pastor, and all of your former teachers belong!  

Reliable HIV testing?

This is a picture of a consignment shop on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood.  While I always appreciate versatility, they have gone too far.  Would you really trust an HIV test administered at a thrift store?  Furthermore, it makes me wonder:  From where did those 'gently worn' ironic t-shirts and tattered hipster jeans come, and why are they no longer used by their former wearers?  I guess those are the people who didn't take the free HIV test!