Graffiti art production

If I can't get a real job (or maybe even if I can!) I will become an airbrush artist. Paint some badass t shirts....

It's hard to think of a cartoon that is more fun to watch high than this one:

My day(s)=
wake up: 6 AM
workout
write
shower
work by 9:30 AM
(tonight) get off at 5:30 PM
eat for the first time
go to library 6PM
write thesis until 3:30 AM
go to sleep and do it again the next day.

I can't wait to finish. I need cartoons like this in my life!

Moderation: the quest for the impossible, and the Beaver Story

For whatever reason I am incapable of practicing temperance. Either I abstain entirely from weed and booze, or whole-heartedly celebrate its existence. That is, I spend an entire week of working nonstop 14 hour days, then destroy myself on the weekend.

I didn't blog about last weekend, but here is the abbreviated version: I got shit-canned by 7PM, ended up being serenaded by a homeless man in OTR as I sat by myself waiting for a cab that never came. Charlie saved me, took me to a hipster bar where I reunited with my friends and ended up safe at home. The next day, Mikey and I went kayaking, or high-aking actually, and almost died twice. Seriously, I had to take a moment to sit on the river bank and recollect every special moment I've shared with family and friends. That's how serious our accident was...

So you would think that after these experiences, I would reflect on my poor decision-making skills and come to the conclusion that I need to modify my behaviors. That's what a sensible person would do. However, the only conclusion I have reached is that I am not a sensible person.

Last night was a recipe for disaster from the beginning, but still yet I enthusiastically participated. Why? My buddy Mosher is just that cool of a guy. If he wants to do tequila shots, it must be a good idea! We drank beer by the pitcher, each having our own pitchers. All this was BEFORE we got to the bar with $5 all-you-can-drink PBR, all night long. I was schwasted.

At the bar, I talked to a lot of people. Said some dumb shit and told some bad jokes, as usual. I met a guy, kinda cute but had a little extra meat on his bones, who I talked to for a while. I don't remember what his name was, what attracted me to him, or what the fuck I was even thinking, but somehow I decided to leave the bar with him. I vaguely remember him saying something like, "I have a big diesel truck," and me thinking that we were going to go four-wheeling or something in Clifton. I'm an idiot.

My memory crapped out on me (thank you, tequila) and its pretty hard to piece together the events that followed, but I remember walking across Clifton to his house and making out in his back yard (he didn't have his keys). For whatever reason, we decided to roll around on the ground. I think making out on the grass was supposed to be sexy, but at the time I didn't realize that it was Clifton grass, i.e. patches of vegetation covered in a mixture of cigarette butts, blunt roaches, probably some shards of broken glass, etc. Anyhow, while we were making out, he asked if he could go down on me. My answer: MOST CERTAINLY!

So yeah, I was laying on the skankiest ground in the world getting face. From what I remember, I enjoyed it thoroughly. That is, UNTIL he got shitty with me. In the middle of his muff-dive, he stopped, looked up at me and said, "You know if we do this again you should shave it all off."

This changed everything. I sobered up a bit, and suddenly became a very pissed-off drunk. I made him stop, and as I quickly redressed myself I told him off:

"OKay first off, I don't even know your name. I met you at a bar, I'm not going to give you my number and this certainly won't happen again. Second, I keep my shit in check... but there is no way in hell that I would shave it off for YOU," and I walked out of his yard into the street, pointing at him and yelling, "DON'T ACT LIKE I HAVE SOME CRAZY FUCKIN' BEAVER!!!!"

Legitimately offended, I stormed down the street, sort of huffing but my lip was also quivering. I think I was drunk and felt hurt, but mostly I just felt like a skank. My clothes were covered in dirt and grass stains. Of course, I had no where to go and I didn't know what direction I was walking in.

Fortunately, I passed this house where a group of five men were sitting on the porch drinking beers and listening to music. I really didn't have anything better to do, so I walked up to the porch and posed a question to these men:

"Gentlemen, let me ask you this: Raise your hand if you have ever gotten wasted and made a fuckin' retarded decision?"

Literally, all five of them raised their hands at the same time, chuckled and lifted their beers to their lips to take a sip. I made some bad jokes about having a shitty night. Whether they thought I was actually cool, drunk enough to fuck, or just felt sorry for me, they invited me to kick it with them on their porch and drink beer. I was in! We proceeded to have a group conversation, steered by my drunken charm, where we discussed the myriad of ignorant shit that we had done. I even told them my story, bringing it up by saying, "Can you guess what was the worst part of my night? Yeah some guy offered to give me face and didn't finish...that sucked ass. That's like getting head and being blue-balled." Attentively listening, they nodded and agreed.

Somewhere in our conversation, I mentioned that I used to compete in beauty pageants. They even got me (it wasn't hard) to show them my walk and showcase some of my old modeling skills. Thus, for the rest of the night they called me "Miss Kentucky."

These guys were in their early thirties, so they had been out of the college drinking game for a while. It seemed to me like it was a good idea to challenge them to shotgun some beers. I could tell they really wanted to do it, but hadn't thought of shotgunning beers in a while because they were looking at each other for approval. Finally, one of them said, "If Miss Kentucky wants to shotgun beers, then by god we need to shotgun some beers!" This was the beginning of the end for these guys, because we ended up shotgunning SEVERAL beers thereafter, and I initiated a vigorous game of flip cup. Basically, I talked these dudes into getting wasted; the most fucked up they'd been in a long time. One of them even put his arm around me and said (slurring his words), "I never thought that some beautiful girl would show up on our porch and chug beers with us. If my wife leaves me tomorrow it's all your fault," Mission accomplished.

So this lasted from about 1 AM, when I showed up, until around 5 AM when these guys were barely holding on. It was then that I decided to initiate a naked dance party, after one of these guys played a Crystal Method song. When I mentioned it, one of the guys said, "That seems kinda homo," and his friend quickly responded by saying, "OH it's not homo, she's gonna get naked too; (to me) You'd have to get naked with us, right?" My reply: "Hellz yeah!" and I started to take off my shirt and dance around like an idiot. For about ten minutes, I was naked, dancing with 5 naked grown men in the backyard of a house in Clifton. It was short-lived, as one of them passed out naked in the kitchen, but for a few moments, very awesome.

I think it was good for them, because it made them realize how drunk they were, and that 5:30 AM was probably a good time to hit the hay. While they offered me a sofa inside to sleep on, I, for whatever reason, opted to sleep on the old nasty couch they had on their porch. I used my purse for a pillow and someone's sweatshirt for a blanket. Just like on a camping trip, I woke up with the sunrise so I literally got less than 2 hours of sleep.

I ate lunch with Mikey, who also got drunk very drunk last night. He ended up paying $70 at the Brass Ass to finger-fuck a stripper. He is a classy guy, what can I say. We smoked, shared the stories of our debauchery, loathed our behaviors. During this, I received a text message from one of my 5 new naked dance party buddies:

Hey Miss Kentucky
This morning was a rough one, but worth it. We hadnt had that kind of fun in a LONG time! Sorry you slept outside. Next time come sooner and sleep indoors. Take care of yourself, and stay away from any guys who talk about shaving beavers. LOL cya

All I could do was just shake my head. I haven't responded yet, but I will. I didn't even remember giving any of them my number! But, I'm glad I could make their night. Hopefully, I didn't initiate any mid-life crises or divorces.

I spent my "thesis day" smoking pot and thinking of ways to repair my dignity. Please forward any ideas or suggestions.

fascinating...

Computers can show us things our eyes will never be able to see: Virtual Restorations of masterpieces:

Czartoryski_DV_en
Uploaded by LUMIERE-TECHNOLOGY

Top 5 Vampires

So, today Juan posted a list of 5 people he would want on his side in a bar fight.

Antonio Banderas, The Clone Army, ME, The Barbarian Horde and Nick Pulos

Do you know what they call that? Yeah, those people!?

THE MOTHER FUCKING DREAM TEAM.

Hilarious! So I was bullshitting around smokin' and playing on facebook, and we had a very strange conversation which started out with the top 5 list and ended up with fat women and supernatural creatures (posted below). I think he might be a little scared of me now that he thinks I'm a VAMPIRE!!!! Read this crapola:

Juan
hahahahah. yeah, I've seen it before
hey, did you notice you made it to my top 5 list of today?
12:21amMorgane
what? you have top 5's?
12:22amJuan
Hahah, go to my profile and scroll down
12:22amMorgane
i don't see it
in what section?
12:24amJuan
Should be right under my On a Boat quiz results on my wall
12:25amMorgane
ha! hilarious! how did I not see that?! I saw you boat status
hahahahahahahahaha WHAT A SELECTION!
i'm laughing my ass off right now thinking of this scenerio
plus i'm high
12:26amJuan
hehhehehe. i needed a token female and I asked myself, if i am at a bar and get in toruble who of my female friends is most likely to be with me?
12:27amMorgane
oh, i'm just the token now, huh?
objectification if i've ever heard it
hahahahah
12:28amJuan
well, what can I say? tant pis
12:28amMorgane
psh
i'm eating a steak
hahahah
what are you doing?
12:29amJuan
Not eating a motherfucking steak, that's what I am doing
I'm trying to finish a paper for my frnech class so that i can go to bed and yield to erotic dreams
12:30amMorgane
aw that sucks you have to go to bed for that, I live an erotic dream
12:30amJuan
LOL
12:30amMorgane
it's called working 12 hour days and living alone with a weasel
smokin dope
12:31amJuan
Errrr....yeah, if that does it for you, then great.
Mine have a slightly different scenario.
12:32amMorgane
yeah it doesnt. i was for sure being saracastic
12:32amJuan
Ah, sarcasm
12:32amMorgane
i never have dreams anymore
what the fuck would freud say to that?
12:33amJuan
Morgan, you sound like a classics student!
12:33amMorgane
lol
i was, breifly
ooops
12:33amJuan
and you've been permanetly damaged
12:33amMorgane
for life. forever flawed and tainted
my reputation ruined
12:34amJuan
How did you do this to yourself?
12:34amMorgane
art habit
i guess
12:34amJuan
lol
12:35amMorgane
how did YOU do that to yourself??!!
12:36amJuan
hey, I haven't done anything. i still have dreams!
12:36amMorgane
what is the french paper about
12:36amJuan
That is an excellent question!
12:36amMorgane
hhahahah oh. that destroys my thesis
ha!
you are funny
12:36amJuan
i try
12:36amMorgane
sounds like me!
12:37amJuan
we were given a passage by rousseau and we have to come up with a 2 page reaction...
problem is, the passage is just a page long description of a woman
and not even a juicy one
12:38amMorgane
i read rousseau
fruit should be juicy. women should not
something is wrong with that picture
are you a vampire?
12:39amJuan
no, but I'd love to
12:40amMorgane
well i will bite you so you can live with me for eternity....
12:41amJuan
Wait, so you are a vampire?
12:41amMorgane
some say that is so.
12:42amJuan is offline.
12:43amMorgane
Juan is no longer online. The following was not sent:
fata morgana was my name...back in 972 BCE (send as a message)

Prison Economy Feels the Effects of the Recession

Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs

Alien, Predator, and Lloyd Christmas

Bad. Ass.

Porn is deceiving: Sex enjoyable?

Study: Children Exposed To Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable

I LOVE the Onion!

Don't spoil the party!

As if watching ferrets save a human life isn't funny enough...

Just throw in the Beastmaster!

Max never squeaks like that... what's that BS all about?

Veronese's midgets and buffoons in "Feast in the House of Levi"

This is a fun painting! Why, you ask? Because it has midgets, and midgets are, by their very nature, hilarious. It was originally meant to depict the scene of the last supper, like Leonardo Da Vinci's painting made famous by Dan Brown (who people somehow read as nonfiction...don't ask me!) However, Veronese was called before the Holy Tribunal of the Inquisition for painting irreverently. Apparently, the Catholic church didn't much care for his inclusion of dogs, drunks and rabble-rousing midgets.
So, he ended up not being persecuted by the Church, but being forced to rename his painting "Feast in the House of Levi," as "The Last Supper" was inappropriate.

HERE is a great blog entry detailing the conversation between the Church and Veronese.

and below is the Monty Python spoof on the artist's run-in with the ecclesiastical authorities:

Sometimes, little things just make your day!

Leaving at 6:30 AM and not getting home until 10PM is getting old. It's not work, just school. Damn thesis always hanging over my head. However, I got a random facebook message that pretty much made my day:

Subject: You're Absolutely Gorgeous

so, I was hanging out with some sigs the other day.
and your name came up.

I want you to know that your still a legend around here. I hope all is well at grad school and that you still love Kappa.

cheers

-bh

Unexpected! Takes me back to my old self, and makes me think of a time when I had even less responsibility than I have now! (Not like I have much now, but any is more than none!) College was the shit.

and the SIG HOUSE! the STIGMATA! jesus christ. maybe I'll post that story since it's holy week. we shall see...

some interesting finds on craigslist

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

like a BOSS

Manifestoon!

Boo Communism. Yay animation!

I'm so tired of art history professors and their imposing socialist views...

"You look familiar!"

Tocaya II and I met up last night to go out and raise hell. We were successful! I smoked chronic; literally, the most beautiful weed I've ever seen. The buds looked like some exotic blossoms, like fuckin' gorgeous orchids or something! It was crazy, and most certainly, the stuff of legends!!! After polishing off a fifth of vodka, we went out to the bars, where we tried to play darts. Waiting for our turn, I was belligerent enough to gather quite an audience. These people listened to my verbal diarrhea for far too long, and I truly hope I never see them again. I made an ass out of myself from the get go, when I introduced myself:

"I have the tits of Jenna Jamison,
The mind of a scientist,
I can move like a cheetah
and all night long I've been drinkin danger juice."

Then proceeded to talk about 90's rap for about half an hour, showcasing my rap skills My vocabulary consisted of words and phrases such as, "that's real talk," "trickazz butstah," and "bitch please."

After establishing my street cred, I proceeded to quote Kenny Powers, and poorly reenact nearly every scene from the movie Dumb and Dumber: "ASSSSSPEN; Where the beer flows like wine!" This went on for a while. I ate it all up, and was drunk enough to feel very clever, funny and sexy. The guys seemed pretty entertained (but guys don't really try to seem disenchanted by a female at the end of the night in a bar, if they are smart), but finally I said to one of them who had caught my eye (I recognized him from somewhere).

"Where do I know you from? You look familiar!"

"I play baseball at the University."

Wow. I'm an ass.

I woke up this morning with a horrible fucking head-in-a-vice hangover. The older you get, the longer it takes to recuperate from doing shots all night. At 5 PM the day after, I'm just now feeling competent to drive my car and talk to my parents on the phone. Nothing will make your hangover sting like having to talk to mother. She always manages to call the morning after a shitshow when I'm still drunk and lack the cognition required to sign my name on a debit card transaction receipt. It's salt in the wound...

As if I wasn't sad enough about losing my iPhone!

From the San Francisco Times, April 1:

"I’ll Have What She’s Having
Jimmyjane’s miVibe Application for iPhone

For you, being technologically sophisticated means knowing how to double-click your mouse. (Sadly, not every user has magic fingers.)
Upgrade your hardware (and lend yourself a hand) with miVibe.
Jimmyjane — the self-pleasure masters known for premium gadgets — just launched its first iPhone application. Download the tickle-your-fancy program and your cellie becomes an instant vibrator (gasp!) with adjustable settings.
You’ll never have to fake it again: With three speeds (soft and subtle, gradual buildup, and fast and furious) and ten preset modes, the nifty (and naughty) app will give your lover a run for his money.
And leave it to the kings of kink to design a 24-karat gold phone sleeve that’s ribbed for extra oomph.
Now you’ve got the Midas touch.

Available online at jimmyjane.com."

They think of everything!!! I WANT ONE!

Thanks for this article, Ali :-)