Watch King of the Hill - 318 - Love Hurts and So Does Art Online Here!
A fabulous spoof on both modern art exhibits and toe gout.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
More green than St. Patty's Day
Being single is pretty fuckin' cool. Instead of having one boyfriend, I get to have several (sort of)! Granted, I'm not getting laid because they're all friends and half of them have girlfriends, I do get help doing stuff like painting my condo and I have a selection of accomplices for silly adventures. I feel very thankful for this !!! Also, I don't think they mind hanging out with a tall blonde who drinks beer and smokes pot, either. (But I could be very, very wrong)
One such instance was friday night. My buddy Mikey and I decided to make it a green friday. How might one accomplish such a feat? You begin by sporting your best bright green Incredible Hulk t-shirt (part of an underoos set purchased many moons ago), which I coordinated with black cigarette pants and peep-toe stilettos. Then, you smoke beaucoup de weed. Finally, you go see the new Hulk movie with Edward Norton and Liv Tyler. Top off the night by smoking more bud and killing a bottle of wine. It's a damn good time, I promise!
I was too distracted by my cherry slushie during the previews to pay too much attention, but I can tell you at least 2 things: 1. I want to see the new Will Smith movie, and the new Hellboy. 2. There was some preview of a movie with crazy wizards and shit, and it sorta fucked with me. I had to take a moment to myself.
Okay, so random thoughts about Hulk: (Caution: this may ruin your experience, or at least reveal some elements of the movie)
Mikey and I both agreed that there were too many puppy-love moments between Betty (Liv Tyler) and Bruce (Edward Norton). We counted more than 4 moments of intense eye contact and emotional reflection that lasted too long. I think it was necessary to re-establish his character as emotionally conflicted and emphasize his humility, but the duration of these moments was a bit extreme for my taste. All in all, I would have preferred more smashing and less lovey-dovey crap. This was my biggest beef with the film.
However, there was an AWESOME monster battle at the end that merited some serious fist-pumping. Key moments included:
1. Hulk takes one fist and slams it down on a cop car, shaking the whole city. The car is split in halves, and Hulk puts each half of the car on his fists like boxing gloves. He proceeds to box the shit out of his mucho monster opponent. It is super bad ass !!! Watch the clip of the fight between Hulk and Abomination:
2. Hulks hands are so huge, and his love for Betty is so great that when he sees her in harm's way, he claps his big-ass hands and projects super-sonic ass-kicking sound waves that fuck shit up. Yeah son.
3. The official line, delivered right before ultimate devastation, was included only once during the entire movie and timed perfectly. After I heard "HULK SMASH" in this film, I wanted to turn around and start high-fivin' people sitting around me. In actuality I didn't, but I sure as hell wanted to...
Liv and Ed did well for the parts they were playing. If you go into this movie expecting an intricate plot chock full of layered characters and room for interpretation, you will be disappointed. It is what it is. I left the theatre with the idea that it would be fun to buy a six pack of beer bottles and go smash them on stop signs, high school style. Mikey told me that we were too old for that, and ended up convincing me that I should be a little more mature. *sigh*. True story. I also kind of wanted to kick something (anything) just to feel cool and destructive, even if my stupid girl foot did no damage whatsoever. Yeah son. In other words, I had fun and watching Hulk on the big screen was not a waste of time.
Basically, Marvel's next big endeavor will be the Avengers movie, in which I personally believe Hulk will end up being the bad guy. They will have to cast Edward Norton for this role, as well. He has the talent to play the emotionally twisted, bipolar, confused big green guy.
One such instance was friday night. My buddy Mikey and I decided to make it a green friday. How might one accomplish such a feat? You begin by sporting your best bright green Incredible Hulk t-shirt (part of an underoos set purchased many moons ago), which I coordinated with black cigarette pants and peep-toe stilettos. Then, you smoke beaucoup de weed. Finally, you go see the new Hulk movie with Edward Norton and Liv Tyler. Top off the night by smoking more bud and killing a bottle of wine. It's a damn good time, I promise!
I was too distracted by my cherry slushie during the previews to pay too much attention, but I can tell you at least 2 things: 1. I want to see the new Will Smith movie, and the new Hellboy. 2. There was some preview of a movie with crazy wizards and shit, and it sorta fucked with me. I had to take a moment to myself.
Okay, so random thoughts about Hulk: (Caution: this may ruin your experience, or at least reveal some elements of the movie)
Mikey and I both agreed that there were too many puppy-love moments between Betty (Liv Tyler) and Bruce (Edward Norton). We counted more than 4 moments of intense eye contact and emotional reflection that lasted too long. I think it was necessary to re-establish his character as emotionally conflicted and emphasize his humility, but the duration of these moments was a bit extreme for my taste. All in all, I would have preferred more smashing and less lovey-dovey crap. This was my biggest beef with the film.
However, there was an AWESOME monster battle at the end that merited some serious fist-pumping. Key moments included:
1. Hulk takes one fist and slams it down on a cop car, shaking the whole city. The car is split in halves, and Hulk puts each half of the car on his fists like boxing gloves. He proceeds to box the shit out of his mucho monster opponent. It is super bad ass !!! Watch the clip of the fight between Hulk and Abomination:
2. Hulks hands are so huge, and his love for Betty is so great that when he sees her in harm's way, he claps his big-ass hands and projects super-sonic ass-kicking sound waves that fuck shit up. Yeah son.
3. The official line, delivered right before ultimate devastation, was included only once during the entire movie and timed perfectly. After I heard "HULK SMASH" in this film, I wanted to turn around and start high-fivin' people sitting around me. In actuality I didn't, but I sure as hell wanted to...
Liv and Ed did well for the parts they were playing. If you go into this movie expecting an intricate plot chock full of layered characters and room for interpretation, you will be disappointed. It is what it is. I left the theatre with the idea that it would be fun to buy a six pack of beer bottles and go smash them on stop signs, high school style. Mikey told me that we were too old for that, and ended up convincing me that I should be a little more mature. *sigh*. True story. I also kind of wanted to kick something (anything) just to feel cool and destructive, even if my stupid girl foot did no damage whatsoever. Yeah son. In other words, I had fun and watching Hulk on the big screen was not a waste of time.
Basically, Marvel's next big endeavor will be the Avengers movie, in which I personally believe Hulk will end up being the bad guy. They will have to cast Edward Norton for this role, as well. He has the talent to play the emotionally twisted, bipolar, confused big green guy.
recent commentary
a couple comments from two of my loyal readers who posted on my facebook wall:
Your blog is spreading around California faster than all the wildfires. People are passing the link along! The new favorite is the "Stroker Ace" entry. This girl I know said she had to leave her desk because she was laughing so hard.
...and another...
I've been reading your blog, and I'm convinced you should give up this grad-school bullshit in favor of a writing career. You could call your first book "The Misadventures of Bourbon."
Also, you're right, the Kooks are amazing.
Your blog is spreading around California faster than all the wildfires. People are passing the link along! The new favorite is the "Stroker Ace" entry. This girl I know said she had to leave her desk because she was laughing so hard.
...and another...
I've been reading your blog, and I'm convinced you should give up this grad-school bullshit in favor of a writing career. You could call your first book "The Misadventures of Bourbon."
Also, you're right, the Kooks are amazing.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Recent Chomsky interview: Presidential election
I myself am guilty of over-citing ol' Noam in some of my papers. He is sort of a genius. I just finished reading the dialogue of the Chomsky-Foucault debate from the 70's. More on Chomsky later...going to see Edward Norton in the Hulk tonight and I'm SUPER hype!!!!!
*funny note: I don't have cable right now (thanks to fuckin' Stan), so when I heard about this interview that took place last week, I put in on my "To Google" list. Can you guess where I first found it? Aljazeera! ha!
Leonard Nimoy's "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"
This is officially the lowest point in Leonard Nimoy's career!
William Shatner does the Beatles
DEAR GOD : please just type "William Shatner" in the youtube.com search bar - we're talking hours of entertainment!
My favorite part of this one is when Godzilla pops up in the back and starts spitting psychedelic flowers...
William Shatner's rendition of "Rocketman"
from the 1978 Sci-Fi awards show: Please smoke a bowl before you watch this!!!!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
A new recipe for disaster: another destructive night out in the Queen City
Ingredients:
6 Long Island Ice Teas at Christie's in Clifton while watching the Eurocup Semifinals and playing bags and bocce all afternoon
1 margarita at Don Pablo's on the river
1 bourbon and ginger at Chez Nora
4 beers at Jefferson Hall while listening to a mediocre cover band
countless number of double bourbon shots and beers at Lodge Bar downtown.
3 bacon double cheeseburgers from White Castle
1 filipino accomplice
dozens of douchebags and K-fed look-a-likes ....EVERYWHERE
1 notepad and pen
Here's how one might combine these ingredients for optimum stupidity:
While watching a smashing football match, that ended in a German victory (of course), I spent the afternoon with my friend Bryan chillin' out in the biergarten. It was pretty fun, too! I beat him at Bocce, but he KILLED me at cornhole. I totally suck at that game. This went on from about 2-6. When I left to go back across the river to meet some girlfriends at Don Pablos, I remember having a solo dance party in my car, which means that I probably shouldn't have been driving. However, my friend drove for the rest of the night, and we ended up cabbin' it back to KY so we were safe. We meet up with Junior (who is a total cutie) at Mainstrauss and go to one of my favorite places, Chez Nora. Even with a male present, the 55+ men have no shame and will douse you in unwanted attention and interrogate you for personal information that they could eventually use to develop a strategy to get the strange that they came out looking for anyway.
Junior had some law school buddies who were going to the party in the park after-party at Jefferson Hall. I was a little apprehensive about going to J-Hall, since last time Lou-Lou and I ended up there bourbon drunk, we received EMAILS from strange men who felt the need to attach pictures of themselves. (Neither one of us could remember what the hell dude looked like) I won't elaborate too much on this story here, but I will just say that it is quite confusing to find photos of strange men with long black hair in your inbox. You start to take a step back and re-evaluate your lifestyle after such instances. That was my most recent J-Hall experience before last night.
It was at Jefferson Hall that I realized the power of the notepad. Since I've been scolded on several occasions for not including certain stories, quotes, ect. on my blog, I've been making a conscious effort to jot down things I need to blog about (as well as things I need to buy, return, do, ect.) on a wee notepad that I keep in my purse. Anytime something happened, or I thought of something funny, I wrote it down. If you could have seen this notepad this morning after last night's debauchery, you would cry from laughter. However, the power of the notepad exists on many levels. Not only is it a useful tool that compensates for my flakiness, it also gives other people the impression that you are very important. As soon as people see you whip out a notepad and start writing, they wonder what they hell you are jotting down, if it's about them, what it's for, and where it will be published. It's the most empowering item that I carry in my purse!
I "interviewed" a drunk guy with my pad and pen in hand. It went like this:
me: If you could describe tonight in one word, what would it be?
(Minnie Interrupts: ...and cunnalingus is taken!)
drunk guy: As I'm lookin' at you, I've gotta say "sexy".
quality, quality people.
So at J-Hall I decided to use my notepad to fuck with the cover band (Kissing Pat). I really did want to post about them on here, as they did a Muse cover (Muse is another one of my all-time fav bands). They played "Hysteria" from the 2004 Muse album Absolution. A fucking great album! Standing right up in front of the band, I locked eyes with every musician except for the drummer, and every 30 seconds or so I would write something down on my note pad. It made them nervous, and it was quite obvious - especially the singer, who kept looking over at me. I was trying to look very serious. Whether they thought I was writing a review for citybeat, or just some eccentric drunk is neither here nor there- because I had fun acting! The notepad successfully transformed a giggly drunk chick into a pretentious, critical journalist. My advice to friends: from now on, you should make it a point to carry a notepad with you at all times. You will remember so much more about your life and trust me, it WILL elevate your status.
As for my pretentious critique: I give their Muse cover 4 out of 5. My newest crush, the guy on keys (Pat), is not only a very handsome fellow, but also a classically trained pianist. They could have done so much on the keyboard - but I guess they didn't have a synth? I don't know why they didn't explore that, but the lines that I would have played on keys they had their bassist playing. It was not my preference, but I give them props because that's technically VERY difficult. It was definitely bass-man's moment to shine.
It was really helpful through the entire performance that a booty dancing fatman was right in front of the band doing body rolls that should have been outlawed a long time ago. We referred to him as the Dumpling, because he was such a frump-ass shakin' all of himself all over the damn dance floor. This was possibly the most distracting thing I have ever seen in my life. Probably even more distracting than road head, but I'm only guessing because I don't have a penis.
We left J-Hall around midnight, dropped Junior off at his place and ventured back across the majestic Ohio river to one of Cincinnati's finest establishments: Lodge Bar. A few weeks ago, I promised myself that I would never go back to this place because of all the douchebags that frequent this bar. (I wish I could now enter a footnote here: One exception to the douchebag populus is a guy I met at lodge bar who deserves a mention...we will call him Charlie because I think he would make a very good Charlie. He is quite intelligent with very cute hair, and is also responsible for making me aware of the mysterious BlackFinn drunk to which I often refer and even posted about a while back. In fact, my friend and I even vowed to each other that we would be in bed before "LODGE" was the only word we had the capacity to utter.)
So let's discuss the Lodge Bar crowd-
Ladies First: All the girls will have wrinkles and cancer by the time they are 35, because they are too tan. They also commit horrendous fashion crimes, such as spider lashes, shortie mc short shorts paired with spaghetti strap tanks (i.e. too much skin), lower back tatoos, bad dye jobs, fake coach purses straight from the street corner, and more ill-fitting tops and dresses than you've ever seen in your life. What do they all have in common? They all think they are sexy as hell. So, they dance on the stage, on the bars, ect and have really dramatic bathroom conversations about the guys they are hooking up with. I don't think I'm cool enough to understand this culture and lifestyle. These girls are extremely attracted to the gentlemen who also enjoy the lodge bar.
Men at the Lodge Bar: No taller than 6' even. Ever. If they aren't wearing a shirt with horizontal stripes, they look like Kevin Federline repros. A whole flock of them. They stand in groups and objectify women with their, literal and figurative, male gaze. Every once in a while one of them gets enough *liquid* courage to approach a girl verbally with a horrible line such as, "Hey girl I wanna getta know ya," At this point, he can determine whether or not he will be getting laid by the female's response. The super-tan fashion disasters will smile and submit to a good 2 hours of getting the bad touch on the dance floor. (For those of you who are unaware, the badtouch is defined as the nudge felt by a female, usually on the rump during some sexually charged dancing, caused by a drunk horny guy's bangin' boner. Add that one to your vocabulary.) Chicks like my friend and I take a different approach. I respond to a dbag advance in one of two ways: I either resort to being an ice queen and completely reject the advance, OR if I have the energy I employ a type of Socratic method to patronize the ignorance of drunk men. I make them look like retards, and they don't exactly catch it so they feel flattered and I amuse my friends. It's really a win-win situation.
One example: (this guy was a retard, high on his horse. I was the most sarcastic person in the world, and he of course didn't get it because his ego was in the way of his comprehension. So I made him feel good while laughing on the inside.)
guy: Hey you, what's your name?
me: what's yours?
guy: Brad (or whatever the fuck he said his name is, don't really remember)
me: What are you all about, Brad?
guy: Do you ever watch any football?
me: Sure do.
guy: Because I play for *such and such* University, and if you watch them play you'd know that I was the quarterback.
me: Oh wow. I didn't know that. You must be quite the athlete. What kind of skill does that take?
guy: I have a good arm, and I have great hands...(poor attempt to set-up a suggestive comment, that I diverted by interrupting with...)
me: ...so you get a degree out of this, am I right?
guy: oh yes. three of them.
me: three of them! my, you must be *SO* talented. What are you studying?
guy: I am working on my doctorate in criminal justice.
me: *wow.* you are practically a doctor. that is so impressive. how did you even manage to do everything that you've done and be so successful?
guy: I've always been an over-achiever.
me: Well yes of course, that's obvious in the way you carry such an interesting conversation. It comes across right away.
(the best part: this guy obviously didn't know where I worked!)
On the other hand, there are also always a random selection of just fuckin' weirdos who are nothing like the douchebags. Last night we encountered 1. stupid men over 40 and 2. west africans. I've gotten into a pretty bad habit of, upon seeing a black guy who dresses like a white dude, just going ahead and speaking french to him. Funny enough, it works every time! I've found there to be a prevalent population of West African immigrants in the Cincinnati. My favorite cab driver who has done everything in his power to keep this drunk kentuckian off the streets of Clifton at 3AM speaks french with me, and I think that's why we get along like we do. What's really funny is that I'm so used to only speaking in french with africans, that when Charlie the whitey asked me if I spoke french at the gym the other day, I hesitated - I was taken back that a white guy in Cincinnati could speak french! It really threw me for a loop!
The african guy, Moe, made me feel guilty for practicing drunk french on him, so I did tell him that I would write down his number. In my notepad, I have written below his name and number: "WORST MISTAKE OF MY FUCKIN LIFE: LODGE BAR ON COLLEGE NIGHT." Yes, it was college night. I felt a little out of place, not having a fake ID and all. However, this didn't stop the 40+ Michiganders. These guys from Detroit were annoying as hell. So annoying that I left my friend to chat with them herself while I found some people that I knew from UC. My friend has way more game than I do anyhow, so she's more apt at entertaining these types. In fact, she had caused one of the guys to speak these wonderfully quotable lines with unbelievable fervor:
"All those curves....all those dance moves....you're DRIVIN' me CRAZAY!"
Dear god. What a night.
6 Long Island Ice Teas at Christie's in Clifton while watching the Eurocup Semifinals and playing bags and bocce all afternoon
1 margarita at Don Pablo's on the river
1 bourbon and ginger at Chez Nora
4 beers at Jefferson Hall while listening to a mediocre cover band
countless number of double bourbon shots and beers at Lodge Bar downtown.
3 bacon double cheeseburgers from White Castle
1 filipino accomplice
dozens of douchebags and K-fed look-a-likes ....EVERYWHERE
1 notepad and pen
Here's how one might combine these ingredients for optimum stupidity:
While watching a smashing football match, that ended in a German victory (of course), I spent the afternoon with my friend Bryan chillin' out in the biergarten. It was pretty fun, too! I beat him at Bocce, but he KILLED me at cornhole. I totally suck at that game. This went on from about 2-6. When I left to go back across the river to meet some girlfriends at Don Pablos, I remember having a solo dance party in my car, which means that I probably shouldn't have been driving. However, my friend drove for the rest of the night, and we ended up cabbin' it back to KY so we were safe. We meet up with Junior (who is a total cutie) at Mainstrauss and go to one of my favorite places, Chez Nora. Even with a male present, the 55+ men have no shame and will douse you in unwanted attention and interrogate you for personal information that they could eventually use to develop a strategy to get the strange that they came out looking for anyway.
Junior had some law school buddies who were going to the party in the park after-party at Jefferson Hall. I was a little apprehensive about going to J-Hall, since last time Lou-Lou and I ended up there bourbon drunk, we received EMAILS from strange men who felt the need to attach pictures of themselves. (Neither one of us could remember what the hell dude looked like) I won't elaborate too much on this story here, but I will just say that it is quite confusing to find photos of strange men with long black hair in your inbox. You start to take a step back and re-evaluate your lifestyle after such instances. That was my most recent J-Hall experience before last night.
It was at Jefferson Hall that I realized the power of the notepad. Since I've been scolded on several occasions for not including certain stories, quotes, ect. on my blog, I've been making a conscious effort to jot down things I need to blog about (as well as things I need to buy, return, do, ect.) on a wee notepad that I keep in my purse. Anytime something happened, or I thought of something funny, I wrote it down. If you could have seen this notepad this morning after last night's debauchery, you would cry from laughter. However, the power of the notepad exists on many levels. Not only is it a useful tool that compensates for my flakiness, it also gives other people the impression that you are very important. As soon as people see you whip out a notepad and start writing, they wonder what they hell you are jotting down, if it's about them, what it's for, and where it will be published. It's the most empowering item that I carry in my purse!
I "interviewed" a drunk guy with my pad and pen in hand. It went like this:
me: If you could describe tonight in one word, what would it be?
(Minnie Interrupts: ...and cunnalingus is taken!)
drunk guy: As I'm lookin' at you, I've gotta say "sexy".
quality, quality people.
So at J-Hall I decided to use my notepad to fuck with the cover band (Kissing Pat). I really did want to post about them on here, as they did a Muse cover (Muse is another one of my all-time fav bands). They played "Hysteria" from the 2004 Muse album Absolution. A fucking great album! Standing right up in front of the band, I locked eyes with every musician except for the drummer, and every 30 seconds or so I would write something down on my note pad. It made them nervous, and it was quite obvious - especially the singer, who kept looking over at me. I was trying to look very serious. Whether they thought I was writing a review for citybeat, or just some eccentric drunk is neither here nor there- because I had fun acting! The notepad successfully transformed a giggly drunk chick into a pretentious, critical journalist. My advice to friends: from now on, you should make it a point to carry a notepad with you at all times. You will remember so much more about your life and trust me, it WILL elevate your status.
As for my pretentious critique: I give their Muse cover 4 out of 5. My newest crush, the guy on keys (Pat), is not only a very handsome fellow, but also a classically trained pianist. They could have done so much on the keyboard - but I guess they didn't have a synth? I don't know why they didn't explore that, but the lines that I would have played on keys they had their bassist playing. It was not my preference, but I give them props because that's technically VERY difficult. It was definitely bass-man's moment to shine.
It was really helpful through the entire performance that a booty dancing fatman was right in front of the band doing body rolls that should have been outlawed a long time ago. We referred to him as the Dumpling, because he was such a frump-ass shakin' all of himself all over the damn dance floor. This was possibly the most distracting thing I have ever seen in my life. Probably even more distracting than road head, but I'm only guessing because I don't have a penis.
We left J-Hall around midnight, dropped Junior off at his place and ventured back across the majestic Ohio river to one of Cincinnati's finest establishments: Lodge Bar. A few weeks ago, I promised myself that I would never go back to this place because of all the douchebags that frequent this bar. (I wish I could now enter a footnote here: One exception to the douchebag populus is a guy I met at lodge bar who deserves a mention...we will call him Charlie because I think he would make a very good Charlie. He is quite intelligent with very cute hair, and is also responsible for making me aware of the mysterious BlackFinn drunk to which I often refer and even posted about a while back. In fact, my friend and I even vowed to each other that we would be in bed before "LODGE" was the only word we had the capacity to utter.)
So let's discuss the Lodge Bar crowd-
Ladies First: All the girls will have wrinkles and cancer by the time they are 35, because they are too tan. They also commit horrendous fashion crimes, such as spider lashes, shortie mc short shorts paired with spaghetti strap tanks (i.e. too much skin), lower back tatoos, bad dye jobs, fake coach purses straight from the street corner, and more ill-fitting tops and dresses than you've ever seen in your life. What do they all have in common? They all think they are sexy as hell. So, they dance on the stage, on the bars, ect and have really dramatic bathroom conversations about the guys they are hooking up with. I don't think I'm cool enough to understand this culture and lifestyle. These girls are extremely attracted to the gentlemen who also enjoy the lodge bar.
Men at the Lodge Bar: No taller than 6' even. Ever. If they aren't wearing a shirt with horizontal stripes, they look like Kevin Federline repros. A whole flock of them. They stand in groups and objectify women with their, literal and figurative, male gaze. Every once in a while one of them gets enough *liquid* courage to approach a girl verbally with a horrible line such as, "Hey girl I wanna getta know ya," At this point, he can determine whether or not he will be getting laid by the female's response. The super-tan fashion disasters will smile and submit to a good 2 hours of getting the bad touch on the dance floor. (For those of you who are unaware, the badtouch is defined as the nudge felt by a female, usually on the rump during some sexually charged dancing, caused by a drunk horny guy's bangin' boner. Add that one to your vocabulary.) Chicks like my friend and I take a different approach. I respond to a dbag advance in one of two ways: I either resort to being an ice queen and completely reject the advance, OR if I have the energy I employ a type of Socratic method to patronize the ignorance of drunk men. I make them look like retards, and they don't exactly catch it so they feel flattered and I amuse my friends. It's really a win-win situation.
One example: (this guy was a retard, high on his horse. I was the most sarcastic person in the world, and he of course didn't get it because his ego was in the way of his comprehension. So I made him feel good while laughing on the inside.)
guy: Hey you, what's your name?
me: what's yours?
guy: Brad (or whatever the fuck he said his name is, don't really remember)
me: What are you all about, Brad?
guy: Do you ever watch any football?
me: Sure do.
guy: Because I play for *such and such* University, and if you watch them play you'd know that I was the quarterback.
me: Oh wow. I didn't know that. You must be quite the athlete. What kind of skill does that take?
guy: I have a good arm, and I have great hands...(poor attempt to set-up a suggestive comment, that I diverted by interrupting with...)
me: ...so you get a degree out of this, am I right?
guy: oh yes. three of them.
me: three of them! my, you must be *SO* talented. What are you studying?
guy: I am working on my doctorate in criminal justice.
me: *wow.* you are practically a doctor. that is so impressive. how did you even manage to do everything that you've done and be so successful?
guy: I've always been an over-achiever.
me: Well yes of course, that's obvious in the way you carry such an interesting conversation. It comes across right away.
(the best part: this guy obviously didn't know where I worked!)
On the other hand, there are also always a random selection of just fuckin' weirdos who are nothing like the douchebags. Last night we encountered 1. stupid men over 40 and 2. west africans. I've gotten into a pretty bad habit of, upon seeing a black guy who dresses like a white dude, just going ahead and speaking french to him. Funny enough, it works every time! I've found there to be a prevalent population of West African immigrants in the Cincinnati. My favorite cab driver who has done everything in his power to keep this drunk kentuckian off the streets of Clifton at 3AM speaks french with me, and I think that's why we get along like we do. What's really funny is that I'm so used to only speaking in french with africans, that when Charlie the whitey asked me if I spoke french at the gym the other day, I hesitated - I was taken back that a white guy in Cincinnati could speak french! It really threw me for a loop!
The african guy, Moe, made me feel guilty for practicing drunk french on him, so I did tell him that I would write down his number. In my notepad, I have written below his name and number: "WORST MISTAKE OF MY FUCKIN LIFE: LODGE BAR ON COLLEGE NIGHT." Yes, it was college night. I felt a little out of place, not having a fake ID and all. However, this didn't stop the 40+ Michiganders. These guys from Detroit were annoying as hell. So annoying that I left my friend to chat with them herself while I found some people that I knew from UC. My friend has way more game than I do anyhow, so she's more apt at entertaining these types. In fact, she had caused one of the guys to speak these wonderfully quotable lines with unbelievable fervor:
"All those curves....all those dance moves....you're DRIVIN' me CRAZAY!"
Dear god. What a night.
There is a god: The Kooks are coming to Cincy!
I have not been so excited about a show in a VERY long time! I mean, I'm gonna have a blast at the Snoop Dogg concert, but it will be a different kind of fun. More the kind where I will be laughing at other people and on the inside pretending that I'm gangster. However, the Kooks are one of my favorite bands of all time...EVER. YES. They are f'ing awesome, and they're playing at Bogart's on October 12th. I have been checking their website for a while now (along with the Frattellis' as well) and I never thought they would tour the US, but they are!!!! October 12 seems SO far away right now, but the fact that it's a wee while away allows me to get SUPER excited about it. Hearing this news almost killed my hangover- it at least seriously reduced it. Tickets go on sale this MONDAY for 16 bucks. You can bet yer breeches that I'm buying a few, too! At the concert, I'll be wearing my "pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty petticoat..." ha!
check out their new release, "Shine On" - the opening lyrics make me melt...
Safety pins holding up the things
That make you mine
About your hair, you needn't care,
You look beautiful all the time.
Top 10 Favorite Rap Songs of All Time
I got high the other night and decided to make some lists. Among the first I will share with you is my list of my favorite ten rap songs of all time. If you don't have these downloaded already, you should buy them on iTunes. You will thank yourself later!
10. Naughty by Nature - Feel Me Flow
9. Dr. Dre - The Next Episode
8. Lil Whyte - Smokin' Song
7. Afroman - Colt 45
6. Lil Troy - Wanna be a Baller
5. 2 Pac - Shorty Wanna Be a Thug
4. Paul Revere - Beastie Boys
3. 2 Pac and Snoop Dogg - 2 of Amerikaz Most Wanted
2. Dr. Dre - Nuthin' but a G Thang
1. Snoop Dogg and Dat Nigga Daz - Gin and Juice
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Euro 2008 Semi-Finals
I'm gearing up to drink a substantial amount of beer tomorrow as I watch Germany take on Turkey in the European Football Semi-Finals. As I've spent substantial time in both countries, I know about their fan bases. Germany has got it, as far as I'm concerned.
The game will be aired live on ESPN at 2:30 PM Eastern time. Catch it if you can, it should be a good one!
(Thursday is the other semi-final match between Russia and Spain - neither of which I have vested interest- at 2:30 PM ET)
***Note on preference: just because I support Germany to go all the way does not mean that they are my favorite football team. I prefer the Scottish Premier League, and I am a Glasgow Rangers fan through and through!
Now I'm often to shitty Urban Active to burn the calories that I will consume tomorrow in beer....
Harrison Ford Elected to the AIA Board
It's amazing how influential actors can be - Click the title of the post to go to the original article on the AIA website. I meant to post this a while back, but with finals and all I kept forgetting:
"Indiana Jones" shows his commitment to real archaeology.
After years of being identified on screen as the legendary archaeologist "Indiana Jones," actor Harrison Ford has won election to the Board of Directors of the Archaeological Institute of America. With his Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull set to hit U.S. movie theaters on May 22, the film star commented on his real world dedication to archaeology, "Knowledge is power, and understanding the past can only help us in dealing with the present and the future."
The Archaeological Institute of America is North America's oldest and largest non-profit organization devoted to archaeology. With more nearly a quarter of a million members and subscribers and 105 local chapters, it promotes archaeological excavation, research, education, and preservation on a global basis. At the core of its mission is the belief that an understanding of the past enhances our shared sense of humanity and enriches our existence. As archaeological finds are a non-renewable resource, the AIA's work benefits not only the current generation, but also those yet to come in the future.
"Harrison Ford has played a significant role in stimulating the public's interest in archaeological exploration," said Brian Rose, President of the AIA. "We are all delighted that he has agreed to join the AIA's Governing Board."
In addition, the current May/June issue of ARCHAEOLOGY magazine, published by the AIA, features a cover story devoted to the mysteries surrounding the alleged crystal skull archaeological finds that inspired the new "Indiana Jones" film. For the complete article, go to www.archaeology.org.
Harrison Ford is already helping to raise public awareness of the AIA and its mission as the news of his election to the Board has spread. Many media outlets have covered the story. Here are a few links:
Harrison Ford Elected To Boston-based Archaeological Group, CBS News
Real-Life Indys Treat Ford Like One of Their Own, E! online
Indiana Jones and the Archaeological Institute of America, The Adventurist
(go to the AIA site for the live links, they didn't paste with the text)
"Indiana Jones" shows his commitment to real archaeology.
After years of being identified on screen as the legendary archaeologist "Indiana Jones," actor Harrison Ford has won election to the Board of Directors of the Archaeological Institute of America. With his Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull set to hit U.S. movie theaters on May 22, the film star commented on his real world dedication to archaeology, "Knowledge is power, and understanding the past can only help us in dealing with the present and the future."
The Archaeological Institute of America is North America's oldest and largest non-profit organization devoted to archaeology. With more nearly a quarter of a million members and subscribers and 105 local chapters, it promotes archaeological excavation, research, education, and preservation on a global basis. At the core of its mission is the belief that an understanding of the past enhances our shared sense of humanity and enriches our existence. As archaeological finds are a non-renewable resource, the AIA's work benefits not only the current generation, but also those yet to come in the future.
"Harrison Ford has played a significant role in stimulating the public's interest in archaeological exploration," said Brian Rose, President of the AIA. "We are all delighted that he has agreed to join the AIA's Governing Board."
In addition, the current May/June issue of ARCHAEOLOGY magazine, published by the AIA, features a cover story devoted to the mysteries surrounding the alleged crystal skull archaeological finds that inspired the new "Indiana Jones" film. For the complete article, go to www.archaeology.org.
Harrison Ford is already helping to raise public awareness of the AIA and its mission as the news of his election to the Board has spread. Many media outlets have covered the story. Here are a few links:
Harrison Ford Elected To Boston-based Archaeological Group, CBS News
Real-Life Indys Treat Ford Like One of Their Own, E! online
Indiana Jones and the Archaeological Institute of America, The Adventurist
(go to the AIA site for the live links, they didn't paste with the text)
Most recent act of nerdness
Today, I sent an email to Mariet Westermann. It's unlikely that you know who that is, unless you get off to 17th century Netherlandish painting (like I do). She is a Dutch professor of Art History at NYU, and I have read all of her books and most of her articles and reviews. I will go ahead and tell you that she is the shit... seriously. Not only is this woman an incredible researcher and writer, she has a great sense of humor that comes through in all of her work. We also have the same research interest: Jan Steen! If you asked me to name people who I'd love to meet in person OR that I most admire, she would certainly be one of them.
The email that I sent her included the following elements:
1. self-deprecation, recognition of my status as a lowly grad student
2. admiration of her work, citing specifics of course
3. explanation of my project and
4. plea for research advice
I told her that I was going to be in New York, at NYU where she teaches, and I suggested that we have coffee and talk about our favorite painter. If she even replies to my email, I swear to god that I will freak out and be totally star-struck. If I get to have coffee with her, I'm gonna have a bystander take our picture, just so all the people I tell who don't know who the fuck she is will believe me.... OMG OMG OMG
Don't fret, I will keep you posted on this (hopefully) evolving situation.
Here is a link to her faculty page at NYU.
Monday, June 23, 2008
most recent disappointment: Radiohead sold out
Yup, the Radiohead show in Cleveland that I wanted to drive to on August 4th is fucking sold out. I could just drive and get scalped tickets, but I hate running that risk. If anyone hears anything else regarding this event, you best be calling or emailing... I am devastated.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Only Children
What do I have in common with Da Vinci, JP Sartre, Robin Williams, John Lennon, Samuel L. Jackson, FDR and Alan Greenspan? We're all only children! 65% of Harvard grads are also only children. Considering this, what the fuck am I doing wrong here!? Seriously!
TOGA 2008
I survived my liberation celebration. I couldn't have had a more ideal crew: all of my best girlfriends, and enough people from art school to make very funny things happen. Whenever friends from college come up, you know there will be trouble. No longer do you consider yourself a "graduate student" which for some reason sounds more serious. You are especially not considered a "young professional", because there is nothing professional about the way you behave when you're around buddies from undergrad. I am posting pictures from this legendary evening that I feel represent the essence of the event. As much explanation (that I can remember) will be provided.
This is from the beginning of the partay, sitting out by the baby pool that we filled full of cans of beer. The fine brews included Strohs, Beast (light and Ice), Paps (light and heavy) Keystone, Natty light, Icehouse...yeah and some shitty, shitty beers. The only shitty beer that I was upset about not serving was Old Style. Old style played an essential role during my very formative college years. My friend on the left is wearing a curtain she bought at goodwill, I'm wearing wal-mart yardage in baby blue, and my accomplice on the right is wearing an Elvis toga. Jail house rock, specifically.
I wasn't even THAT drunk in this one. I guess I just felt romantic. It must have been the Elvis toga. Or the beer and punch.
Speaking of punch, the night before this partay I chopped up a bunch of fruit and soaked it in booze, Corbin Field Party style. I SHOULD have just used everclear, but instead I used Kentucky Gentleman. I hope I never drink KG again, and I hope none of my family, friends, future children or any loved ones ever again drink KG. I know why I stick to Maker's and Knobb Creek. KG is like gasoline, but cheaper. My buddy who helped me get everything together put the fruit in with some pineapple juice and MORE KG, to make a really toxic cocktail that no one wanted to drink, but everyone did.
As the night went on, we all got drunk and started to get lofty aspirations and big ideas...
Of course, there is no filing a baby pool with beers without someone jumping into it. On this particular night, wee Greg was the one who was called to duty. I fuckin' love this kid! Also, he pops up in almost every picture of the night, somewhere.
This "gorgeous" photo was taken right after I insulted my best friend by saying that a guy (who she thought was quite unattractive) looked like the guy she has been seeing. This was right before her disgust for my remark prompted her challenging me to a dance-off. I never pass up a challenge to dance, and I actually continued to work my John Travolta fingers long after the dance off ended. We never determined a winner, but she's brown and I was doing Saturday Night Fever shit, so it was most likely her.
more to come, Hoo ha's pizza is now closing for the night, as is my internet connection... *sigh*
This is from the beginning of the partay, sitting out by the baby pool that we filled full of cans of beer. The fine brews included Strohs, Beast (light and Ice), Paps (light and heavy) Keystone, Natty light, Icehouse...yeah and some shitty, shitty beers. The only shitty beer that I was upset about not serving was Old Style. Old style played an essential role during my very formative college years. My friend on the left is wearing a curtain she bought at goodwill, I'm wearing wal-mart yardage in baby blue, and my accomplice on the right is wearing an Elvis toga. Jail house rock, specifically.
I wasn't even THAT drunk in this one. I guess I just felt romantic. It must have been the Elvis toga. Or the beer and punch. Speaking of punch, the night before this partay I chopped up a bunch of fruit and soaked it in booze, Corbin Field Party style. I SHOULD have just used everclear, but instead I used Kentucky Gentleman. I hope I never drink KG again, and I hope none of my family, friends, future children or any loved ones ever again drink KG. I know why I stick to Maker's and Knobb Creek. KG is like gasoline, but cheaper. My buddy who helped me get everything together put the fruit in with some pineapple juice and MORE KG, to make a really toxic cocktail that no one wanted to drink, but everyone did.
As the night went on, we all got drunk and started to get lofty aspirations and big ideas...
Of course, there is no filing a baby pool with beers without someone jumping into it. On this particular night, wee Greg was the one who was called to duty. I fuckin' love this kid! Also, he pops up in almost every picture of the night, somewhere.
This "gorgeous" photo was taken right after I insulted my best friend by saying that a guy (who she thought was quite unattractive) looked like the guy she has been seeing. This was right before her disgust for my remark prompted her challenging me to a dance-off. I never pass up a challenge to dance, and I actually continued to work my John Travolta fingers long after the dance off ended. We never determined a winner, but she's brown and I was doing Saturday Night Fever shit, so it was most likely her. more to come, Hoo ha's pizza is now closing for the night, as is my internet connection... *sigh*
My wee vacation and some recent characters
Since my toga party on Friday night, I've been straight chillin' this weekend. I couldn't really ask for more. I'm finished with my classes at the University, and don't start classes in NYC until after Independence Day. So until then, I am smoking *a lot*, taking walks by the river and reading books that do not belong to lists on syllabi.
This is exactly what I did today. I woke up around 11, smoked a bowl, went for a jog, made myself a badass omelet for breakfast, smoked another bowl, read by the pool, ate some PBJ's, napped, smoked a bowl and here I sit at Hoo Ha's Pizza and More in Wilder, KY. I ordered a supreme pizza. They actually have some of the tastiest food I've eaten in Cincinnati here at this little hole in the wall.
So this pizza joint is an eclectic place. I've now become a regular, since I have to walk here everyday (sometimes twice) to check email and BS on my blog. There are some true characters that come here. I look to my left out the front window and see seven harleys. I look to my right and there is nascar playing on a big flat screen beside the two electronic dart machines. I have heard three Johnny Cash songs in the past half hour, with only three doors down and nickelback playing in between. I did overhear a drunk guy in front of me sing a line from beastie boy's "Sabotage", operatically. His friends didn't get it, but it made me smile and laugh on the inside. This is after I overheard him saying that if he couldn't stand working in construction for another summer, he was gonna quit to join the CIA. I wanted to make him aware that, unlike construction jobs, the CIA administers both drug tests and background checks. You can see how this guy, and others, truly make my daily web surfing experience unique. Some of the characters at Hoo Ha's, and some others:
Chef Bob: The man who cooks my food here at Hoo Ha's looks like a cross between this red-headed special ed kid that went to my high school, and a mechanic from the early 80's. So basically, he is a fat and frumpy Napoleon Dynamite. However, he sometimes makes facial expressions like the dramatic squirrel on youtube. He could be the poster boy for flowbee, as he has some of the world's worst hair. He never wears gloves or anything that would allude to sanitary food preparation. His mouth constantly hangs open, and he often comes close to drooling then catches himself. Bob asks me every single time I come in, "What are you doing tonight?" I of course know better than to answer this question honestly, however at first I tried to at least entertain it. Now I just initiate conversations about books and current events that he doesn't know about and he gets very uninterested, very quickly. I have found this method of reacting to unwanted attention quite effective. (blog on responses to unwanted attention forthcoming) I'm not going to be rude to him - he's making the food I eat (even if he tosses my pizza dough with the same hands he itches his sweaty balls with).
Stripper waitress: My waitress (one of the two that is employed at Hoo Ha's) is gorgeous. Her body is banging, she's half-asian, her hair is down to her butt long and she's always whipping it around, and she's got the biggest, beautiful eyes (like a cat) that accentuate her exotic look. I have determined that she MUST be a stripper, based on her appearance, body and mannerisms. For instance, when she drops something she bends over stickin' her ass out and raises up really slowly, when she finally flips her hair up. Do you know this move that I speak of? It's kinda like the bend-and-snap, but far sexier.
At one point, I was wishing I could be as sexy as she is. Then, the first time I spoke with her at length, I noticed that she was chewing a mouth full of yellow tictacs and garbanza beans. I quickly realized those were her teeth, yellow and pointing in all different directions. Poor girl has a desperate need for dental care. Besides this, she is totally hot, and I guarantee the guys that come here do not give a damn about what her teeth look like. She is also so fucking nice to me and someday I might even ask her how she learned to be so sexy.
Serious: Serious is a character from the gym that I see when I'm lifting weights. This is not the university gym, but Urban Active (which is just a comical place anyway - blog entry forthcoming). Serious got her name because of her nature and disposition. You can see every muscle group in this woman's body, like a fitness model (think Iron Man, not Shape). Her workout costume consists of long black spandex shorts and a black sports bra. I have never seen her wear anything but this outfit, and she is in the gym every time I'm there. She can't have a job or any obligations.
Serious is serious not only for her outrageously huge muscles and ritual black spandex uniform, but also her serious nature and demeanor. I understand that there are weird unspoken social rules for the gym, and one of them is to focus only on what you are doing. However, Serious will get uncomfortably close to me, like inches away, and she never smiles or makes eye contact or even acknowledges that she is 4 inches from fucking up my reverse flys. There will be 8 ft of mirror space on either side of me, and she will stand RIGHT beside me. Furthermore, she will actually start doing the same fuckin' exercise as you are doing! She will do tricep curls if you are doing them. She will do squats if you start doing them. I am about 4mm away from cussing her out right now because it gets on my nerves so damn badly.
Paul: the guy who lives below me. threatens to call the police every time I have parties. watches everyone in our building like a hawk. he knows exactly what I'm doing at any given moment, and it's really fuckin' creepy. Today, after I chiefed for a while and headed down here to the pizza place, I ran into him and he decided that it would be a great time to ask me how my celebrating Stan's departure was going, and what I was burning in the condo. It caught me off-guard, so much that I kinda went blank when he asked what I was burning, so there was a long, awkward pause, until I finally replied, "Chicken Salad". That's a cold dish, retard. I don't know what I was thinking.
This is exactly what I did today. I woke up around 11, smoked a bowl, went for a jog, made myself a badass omelet for breakfast, smoked another bowl, read by the pool, ate some PBJ's, napped, smoked a bowl and here I sit at Hoo Ha's Pizza and More in Wilder, KY. I ordered a supreme pizza. They actually have some of the tastiest food I've eaten in Cincinnati here at this little hole in the wall.
So this pizza joint is an eclectic place. I've now become a regular, since I have to walk here everyday (sometimes twice) to check email and BS on my blog. There are some true characters that come here. I look to my left out the front window and see seven harleys. I look to my right and there is nascar playing on a big flat screen beside the two electronic dart machines. I have heard three Johnny Cash songs in the past half hour, with only three doors down and nickelback playing in between. I did overhear a drunk guy in front of me sing a line from beastie boy's "Sabotage", operatically. His friends didn't get it, but it made me smile and laugh on the inside. This is after I overheard him saying that if he couldn't stand working in construction for another summer, he was gonna quit to join the CIA. I wanted to make him aware that, unlike construction jobs, the CIA administers both drug tests and background checks. You can see how this guy, and others, truly make my daily web surfing experience unique. Some of the characters at Hoo Ha's, and some others:
Chef Bob: The man who cooks my food here at Hoo Ha's looks like a cross between this red-headed special ed kid that went to my high school, and a mechanic from the early 80's. So basically, he is a fat and frumpy Napoleon Dynamite. However, he sometimes makes facial expressions like the dramatic squirrel on youtube. He could be the poster boy for flowbee, as he has some of the world's worst hair. He never wears gloves or anything that would allude to sanitary food preparation. His mouth constantly hangs open, and he often comes close to drooling then catches himself. Bob asks me every single time I come in, "What are you doing tonight?" I of course know better than to answer this question honestly, however at first I tried to at least entertain it. Now I just initiate conversations about books and current events that he doesn't know about and he gets very uninterested, very quickly. I have found this method of reacting to unwanted attention quite effective. (blog on responses to unwanted attention forthcoming) I'm not going to be rude to him - he's making the food I eat (even if he tosses my pizza dough with the same hands he itches his sweaty balls with).
Stripper waitress: My waitress (one of the two that is employed at Hoo Ha's) is gorgeous. Her body is banging, she's half-asian, her hair is down to her butt long and she's always whipping it around, and she's got the biggest, beautiful eyes (like a cat) that accentuate her exotic look. I have determined that she MUST be a stripper, based on her appearance, body and mannerisms. For instance, when she drops something she bends over stickin' her ass out and raises up really slowly, when she finally flips her hair up. Do you know this move that I speak of? It's kinda like the bend-and-snap, but far sexier.
At one point, I was wishing I could be as sexy as she is. Then, the first time I spoke with her at length, I noticed that she was chewing a mouth full of yellow tictacs and garbanza beans. I quickly realized those were her teeth, yellow and pointing in all different directions. Poor girl has a desperate need for dental care. Besides this, she is totally hot, and I guarantee the guys that come here do not give a damn about what her teeth look like. She is also so fucking nice to me and someday I might even ask her how she learned to be so sexy.
Serious: Serious is a character from the gym that I see when I'm lifting weights. This is not the university gym, but Urban Active (which is just a comical place anyway - blog entry forthcoming). Serious got her name because of her nature and disposition. You can see every muscle group in this woman's body, like a fitness model (think Iron Man, not Shape). Her workout costume consists of long black spandex shorts and a black sports bra. I have never seen her wear anything but this outfit, and she is in the gym every time I'm there. She can't have a job or any obligations.
Serious is serious not only for her outrageously huge muscles and ritual black spandex uniform, but also her serious nature and demeanor. I understand that there are weird unspoken social rules for the gym, and one of them is to focus only on what you are doing. However, Serious will get uncomfortably close to me, like inches away, and she never smiles or makes eye contact or even acknowledges that she is 4 inches from fucking up my reverse flys. There will be 8 ft of mirror space on either side of me, and she will stand RIGHT beside me. Furthermore, she will actually start doing the same fuckin' exercise as you are doing! She will do tricep curls if you are doing them. She will do squats if you start doing them. I am about 4mm away from cussing her out right now because it gets on my nerves so damn badly.
Paul: the guy who lives below me. threatens to call the police every time I have parties. watches everyone in our building like a hawk. he knows exactly what I'm doing at any given moment, and it's really fuckin' creepy. Today, after I chiefed for a while and headed down here to the pizza place, I ran into him and he decided that it would be a great time to ask me how my celebrating Stan's departure was going, and what I was burning in the condo. It caught me off-guard, so much that I kinda went blank when he asked what I was burning, so there was a long, awkward pause, until I finally replied, "Chicken Salad". That's a cold dish, retard. I don't know what I was thinking.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
I will be an art appraiser in 6 weeks...
I'm getting old, and I'm getting responsibilities. I'm also getting some letters to put after my name. In less than 2 weeks, I will be headed to NYU to get my license and certification in art appraisal. 4 weeks later, I will have (hopefully!) passed my exams and put in my hours. Yup. I'm going to be a personal property appraiser. I am VERY excited, and I think it will be quite perfect for me! I've been doing provenance research for an art collector in town for several months now and I find it so interesting. I love doing research in general, actually. This career choice seems to synthesize my interest in art, economics, history and research. It also gets me out of pursuing a PhD! muhuahaha !!!
I've been exploring areas of specialization, and I'm considering jewelry, oriental rugs and fine china. Ideally, I would work with 17th century Dutch paintings, but that is perhaps a bit too narrow and certainly not applicable to the greater Cincinnati area (where I hope to live for at least a little while longer...). So, my connoisseurship courses are: 18th and 19th century furniture, Jewelry appraisal, and American silver. Most of my time in NYC (Monday-Friday 8AM - 8PM) will be spent learning about art as it pertains to insurance, damage and loss, estate matters, charitable contributions, and equitable distribution. My appraisal classes, which cover these topics and others, are: Research Methods, Art Law, Essentials of Appraising, and an Appraisal Writing Workshop. I also have a study and review course (only 3 days long) for the USPAP (Uniform Standards for Professional Appraisal Practices) exam. For me, it sounds like it's gonna be the bee's knees.
My NYC living arrangements: I have arranged for an apartment with some roommates in Greenwich Village. To my dismay, I can't take Maximus with me, because ferrets are illegal to own in New York City! I am quite upset about being away from him for so long.... Nevertheless, I'm excited about my classes, my living arrangement AND about adventures in the city...and you better believe that I will be posting some stories from the big apple on here as they happen.
I've been exploring areas of specialization, and I'm considering jewelry, oriental rugs and fine china. Ideally, I would work with 17th century Dutch paintings, but that is perhaps a bit too narrow and certainly not applicable to the greater Cincinnati area (where I hope to live for at least a little while longer...). So, my connoisseurship courses are: 18th and 19th century furniture, Jewelry appraisal, and American silver. Most of my time in NYC (Monday-Friday 8AM - 8PM) will be spent learning about art as it pertains to insurance, damage and loss, estate matters, charitable contributions, and equitable distribution. My appraisal classes, which cover these topics and others, are: Research Methods, Art Law, Essentials of Appraising, and an Appraisal Writing Workshop. I also have a study and review course (only 3 days long) for the USPAP (Uniform Standards for Professional Appraisal Practices) exam. For me, it sounds like it's gonna be the bee's knees.
My NYC living arrangements: I have arranged for an apartment with some roommates in Greenwich Village. To my dismay, I can't take Maximus with me, because ferrets are illegal to own in New York City! I am quite upset about being away from him for so long.... Nevertheless, I'm excited about my classes, my living arrangement AND about adventures in the city...and you better believe that I will be posting some stories from the big apple on here as they happen.
Ron Jeremy at the Beer Cellar
Were you aware that Ron Jeremy heads-up a band that plays weekends at the Beer Cellar? Okay, not really but the likeness is so incredibly obvious that I had to snap these pics while I was there drinking with friends last week!
It was no surprise that many Jeremy-esque gentlemen were in attendance at this fine establishment. I quickly discovered this at my first encounter with this (these) bars. As soon as I walk onto the patio at Finns or whatever the hell that is in between Beer Cellar and Hooters, I go up to the bar to order a drink. At the bar, I feel the presence of someone over my right shoulder, and I actually heard them sniffing my neck. I look over to see a thick happy trail on a beer gut that is hanging out the bottom of a hawaiian print shirt. I quickly turned away without looking at his face. I wanted to avoid being repulsed. The rest of the night I felt like men older than my father were undressing me with their eyes, as they were -quite explicitly-looking my friend Holly and I up and down. yucky.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Parting of ways with Master Stroker
As many of you know, I have just officially ended the worst living arrangement of all time: cohabitation with an EXboyfriend (we will refer to him as Stan). For those of you who don't know, I will make a long story very, VERY short: I had a long-distance relationship, on and off, for 2.5 years with a guy that I thought I knew pretty well. In between my trips to Scotland, France, Turkey, ect. he was never any closer than a 45 minute drive. When he decided to drop out of law school and follow me to Cincinnati for grad school, he moved in with me. Besides making minimal financial contributions and also expecting me to cook and clean for him, I discover during this time his addictions to alcohol, prescription drugs, trading stocks and comic books (yes, sometimes he would compulsively buy 4K worth of comic books in a month...this was not uncommon). I also became familiar with the extent of his depression and anxiety, which caused him to not want to interact with me or have sex with me. Obviously, I caught the brunt of this destructive behavior, and as a therapist's daughter, I tried to be patient, understand and tried to help him find solutions. After my numerous attempts to help him, salvage a relationship, et al., I finally gave up and broke up with him. I asked him several times to get his own place, but being the spoiled, enabled asshole that he is (the son of an influential lawyer and former judge who has always gotten his way, no matter the situation), he refused and manipulated me with my own compassion. He loved the fact that I considered addiction a disease, and even though he made no effort to stop anything he did, he always pulled that out as a last ditch effort for some free pity. Through activating my guilt, he managed to stay around for 5 months after we ended our relationship, paying less than 300 bucks a month to live in my condo and making condescending, snide remarks whenever he found the opportunity. Do I feel stupid? Yes. Do I feel used? Oh yes. Did I learn a lesson? YES!
Of course, if I could change the past I would have dumped him SO much sooner - like, when we realized we were never going to spend significant time together! That's neither here nor there. At present, however, I have many reasons to be cheerful! First, he is GONE. All of his belongings are out of my place. I have blocked him from every possible venue of communication. He has nothing of mine that cannot be replaced. There is no reason for me to ever speak to him again, and this kind of finality feels so damn good... Secondly, I have my space back: I'm putting new flooring down, repainting and making it nice again. LASTLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I have an awesome story to tell that couldn't have happened at a more perfect time:
A couple weeks ago, my father was cleaning off the hard drive of an old laptop of mine that he was using for storage space. The computer had been infiltrated by some porn spam or something and had some pretty graphic pop-ups that my dad could no longer tolerate. So, he was sending it off to Dell and didn't want any sensitive information left on the hard drive. When I gave it to him, I THOUGHT I'd cleared off everything. It was the computer that I had when I was going to school in France, so I had a bunch of videos, photos, ect. that I saved to disk and removed. However, I never thought to check the downloads folder.
It just so happened that a certain video, sent by the exBF via email, had remained in this folder. This video, which I had COMPLETELY forgotten about, was a vigorous solo act starring Stan. In Dad's investigation of the hard drive, he discovered this video. If only someone had been able to record his reaction, like the 2 girls 1 cup video reactions; it would have been PRICELESS. My poor father flipped out! When he broke the news to me over dinner the other night, he couldn't even say the words, "jacking off", "rubbing one out", or even the PC "Masturbation". He, very seriously, locked eyes with me then made the hand gesture!!!!!! I fucking cracked up !!!!! He proceeded to explain the situation:
Dad: (dramatically) "It was the weekend you and your mom were at the museum tea when I was getting the computer situation straightened out. I saw that file with the strange name and opened it. A video of a big dick and a hand going to town popped up on the screen, and I thought, 'Damn those porn sites at it again!' then suddenly the camera angle changes and it shows the guy's face and it was fuckin' STAN! I couldn't even believe it!"
me: "HOLY SHIT dad! What did you do?!"
Dad: (again, very seriously) "I'll tell you what, I experienced a whole range of emotions. At first I could have strangled him, then I was really disgusted and confused. When it finally sunk in, I realized how fuckin' stupid he was for sending this. When I showed your mom, she said "Ewww! Why is it so red?" so then I realized how funny it was and I could finally laugh at it."
So of course I had to offer an explanation as to why that was on my computer. First, I had no idea it was being emailed to me, or that he was even doing that and sending it. I got a text that read "check your email" so I did. I checked in an area akin to an internet cafe, where every person can see exactly what you have on your screen. So when I opened it up and it started, it played for no more than 5 seconds before I began frantically trying to close out the window !!! CLICK X CLICK X CLICK X !!!! I didn't want anyone to see a dick on my computer screen, that's embarrassing and not something so acceptable in public places. Secondly, watching a dude jerk off does nothing for me, so i wasn't interested in watching it again. So, I completely forgot about it and never thought to check the download folder for any crap like that.
I feel so lucky to have parents who aren't judgmental or condescending. I got no lecture, only laughter from the situation which was a very good thing. My parents think it's so fucked up and funny, that they no longer refer to Stan by his actual name. Instead, they call him "Stroking Aces" or "Master Stroker". priceless.
Of course, if I could change the past I would have dumped him SO much sooner - like, when we realized we were never going to spend significant time together! That's neither here nor there. At present, however, I have many reasons to be cheerful! First, he is GONE. All of his belongings are out of my place. I have blocked him from every possible venue of communication. He has nothing of mine that cannot be replaced. There is no reason for me to ever speak to him again, and this kind of finality feels so damn good... Secondly, I have my space back: I'm putting new flooring down, repainting and making it nice again. LASTLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I have an awesome story to tell that couldn't have happened at a more perfect time:
A couple weeks ago, my father was cleaning off the hard drive of an old laptop of mine that he was using for storage space. The computer had been infiltrated by some porn spam or something and had some pretty graphic pop-ups that my dad could no longer tolerate. So, he was sending it off to Dell and didn't want any sensitive information left on the hard drive. When I gave it to him, I THOUGHT I'd cleared off everything. It was the computer that I had when I was going to school in France, so I had a bunch of videos, photos, ect. that I saved to disk and removed. However, I never thought to check the downloads folder.
It just so happened that a certain video, sent by the exBF via email, had remained in this folder. This video, which I had COMPLETELY forgotten about, was a vigorous solo act starring Stan. In Dad's investigation of the hard drive, he discovered this video. If only someone had been able to record his reaction, like the 2 girls 1 cup video reactions; it would have been PRICELESS. My poor father flipped out! When he broke the news to me over dinner the other night, he couldn't even say the words, "jacking off", "rubbing one out", or even the PC "Masturbation". He, very seriously, locked eyes with me then made the hand gesture!!!!!! I fucking cracked up !!!!! He proceeded to explain the situation:
Dad: (dramatically) "It was the weekend you and your mom were at the museum tea when I was getting the computer situation straightened out. I saw that file with the strange name and opened it. A video of a big dick and a hand going to town popped up on the screen, and I thought, 'Damn those porn sites at it again!' then suddenly the camera angle changes and it shows the guy's face and it was fuckin' STAN! I couldn't even believe it!"
me: "HOLY SHIT dad! What did you do?!"
Dad: (again, very seriously) "I'll tell you what, I experienced a whole range of emotions. At first I could have strangled him, then I was really disgusted and confused. When it finally sunk in, I realized how fuckin' stupid he was for sending this. When I showed your mom, she said "Ewww! Why is it so red?" so then I realized how funny it was and I could finally laugh at it."
So of course I had to offer an explanation as to why that was on my computer. First, I had no idea it was being emailed to me, or that he was even doing that and sending it. I got a text that read "check your email" so I did. I checked in an area akin to an internet cafe, where every person can see exactly what you have on your screen. So when I opened it up and it started, it played for no more than 5 seconds before I began frantically trying to close out the window !!! CLICK X CLICK X CLICK X !!!! I didn't want anyone to see a dick on my computer screen, that's embarrassing and not something so acceptable in public places. Secondly, watching a dude jerk off does nothing for me, so i wasn't interested in watching it again. So, I completely forgot about it and never thought to check the download folder for any crap like that.
I feel so lucky to have parents who aren't judgmental or condescending. I got no lecture, only laughter from the situation which was a very good thing. My parents think it's so fucked up and funny, that they no longer refer to Stan by his actual name. Instead, they call him "Stroking Aces" or "Master Stroker". priceless.
Friday, June 13, 2008
le fin
So I've officially completed my first year of grad school. Weird. Finality triggers reflection, and today I feel like a victim of my own wondering. It sorta gets me down. The fact that I've been re-reading Nietzsche certainly does not help the fact.
Some days you just don't feel like yourself. I was sitting at my desk today, and I realized that I was being SUPER quiet. WTF, mate?! Then, I started thinking about "how I don't have any girlfriends in Cincinnati," and how "I'm a douchebag magnet." I mean, seriously? I only go to school with some of the nicest, coolest guys in America, and my best friend, along with 2 of my sorority sisters, live in Cincinnati. All others ('cept for LouLou in cali!) are no more than an hour and a half away. I was just gettin' high and laying out by the pool with one of my best friends from college yesterday for her birthday. Man, I am so full of shit for thinking those silly things.
However, this week (and weekend) is in fact one of the biggest rites of passage that I have experienced. Not because of the school year ending or anything like that - tomorrow is Stan's graduation and after this weekend, I will have my place back! This is so huge - It will be so quiet around here without him yelling at me. My place will not be a wreck! My ferret can do what he damn well pleases! No longer will I be used! I will officially have some peace in my life. Will I even know what to DO with myself?
I'll tell you one thing, I will be naked 24/7. Probably gonna start blogging naked as early as Tuesday. I will not have to care about what i'm listening to, watching, or where I put my books and shoes when I come in from class and work. Bi-weekly parties. Slumber parties. Sexy parties. Yes, all of the above.
It's exactly one week until the celebration of this rite of passage: Toga Liberation party. I think shopping for toga fabric needs to go on my to-do list for tomorrow. If anyone wants to be the hero and buy me the most awesome gift of the party, you can get me this tote bag with Maximus on it.
I'm still debating over keg or cans. There should be far less than 100 people there, so one wouldn't think we would need a keg. However, you can't hang vertically and binge drink atop cases of beer. Kegs are so much more fun!
So it's been a crazy day, and it's time to smoke a bowl and watch old episodes of Ren and Stimpy. I'll probably end up posting some cartoons on here. I'm such a geek.
Some days you just don't feel like yourself. I was sitting at my desk today, and I realized that I was being SUPER quiet. WTF, mate?! Then, I started thinking about "how I don't have any girlfriends in Cincinnati," and how "I'm a douchebag magnet." I mean, seriously? I only go to school with some of the nicest, coolest guys in America, and my best friend, along with 2 of my sorority sisters, live in Cincinnati. All others ('cept for LouLou in cali!) are no more than an hour and a half away. I was just gettin' high and laying out by the pool with one of my best friends from college yesterday for her birthday. Man, I am so full of shit for thinking those silly things.
However, this week (and weekend) is in fact one of the biggest rites of passage that I have experienced. Not because of the school year ending or anything like that - tomorrow is Stan's graduation and after this weekend, I will have my place back! This is so huge - It will be so quiet around here without him yelling at me. My place will not be a wreck! My ferret can do what he damn well pleases! No longer will I be used! I will officially have some peace in my life. Will I even know what to DO with myself?
I'll tell you one thing, I will be naked 24/7. Probably gonna start blogging naked as early as Tuesday. I will not have to care about what i'm listening to, watching, or where I put my books and shoes when I come in from class and work. Bi-weekly parties. Slumber parties. Sexy parties. Yes, all of the above.
It's exactly one week until the celebration of this rite of passage: Toga Liberation party. I think shopping for toga fabric needs to go on my to-do list for tomorrow. If anyone wants to be the hero and buy me the most awesome gift of the party, you can get me this tote bag with Maximus on it.
I'm still debating over keg or cans. There should be far less than 100 people there, so one wouldn't think we would need a keg. However, you can't hang vertically and binge drink atop cases of beer. Kegs are so much more fun!
So it's been a crazy day, and it's time to smoke a bowl and watch old episodes of Ren and Stimpy. I'll probably end up posting some cartoons on here. I'm such a geek.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
looking at David Hasselhoff hurts my feelings
Perhaps the only person I find more visually offensive that Mitt Romney is David Hasselhoff. Yes, I am honestly offended when I look at him, and I question not only the taste, but also the integrity of women who find him attractive. This really is a moral issue for me.
So, I've collected a small sampling of media capturing quintessential Hasselhoff moments so you too can understand the absurd character that is David Hasselhoff.
This photo was the first offense. This could be considered animal cruelty, and I have never felt so sorry for innocent, undeserving pug puppies in my 23 years on this earth.
As Juan pointed out to me last night, he might possibly be the worst singer in the world. You can listen to one of his "hits" by clicking here. The white suit doesn't do much for him, either. This is why I drink coke.
If I were going to celebrate the fall of Communism, David Hasselhoff would be the last person in the world I would invite (with the exception of Kant and Marx). He somehow manages to synthesize his unattractiveness, poor taste and lack of talent in this video of his performance on the Berlin Wall in '89. Even that jacket is too cool for David Hasselhoff.
Finally, we see David in his most shining moment: wasted, belligerent and rolling on the floor while eating and being taped. Priceless.
So, I've collected a small sampling of media capturing quintessential Hasselhoff moments so you too can understand the absurd character that is David Hasselhoff.
This photo was the first offense. This could be considered animal cruelty, and I have never felt so sorry for innocent, undeserving pug puppies in my 23 years on this earth.
As Juan pointed out to me last night, he might possibly be the worst singer in the world. You can listen to one of his "hits" by clicking here. The white suit doesn't do much for him, either. This is why I drink coke.
If I were going to celebrate the fall of Communism, David Hasselhoff would be the last person in the world I would invite (with the exception of Kant and Marx). He somehow manages to synthesize his unattractiveness, poor taste and lack of talent in this video of his performance on the Berlin Wall in '89. Even that jacket is too cool for David Hasselhoff.
Finally, we see David in his most shining moment: wasted, belligerent and rolling on the floor while eating and being taped. Priceless.
Scottish Star Trek
My granddad is the stereotypical scotsman. Every summer, regardless of whether or not we were in the US or Europe, we spent all our days on the golf course. After the first 18 holes, he was certainly whiskey drunk enough to brogue like this:
Brings back fond memories!
Brings back fond memories!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Stella gets a summer job!
Happy Birthday, Stella!
So one of my bestest friends, who is also in grad school, is waiting tables now as her summer job. The people that she works with are a trip, and she's got great stories about their fucked up lives and the things that they do. Most importantly, she made out with one of them, Jason, at work. After this kissy kissy business and the partial-instigation of a summer crush, she discovers that he has a wife !!! Of course, this is confusing, insulting and offensive, but this girl handles it very well with a good sense of humor as you will see. Below, you will find her hilarious email she sent me outlining part of her dialogue with him, and her list of co-workers with descriptions. Priceless!
So she tells Jason that she's not interesting in doing anything with him anymore....
J: Doing... what anymore? We were just kissing
S: Yeah I know, but I forgot to tell you- you have a wife
J: Right, but I wasn't trying to sleep with you...
[editor's note: I will try not to take this, too, as an insult ;D]
S: I know, but it was pretty fun and I should be focusing my energies on someone who might be trying to sleep with me, and might actually be able to.
J: well, okay... I'm sorry
S: Well I'm sorry too, but it's just because I don't need to date married dudes.
etc. And he was like like 'well hey thanks for letting me know early, instead of just not calling, like a punk... maybe we could still hve lunch together sometimes just as friends' and I'm like yeah okay sure.
So anyway, situation taken care of and perhaps has the added bonus of me being the one he can't get. Ha! Geez my thought process is whack.
So, some of the other guys, you ask?
Greg: Really nice dude, life goal is to be an Episcopal priest, but wasn't allowed because he took some test that told them he likes to drink and fuck too much. Lives with a girlfriend but has a crush on me and we have kissed too but he told me last night that he has had sex with other people lots during their relationship. FUN FACT: Knows my friend Stacy, and told me that Stacy told him that Tarah has dryness in the mm-mm area, the outside part, and uses Crisco to cure this.
Mike: Looks like Luke Perry, real cute, has a girlfriend but wishes he could get out of it. Thing is she makes lots of money and supports his ass. Other reason he doesn't want to break up with her: he likes black girls, and this girl is white but very dark, so she's "the best of both worlds." FUN FACT: way hot.
Martin: The guy whose house we went to last night, in the Highlands (Bardstown Road). Badass building, MESSY as the fuckshit. Lives with his girlfriend Stephanie, who wasn't home, so he showed up his scars from this chick he hooked up with last night. She bit him and scratched him and bruised him to death. I actually couldn't look at it until the blunt wore off, because dude it was freaky shit. FUN FACT: Does cocaine! At work and all day every day!
Travis: Short dude. Half-Asian but real cute. Has been inviting me out for drinks about every day since we met- seriously, he calls me every single night with the pretense that he's getting a bunch of people together, but then it always ends with "well why don't you just come over here for a few drinks first." Has a PREGNANT girlfriend- he found out she was pg when she called the cops on him because he was 'beating her' (from his version at least, this never happened) and told him about her baby joy after he'd been in jail a few days. He loves to get with other chicks, because he can't stand her, but is going to make an honest go at being a daddy. HE thinks I'm into HIM. FUN FACT: Dude, Army recruiters make bank.
Am I a hopeless romantic for thinking that fidelity is priority in a relationship? Is this old-fashioned of me? This email made me hate men. (sorry guys!) I recommended to my friend that she actually construct vivid, outrageous stories (also known as lies) about stupid shit, like being a racecar driver, professional roller-skating or eating 9 cans worth of cheese wiz in a sitting, to tell these stupid, piece of shit guys. Then, blog the stories and their responses to them. See how far you could take it and have fun with it!
So one of my bestest friends, who is also in grad school, is waiting tables now as her summer job. The people that she works with are a trip, and she's got great stories about their fucked up lives and the things that they do. Most importantly, she made out with one of them, Jason, at work. After this kissy kissy business and the partial-instigation of a summer crush, she discovers that he has a wife !!! Of course, this is confusing, insulting and offensive, but this girl handles it very well with a good sense of humor as you will see. Below, you will find her hilarious email she sent me outlining part of her dialogue with him, and her list of co-workers with descriptions. Priceless!
So she tells Jason that she's not interesting in doing anything with him anymore....
J: Doing... what anymore? We were just kissing
S: Yeah I know, but I forgot to tell you- you have a wife
J: Right, but I wasn't trying to sleep with you...
[editor's note: I will try not to take this, too, as an insult ;D]
S: I know, but it was pretty fun and I should be focusing my energies on someone who might be trying to sleep with me, and might actually be able to.
J: well, okay... I'm sorry
S: Well I'm sorry too, but it's just because I don't need to date married dudes.
etc. And he was like like 'well hey thanks for letting me know early, instead of just not calling, like a punk... maybe we could still hve lunch together sometimes just as friends' and I'm like yeah okay sure.
So anyway, situation taken care of and perhaps has the added bonus of me being the one he can't get. Ha! Geez my thought process is whack.
So, some of the other guys, you ask?
Greg: Really nice dude, life goal is to be an Episcopal priest, but wasn't allowed because he took some test that told them he likes to drink and fuck too much. Lives with a girlfriend but has a crush on me and we have kissed too but he told me last night that he has had sex with other people lots during their relationship. FUN FACT: Knows my friend Stacy, and told me that Stacy told him that Tarah has dryness in the mm-mm area, the outside part, and uses Crisco to cure this.
Mike: Looks like Luke Perry, real cute, has a girlfriend but wishes he could get out of it. Thing is she makes lots of money and supports his ass. Other reason he doesn't want to break up with her: he likes black girls, and this girl is white but very dark, so she's "the best of both worlds." FUN FACT: way hot.
Martin: The guy whose house we went to last night, in the Highlands (Bardstown Road). Badass building, MESSY as the fuckshit. Lives with his girlfriend Stephanie, who wasn't home, so he showed up his scars from this chick he hooked up with last night. She bit him and scratched him and bruised him to death. I actually couldn't look at it until the blunt wore off, because dude it was freaky shit. FUN FACT: Does cocaine! At work and all day every day!
Travis: Short dude. Half-Asian but real cute. Has been inviting me out for drinks about every day since we met- seriously, he calls me every single night with the pretense that he's getting a bunch of people together, but then it always ends with "well why don't you just come over here for a few drinks first." Has a PREGNANT girlfriend- he found out she was pg when she called the cops on him because he was 'beating her' (from his version at least, this never happened) and told him about her baby joy after he'd been in jail a few days. He loves to get with other chicks, because he can't stand her, but is going to make an honest go at being a daddy. HE thinks I'm into HIM. FUN FACT: Dude, Army recruiters make bank.
Am I a hopeless romantic for thinking that fidelity is priority in a relationship? Is this old-fashioned of me? This email made me hate men. (sorry guys!) I recommended to my friend that she actually construct vivid, outrageous stories (also known as lies) about stupid shit, like being a racecar driver, professional roller-skating or eating 9 cans worth of cheese wiz in a sitting, to tell these stupid, piece of shit guys. Then, blog the stories and their responses to them. See how far you could take it and have fun with it!
Gay Dumbledore
thanks to my buddy Lou-Lou in cali (who was also responsible for my short-term infatuation with the "poak chops" video)
Labyrinth: Escher + Bowie
I wonder if M.C. Escher ever thought that one of his impossible structures would be employed at such a pivotal point in a David Bowie movie
"HEY GIRL DO YOU KNOW BLING BLING!?"
Several years ago, a group of privileged white males got together with their video camera and enough cocaine and baking soda to round up an eager sampling of homeless crackheads. Once assembled, the producers (i.e. privileged white guys) enticed these addicts using hits of crack to debase themselves, endanger themselves and break lots of laws in the meantime. Some of it's funny, some cruel and some hasn't sunken in enough yet for me to offer worthwhile commentary and/or analysis. Regardless, the cast of characters is AMAZING. By far, Bling Bling is the most colorful. This montage of clips, new and old, is a perfect introduction to the oh-so-quotable Bling Bling the crack fiend. Watch enough and you too will choose your favorite Bling Bling quotes. Who knows, you may even one day shout them from a moving vehicle at an unsuspecting pedestrian, causing them to speed-up their walking pace and look straight down at their shoes.
www.bumfights.com has much more...
www.bumfights.com has much more...
Where's my dinner bitch?
Okay, so THIS is the Tom Green skit that has been in the back of my mind for some time now (which also prompted my discovery of those others, thanks to youtube). 4:45 is when the real laughter starts to kick in. I truly wish I had a garden, so in it I could showcase some elaborate statuary akin to the gifts that Tom presents to his parents.
You see, I live with a worthless bastard who has directed language similar to "Where's my dinner, bitch?" at me. He is moving out in 6 days, and I can't remember ever looking forward to one single event in life with this much fervor! I am getting ready to be the happiest girl in the world; or at least the happiest girl in the world who has drank her weight in maker's mark and miller high life. My emancipation is the stuff of which legends are made...
I will be so drunk that the only word I will be able to utter will be, "blackfin" or, um..."Bobby Mackey's" - yeah! that's more like it.
You see, I live with a worthless bastard who has directed language similar to "Where's my dinner, bitch?" at me. He is moving out in 6 days, and I can't remember ever looking forward to one single event in life with this much fervor! I am getting ready to be the happiest girl in the world; or at least the happiest girl in the world who has drank her weight in maker's mark and miller high life. My emancipation is the stuff of which legends are made...
I will be so drunk that the only word I will be able to utter will be, "blackfin" or, um..."Bobby Mackey's" - yeah! that's more like it.
Freestyle Rap: Tom Green vs. Xzibit
To juxtapose that final negative element in the first Tom Green post, and plus this is just badass...
Tom Green is a "fat N****r"?
WOW. So this completely caught me off guard at the end of this callers stupid request...fast forward to the middle-ish and waste less life.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
The wee deer!
This picture was taken by a trail camera in the aforementioned clover patch belonging to my father, about 50 meters from my parents' home. I don't know about you, but that is the tiniest fawn that I have ever seen! It must be a wee newborn, because it's no bigger than a puppy! You can click on the photos to enlarge them and get a sense of the proportions by comparing the fawn's size to that of its mum. At any rate, I thought that it was the cutest little thing I have seen in a long time (besides Maximus, of course), so I thought I would share.
Yes, this is the clover patch over which my father obsesses that I have blogged about in the past (here).
...it's like that and like this and like that...
"I think they in the mood for some muthafuckin' G shit..."
one of my all-time favorite raps... i just forgot about the badass video! I want to cruise in those sweet cars that bounce.
one of my all-time favorite raps... i just forgot about the badass video! I want to cruise in those sweet cars that bounce.
Ferrets of the 'Redwall' series
While I'm stoned and thinking about it, here's the list of Ferrets in the sweet-ass Redwall series. I know that you've been dying, right on the edge of your seat to hear the full tabulation..
Redwall
Killconey. Who, despite the gender-bender of the of the American paperback version, is a male.
Mossflower
Blacktooth. Male ferret in Kotir Army.
Ditchpaw. Another male ferret working at Kotir.
Raker. This male ferret was a Kotir Captain.
Mattimeo
Malkariss. Described as a white polecat. The European polecat is the ancestor of the domestic ferret, so I am adding this one. He was the one that demanded the slaves.
Scringe. Male ferret slaver working under Slagar.
Mariel of Redwall
I know there had to be a few ferrets here, but they are not named.
Salamandastron
Bateye. Male ferret in Ferahgo's army.
Dragtail. Male ferret in Ferahgo's army.
Frang. Male ferret in the same army.
Goffa. Male ferret in the same army.
Martin the Warrior
Bluehide. Male ferret. Worked in Badrang horde.
Boggs. Male ferret that first worked as lookout on the ship Sea Scarab, then worked as horde member.
Stumptooth. Male ferret in the same horde.
Tailwort. Male ferret of same horde.
Wetpaw. Male ferret of same horde.
The Bellmaker
No ferrets here.
The Outcaste of Redwall
Bluefen. Female ferret. Mother of Veil, husband of Swartt Sixclaw, Daughter of Blowfleg.
Bowfleg. Male fat ferret. Father of Bluefen. Warlord.
Bulfie. Male ferret. Works in Swartt's army.
Swartt Sixclaw the Warlord. The only ferret to be a main villian. Male ferret that is father of Veil.
Veil Sixclaw. The son of Swartt, the second ferret to be a main character. Morality is ambiguous.
Wildag. Male ferret of Swartt's horde.
Zigu. Male ferret that had the manner of a gentlebeast. Swordsferret.
The Pearls of Lutra
Deddgutt. Male ferret corsair captain.
Romsca. The one. The only. The Good Lady Romsca. Need I say more?
The Long Patrol
Gromal. Male ferret that is the mate of Skulka.
Rinkul. Male ferret of the Rapscallion army.
Skaup. Male ferret in the Rapscallion army, that is also a rapmark.
Skulka. Female ferret that is the mate of Gromal.
Most recent distraction: Classical Cats
In the library today when I was technically supposed to be finishing my research for this archaeology paper due monday, I stumbled upon the most amazing book that I am now reading for pleasure: Classical Cats: the Rise and Fall of the Sacred Cat, by Donald Engels. It's a fun read and I'm 3/4 of the way through it now. I bet you can guess what I'm NOT 3/4 of the way through!!! I just finished the section on the history of cats in Greece, and I was inspired to post this picture of me in the ancient Greek city of Ephesus...with a kitty!
Sometime, ask me about the Linear B syllabogram "ma" that looks like a kitty cat if you want to hear my stupid impression of ancient vs. modern cat sounds (or at least how humans recreate them).
Saturday, June 7, 2008
wiener in the wind!
Bronze tintinnabulum shaped like a stylized phallus in the form of an ithyphallic rampant griffin, from Herculaneum, 1st c. AD (Now in the Museo Archeologico Nazionale in Naples).
Yes, this is a dick-shaped griffin with a dick of its own and a tail that is also shaped like a dick. Don't forget the wings, either. It once functioned as a wind chime, which was believed to keep away evil forces. And yes, this is the origin of the wind chimes that we still keep...I'm looking at one on my balcony right now. Those Romans thought of everything, dammit.
I strongly support a movement toward bringing back the penis chimes. They would function similarly to their Roman ancestor chimes, keeping away a contemporary idea of "evil forces": fundamentalist Christians, bratty children, homophobes and the like. However, I don't believe this to be progressive in any way, given how men would react to objectification. They just couldn't handle it...
Blackfinn will fuck you up.
I was also informed of this hilarious article in last Thursday's Enquirer:
A good night or a bad one?
When police find you lying on a downtown sidewalk without shoes and a shirt, covered in vomit and able to only utter one word, is that the mark of a bad night – or a good one?
Police arrested Trevor McCombe, 23, of Ft. Wright, Ky., early this morning after receiving a call of a “man down.”
McCombe was wearing only white shorts, according to police and court records, and was only able to say “Blackfin,” which may or may not have referred to BlackFinn, a downtown bar and restaurant.
Police couldn’t find anyone to call in McCombe’s cell phone, and he couldn’t recall his address.
McCombe was arrested at 3:30 a.m. on a charge of disorderly conduct and is set to appear in court Friday afternoon.
While the title is priceless, my favorite part of this article is the fact that the newspaper made an attempt to disaffiliate the drunk loser with the downtown establishment he was "uttering" by removing one of the n's from the spelling.
Findlay Market Rib Patrol
Today I ventured downtown to Findlay Market for the very first time. In line at the butcher, an obese black man asked for a couple racks of ribs. I couldn't help but chuckle on the inside when I overheard his request, as it immediately brought to mind this Dave Chappelle skit:
Friday, June 6, 2008
Cunning Linguists in the Roman Empire
Fourth style wall painting. Probably Neronian, with Vespasianic overpainting. From the south wall of the apodyterium of the Suburban Baths in Pompeii.
So the caption in the catalogue under this image reads: "Scene of Cunnilingus." tee hee hee!...I am still giggling...
Keep in mind that this is before Christianity had really taken off, so there was no doctrine that condemned open, public sexual acts. You could just go to the baths, get some face and call it a day.
GET IT GURRRRLLL! YEAH SON!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Crazy critter
Not really going with this week's theme (although ferrets are believed to have been domesticated by the Romans, and there is a reference to balls...) I just found this photo and cracked myself up. Nothing can brighten my day like a funny ferret picture.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
June 3 - June 10: Painting Sex Week
So this next week (Wednesday through Wednesday) my blogs will be concerned with paintings depicting sexual acts, drawn largely from the Roman world (the Augustan period, if you really wanted to know).
Why am I doing this? 3 reasons:
1. They are pretty funny!
2. All of my time this week will be spent looking at these fuckin' things anyway for my research.
3. I would most certainly rather be getting laid than working on this long-ass research paper. Admittedly, I am jealous of some of the subjects in these paintings!
Today, I have selected a painting of someone who never really got laid (kind of like me right now). This is a portrait of Priapus, god of fertility, fruit, livestock, among other crap. He has a great story: His mother Aphrodite was preggers with him when Paris proclaimed Aphrodite to be more beautiful than Hera. Of course, Hera gets pissed and curses Priapus (only a fetus at the time) with impotence and a filthy mind. Growing up, Priapus was perpetually dirty-minded, horny and limp. There are numerous tales of his failing attempts to rape nymphs, ect. Eventually, he is so plagued by lust that he is "cursed" with a huge, permanent erection that is actually so large it impedes his movement. This is how he is typically portrayed in art: with a huge dick.
In the wall painting I have selected today, this portrayal is no different. In this painting (4th style fresco from the House of the Vetti in Pompeii, 45-79 AD), Priapus leans against a ledge while holding a set of scales. With these scales, he weighs a money bag against his penis.
What do I see when I look at this painting? A painting of a man, by a man. Why? Any woman who saw this would react one of two ways - by laughing or crying. On the other hand, Men seem to be preoccupied with associating penis-size with ego, character and "manhood". The Roman poet Martial writes in his Epigrams about the attention given to a well-endowed man:
"Did you hear approval rise thunderously from the baths? You can be sure Maro's huge cock has appeared." (Epigrams IX.33)
Men are the ones who think having a big dick is so important. Or at least, important enough to quantify through measurement. Likewise, from what I've heard men don't care too much about how much a woman weighs (which is one of our notorious hang-ups). Women are either sexy or they are not. Men either have nice weiners (among other attributes, of course), or not so much. fuck measurement.
After looking at this painting for a while, I found myself thinking more about eating those grapes in the bowl by his feet than having sex with a wang that large (which is a very unpleasant thought, actually). Yes, eating. Not weighing myself. In fact, I think that stepping away from the scales is perhaps one of the most liberating things that a woman could do to rid herself of physical insecurities and anxieties.
In the end, we'd all be much better off eating, drinking, laughing and fucking. Is that, by any chance, a legitimate job description? I'm at a point of transition in my life, so I'm very open and flexible to bold changes in my career path.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Beer Prices linked to cases of STD's
I'm planning a keg party, so i just typed "cheap beer" into the google search bar. The artcle below from About.com was one of the top hits. Although it was published in 2003, it still made me chuckle.
CDC Says Cheap Prices Have a Direct Effect
Cheap beer prices may a have direct effect on increases in sexually transmitted disease (STD) among young people, according to a report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Everytime beer taxes go up or the legal drinking age is raised, gonorrhea rates usually dropped among young people, according to Alcohol Policy and Sexually Transmitted Disease Rates --United States, 1981--1995 published April 28, 2000 by the CDC.
The report says raising the tax on a six-pack of beer by only 20 cents could reduce gonorrhea by up to nine percent among young adults, who are more likely to develop STDs than older adults.
High Risk Behavior
According to the report, young persons who drink alcohol may be more likely than persons who abstain to participate in high-risk sexual activity, such as unprotected sexual intercourse or multiple sexual partners.
If alcohol consumption promotes risky sexual behavior (disinhibition caused by the effects of alcohol), state government alcohol policies, such as alcohol taxation and minimum legal drinking age requirements, might reduce STD incidence among adolescents and young adults.
Higher alcohol taxes and increases in the minimum legal drinking age have been associated with lower incidences of adverse alcohol-related health outcomes (e.g., motor-vehicle crash-related deaths, liver cirrhosis, suicide, and violent crime, including domestic violence).
The study examined the association between gonorrhea rates and alcohol policy indicators -- alcohol taxation and drinking age requirements -- in the 50 states and the District of Columbia during 1981-1995.
Drinking Age and Taxes
Most state beer tax increases were followed by a relative proportionate decrease in gonorrhea rates among young adults during the time period.
This relation was greater for gonorrhea rates among men than women.
Most minimum legal drinking age increases were followed by a relative proportionate decrease in the gonorrhea rate, and this majority was significant among 15-19-year-olds but not among 20-24-year-olds, who would have been less effected by the changes in the law.
Reducing alcohol use and risky sexual behavior among young persons are two national health objectives the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Healthy People 2010 Conference. Higher alcohol prices and improved enforcement of minimum legal drinking age requirements have been highlighted as potential strategies to reduce alcohol consumption by youth.
Created: June 15, 2003
CDC Says Cheap Prices Have a Direct Effect
Cheap beer prices may a have direct effect on increases in sexually transmitted disease (STD) among young people, according to a report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Everytime beer taxes go up or the legal drinking age is raised, gonorrhea rates usually dropped among young people, according to Alcohol Policy and Sexually Transmitted Disease Rates --United States, 1981--1995 published April 28, 2000 by the CDC.
The report says raising the tax on a six-pack of beer by only 20 cents could reduce gonorrhea by up to nine percent among young adults, who are more likely to develop STDs than older adults.
High Risk Behavior
According to the report, young persons who drink alcohol may be more likely than persons who abstain to participate in high-risk sexual activity, such as unprotected sexual intercourse or multiple sexual partners.
If alcohol consumption promotes risky sexual behavior (disinhibition caused by the effects of alcohol), state government alcohol policies, such as alcohol taxation and minimum legal drinking age requirements, might reduce STD incidence among adolescents and young adults.
Higher alcohol taxes and increases in the minimum legal drinking age have been associated with lower incidences of adverse alcohol-related health outcomes (e.g., motor-vehicle crash-related deaths, liver cirrhosis, suicide, and violent crime, including domestic violence).
The study examined the association between gonorrhea rates and alcohol policy indicators -- alcohol taxation and drinking age requirements -- in the 50 states and the District of Columbia during 1981-1995.
Drinking Age and Taxes
Most state beer tax increases were followed by a relative proportionate decrease in gonorrhea rates among young adults during the time period.
This relation was greater for gonorrhea rates among men than women.
Most minimum legal drinking age increases were followed by a relative proportionate decrease in the gonorrhea rate, and this majority was significant among 15-19-year-olds but not among 20-24-year-olds, who would have been less effected by the changes in the law.
Reducing alcohol use and risky sexual behavior among young persons are two national health objectives the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Healthy People 2010 Conference. Higher alcohol prices and improved enforcement of minimum legal drinking age requirements have been highlighted as potential strategies to reduce alcohol consumption by youth.
Created: June 15, 2003
aw piss!
I have been awake for over 30 hours now. I just presented my research proposal in roman archaeology and got ripped apart (and I even talked loudly, Bryan!). It is also raining on the day that I planned on taking it easy and tanning by the pool This fuckin' sucks. I am not cashing in my lotto ticket from last weekend until things start to look up...or until my horoscope predicts that I am good to go. I've got more work this week than I've had in a REALLY long time, and look at what my horoscope tells me:
"Morgane,
If you don't accomplish what you set out to do this morning by the end of the day, it won't be for lack of trying. Yes, I am fuckin' aware of this...I am completely surrounded by books and I just busted my ass to present an idea that got shot-down on the spot. Today is best utilized for working towards a goal rather than creating or finishing one. I agree, I am feeling horribly unproductive and sleep deprived. Do not start anything new until you have completed your current projects. thanks for the advice. Letting go of your own agenda may give you the freedom you seek."
In this 30 hour period, I have looked at over 200 wall paintings from Pompeii and the surrounding area and my eyes feel like they are going to bleed. I did, however, find some AMAZING images that I am planning on scanning and posting. Erotica in Roman painting. It will crack your shit up.
I am ready to peace out of archaeology. I'm really tired of pretending like glorified, overcomplicated creative writing is science. Science wears me out. In the end, archaeology is a discipline fabricated by man not to create, but to instead destroy what others left to the earth. All to make our privileged white selves feel important because we have "history and legacy". Can you tell I'm burnt out? I love history, and I'm talkin' shit.
okay, i'm gonna stop now and instead I am gonna post some funny paintings of big wangs and crazy sex scenes.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
"Fuck that, cause I ain't the one, for a bald motherfucker with a badge and a gun..."
As of yesterday, this is my theme song. I had a pretty ridiculous experience with a cop yesterday:
I was on my way to a cookout with some people from work, where I was running late because I had to bring a dish that took longer than I anticipated to cook, and I also had no clue of where I was going.. I got pulled over for driving 5 over the speed limit. As soon as I stopped, I went into "panic" mode and shuffled to find the papers in my glove compartment to hand to the cop. Meanwhile, this retard is desperate to strike up whatever conversation he can. An excerpt:
cop: "Somethin' in here smells really good,"
me: "I was on my way to a cookout with some friends,"
cop: "This cookout must be on *name of my street*"
me: "No, actually it's somewhere across the river,"
cop: Do you know how I knowed that?"
me: "How?"
The dumb ass then points to the starting address on the google maps driving directions that were laying in the passenger's seat, looks at me, and grins. I was not in the mood to entertain anyone, as this guy was fuckin' up my afternoon. I couldn't find my proof of insurance, so the cop told me to hold on for a second so he could go back to his car and write me a ticket (or do whatever cops mysteriously do when they leave you to fidget around in their cruisers).
So, I was sitting in my car waiting....and waiting...and all of the sudden, another cruiser AND one of those tricked out po-leece Tahoes pull up behind me, all with lights on. WTF? I am young, white and blonde! What's this all about? They begin to consult with each other, and the cop who initially pulled me over was vigorously writing things down. This whole time (lasting about 30 minutes), I was shakin in my boots because I didn't know if I was ridin' dirty or what was the deal!
Finally, they part ways, and the original cop approaches me with a ticket in his hand. I showed him my proof of insurance that I had finally found in a random pocket of my owner's manual. This is what the cop told me:
"Now miss, I wasn't goin' to write you for the missing proof of insurance, only speeding. You were going 5 over, but I decided not to write you for that. Instead, I just wrote you for going 1 over." He acted like this was a HUGE favor, which was NOT the case.
Were you aware of the penalty for going ONE MILE PER HOUR over the speed limit (in a 35 MPH zone) in the state of Kentucky?$140 fuckin' dollars! Do you know how much the fine is for going 5 MPH over? $144 dollars. A fuckin' 4 dollar difference. THIS is the result of this half-hour long collaboration between 3 law enforcement officials? You must be fuckin' kidding me!!!!
When I saw this in the paperwork, and the cop asked if I had any questions, I said to him in a monotone voice, "Your leniency and generosity knows no bounds... thank you officer." When he walked away, I said at least 50 curse words (some in french) under my breath because I was so ridiculously pissed off.
I would think not being in possession of proof of insurance, if that had ended up to be my case, to be far more of a serious offense than going 5 over the speed limit. If he hadn't written me up for that, and something tragic happened, I think being insured would be far more significant than driving slightly faster than you should be. However, logic obviously played no part in this decision.
This is typical of the po-po in the suburbs. Nothing to do, quotas to fill. However, last night karma got these local cops and I witnessed first hand a pretty awesome fist fight at the Levy between first, 2 drunk guys, then the cops who tried to break it up and got a little more than they bargained for.
Minnie and I were driving from downtown bars to the hofbrahaus. Traffic around there was crazy, and I had gotten in the lane that I thought I needed to be in to park. However, the car in front of me had just stopped in the road. Yup, they put it into park right in front of us. Cars were fast and numerous in the other lane so it was impossible to get over to pass these fools. So, my headlights were shining right on this car when the passengers of each of the cars get out, and start yelling and shoving each other. Fists begin to fly, and shit starts to get crazy. These guys are playin' dirty - I think I saw one kick the other in the ribs!
The cops who hang by hofbrahaus finally see what we had been watching from the front row for a few minutes, and sprint over to break it up. Well, it wasn't so easy for the piggies. Those fighting guys weren't having anyone else involved in their altercation, and they started kicking the cops' asses! Literally, they had them on the ground beating the shit out of them! The whole time, Minnie and I are watching from my car, and I'm yelling at her to record it on her black berry so we could youtube it (and post it on this blog!) But, we couldn't get it going in time. We had drank enough beers to be entirely okay with singing the song from "C.O.P.S": ..."bad boys bad boys, whacha gonna do?...." While this fight was taking place. It was pretty funny, and we were cracking ourselves up. The cops eventually got a handle on the situation and pinned those guys down, but it lasted for a while and I was impressed at the intensity of the situation.
I just realized that in the past month, I've seen 3 street fights with either my girlfriends or my mother. I haven't seen shit like this since I left southeastern Kentucky! It's such a crazy world we're living in!
I feel like this is sort of one of those "what goes around, comes around" moments: Some fuckstick tries to fill his quota at the end of the month by writing me a ticket for going 1 mph over, so some of his amigos get their asses whooped by a drunk at a biergarten while two girls sing the the COPS theme song from their car.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
