I accidentally had yet another stupid weekend. I'm giving a long-ass presentation tomorrow in class on my boy Jan Steen. It hasn't actually started itself yet, for several reasons.
First, I would like to stress my INTENDED weekend plans. They included going to the symphony to watch a friend from archaeology classes perform the 9th on Friday night, coming home, waking up early on Saturday morning, shopping, grilling out and working on school shit. How quickly this changed! First, I end up dousing myself in wine and thai food before the concert with my friend Juan. Feeling fat and happy, he proceeds to tell me some awesome stories about his adventures in eastern Europe, while on digs in Hungary. This guy has the best Gypsy story I have ever heard in my life! He was once cursed by a Gypsy, snapped his thumb the next day, climbed 90 meters out of a cave under Budapest with a broken thumb, then hospitalized in a Hungarian hospital where the doctors and nurses smoke while they deliver treatment. There is no way in hell that I can do this story justice on this blog. You will have to listen to Juan tell it. I almost cried laughing!
So fat and happy Morgan and Juan roll into the concert, which was fabulous, then decide to make an appearance at Arlin's. I thought it would be a great idea to bring in my tambourine, since it is Arlin's and anything goes. Plus I was so musically inspired by ol' Ludwig! Basically, the world's biggest douche bags were there, they bugged the shit out of me for my tambourine, and shook it in my friend's face like assholes. It made me quite angry, so I employed my passive-insulting method to put them down. I have carefully refined the art of telling a guy that he has a little dick and will never get laid, and getting him to agree to this while smiling the entire time. These dumbass men then do not realize what they have confirmed or how it reflects on them, because they are too drunk and too blinded by the fact that they think my country accent translates to stupid, slow and naive. This strategy, of putting wasted, horny, rude men in their place, is one part sexual manipulation, one part Socratic method, and one part Scotch wit. Oh yeah, and one part me being a bad ass. I've been man-hating a lot lately, which is not good, but if you lived with what I lived with, you would be a hater too.
Another good reason I was gone all weekend. Away from the loser. So after Friday at Arlin's, I went with a couple art guys on Saturday to "go play putt-putt". We were going to begin this adventure with a round of beers. Of course, this round of beers turned into several rounds, and by 5 I was wasted and mini-golf was far off in the distance. Like, next year, in the distance. I think we went to 4 different bars. I, of course, attracted the world's biggest douche, yet again. He "LOVED" my accent, because apparently he'd dated a KY girl before. He bought us all bourbon, which was a blessing and a curse because then we had to play bocce ball with this cheesedick, and his friend (who was way cooler than him) who I called Silent Bob the whole evening. Since I thought we were going to play putt-putt and ride go carts, I was wearing a beastie boys T and gym shorts, and hadn't even brushed my damn hair. Classy, I know. Somehow, we end up eating hot dogs at Fries Cafe and watching a bluegrass band play, where I found myself yelling, "ROCKYTOP!!!". If only JoAnna had been there. Also, at some point I thought my purse had been fuckin' stolen, but I'm not getting into that. I shouted 'cunt' on accident in an old man's face. He was pretty scared. I made friends with the guys in the bluegrass band, 2 of them were named Ed. They dedicated a song to me. Our group was ridiculously loud, now that I think back on it. We finally ended up at Arlin's, barely alive, where everyone else was much less drunk, because they did not begin pounding beers at 2 in the afternoon. A forty year old woman cupped one of my butt cheeks and told me that I had a nice ass. I have just come to terms with the fact that I attract weirdoes and assholes of all kinds. Did I need to drink for 10 hours to discover this?
I was also fortunate enough to see Bryan's wrestling videos: They are awesome beyond imagination- everything I expected and SO much more. It is an injustice that they are not digitized and on the web!
Wish me luck on my presentation.
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