I like to have wee parties at my place for a number of reasons:
1. I like to play hostess, even though I'm still working on that whole art of timing food, or really adhering to a concept of time all together
2. I live alone and now that my ferret is gone I am SO lonely and I get really spooked at night, so it helps to have people around!
3. I can get as ripped as I want in my own home! It's almost like being invincible, 'till you wake up the next morning feeling barely alive.
...and that's where I am after my wee party last night. It began with an innocent dinner invitation to some friends, and ended with me not being able to work out because of so many pulled muscles. I managed to really fuck up all my abs (from laughing so hard), my lower back and somehow my trap on the right side. I now reek of Icy Hot and cheap beer. But I laughed my ass off, and that is what I have to show for my injuries. I got jokes.
Nevertheless, it was an awesome time! I just woke up naked next to a bunch of empty beers and a plate of cheese. That's how you know you had a good night.
I made artichoke dip, a cheese plate, a salad using mostly greens grown on the family farm, BBQ chicken and chocolate cake and ice cream for dessert. Eating is one of my all-time favorite things to do, besides perhaps smoking ganja, reading and having sex. So, we ate lots and we smoked lots.
In conversation I discovered that I'm not as dynamic as I'd like to think that I am. When one guest of a friend heard that I blogged and asked, "What about?" my other friend simply replied, "She blogs about her friends' sex lives and smoking weed all the time." At first I thought to myself, "no, it's more than that!" and then I realized that yeah that's pretty much it. I don't have a sex life to blog about right now, and if I did I still wouldn't post it (unless something totally outrageous and funny happened, and only at my expense, of course) So I guess I do a whole lot of smokin' and chillin'. I am but a simple woman.
I recorded some funny things on my notepad that we said and did, and for the sake of this discussion I will divide them into two groups by subject: Funny things related to those of us smoking weed, and funny things related to my friends' sex lives that were revealed in last night's stoned conversations, i.e. the things that made my abs sore.
First, we got high and played on youtube. One of my favorite things in the world, besides getting high and reading an english translation of Virgil or Ovid...you will giggle yourself silly if you try to do this - believe me I know from experience. At any rate, youtubin' went on for a while and we certainly ate some kick ass chocolate cake and ice cream while doing so, until I decided that it was an appropriate time to showcase my toy box.
You see, I still have the sense of humor of a 12 year old, and I own some funny, weird and random things that I keep in a big plastic container that I refer to as the toy box. Let's document its contents:
about 20 fake olympic gold medals
a turquoise feather boa that I purchased at a sex shop when I was 17
a scottish tammie with scruffy highlander hair streaming from the back
an Optimus Prime voice-changing helmet
a megaphone shaped voice changer that can make anyone sound like a robot or a monster, among other things
bubbles
The wig that I wore when I was Ann Coulter for halloween
a coonskin hat
a collection of about 8 pornos on VHS from the late 70's/early 80's that once belonged to my grandfather. Titles include "Buttman's Big Adventure," "Magic Dress," and "Where the Girls Are," among others.
frisbees
a fart machine
a Saddam H. mask
several squirt guns
many sets of those raunchy, rotten fake plastic teeth that you put in your mouth over your actual teeth
So for a good while, we youtubed Fire Marshall Bill sketches from In Living Color just so Minnie could do impressions of him with the raunchy teeth in her mouth. If you'd like an idea of how she was behaving, consult the clip below:
So we continued smoking and drinking, and my friend invited one of her pals that I hadn't met yet over to chill. He was a cute, intelligent guy who was down to chill. These are the kinds of guests that I love to have! I was surprised that we didn't scare him off after this night, and I certainly applaud him for his courage.
Besides silly stoner jokes and Filipino aksents, my friend came clean in great DETAIL about a number of intimate experiences she has had with the opposite sex. I will share with you some of the high points.
My friend is Asian, and through comparing our experiences, it's quite safe to say that men expect far crazier sexual acts from her than they do me. I am just a white chick, not that exciting..but she is an asian! That must translate directly into "down for whatever."
Things that would never happen to me (even if I was getting lucky), so I find them extraordinarily strange. The first account: My friend was riding in the car next to this guy she was seeing. This guy really liked to be called, "Daddy." He lifted up her skirt and started spanking her crotch, saying "You like it when daddy spanks that pussy?" She said she had to grab his wrist, look him in the eye and give him one of those big fat "NO."'s with finality.
Secondly, she claims that the phrase spoken to her more often than any other is: "Yeah you like that!"
Finally, the guy she was seeing more recently just asked her to lick his butthole. Yeah, he stuck his ass in her face and requested an ol' RIMMER. Unbelievable.... these are just a few instances; there are MANY more.
This recent guy, Mr. Butthole, apparently has a huge dick. So large, in fact, that it's quite abnormal and strange looking. We got drunk and the term "Parasitic Twin" was coined to describe such abnormally large wangs. I laughed my ass off for a long time about that one.
Overall, this was a good night to kick-off a weekend of celebration. Friday I had about 15 people to my place to eat, drink and smoke, which is always a good time, and the drinking and smoking really continued from Thursday evening through, well, now. I smoked a bowl before I got to the airport, and now I'm waiting in the terminal wondering how this next month is gonna feel. I can't smoke pot until August. This will be the first time in YEARS that I will be able to pass a drug test. It's daunting, really...
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