weekend debriefing

This morning, the following notice from my home owner's association was left under my door:

"The office has received several complaints regarding noise coming from your unit on Friday night. Also, someone from your unit was seen lighting a match under a smoke detector in the hall. As this has not been the first time the office has received complaints about loud noise late at night in your unit - I have told everyone who hears this again to call the police. Although it is your home, it is also other people's home and everyone has the right to the quiet enjoyment of their own unit."

I am working on a written response to this, and when I finish, you can be sure that it will be posted here. However, now that I've had some time to gather details from my friends, I feel that it is only right to explain the actions which prompted this 'written warning'.

I had DAAP people + barristers over for cocktails on friday. I tried to bake a bunch of shit, like chicken and artichoke dip, and could not do so without smoking up my entire home. We battled my smoke alarm for a good 30 minutes. We drank primarily wine and Kentucky cocktails...made with *a lot* of bourbon. First mistake of the night. This lasted for about 2 hours, and by the time we left, I was drunk enough to be coming back home. My friend Stella was drunk enough to take one of my Koi fish plates in her arms and declare, "This is the most gorgeous plate that I have ever seen !!!" before a very energetic, heartfelt embrace. When you are fucked up enough to share a moment with a plate, you should probably not leave the house. However, we weren't concerned with such "red flags", so we ventured out for the evening regardless of our poor conduct (that wasn't going to get any better).

Of course, the fun wouldn't be complete without a visit from the world's shittiest human being (with whom I live) picking a fight with my barrister friend Minnie that was rooted in the fact that I had Snoop Dogg tickets and he did not. She takes no shit, and in our favor, he chose to pull this crap about 10 minutes before we were leaving anyhow, so it didn't ruin our time. Luckily, we were so drunk and high, that no matter how hard he tried to kill our buzz, he failed miserably!!! Ha ha! I poo in his general direction...

We smoked far too much weed before Chris' performance. To what did this amount? At the very least, we had a predisposition to dramatic reactions to his hairstyles and wardrobe changes, hollering and wide-eyed animated facial expressions during the entire show. After Chris' show, we saw all the pretty pictures, and I remember my friend saying lots of weird things about the art that entertained me. We continued to drink, and drink, and drink some more, until it was time to go to the other gallery.

This time we drank keg beer and, because we had killer munchies, ate about 420 pigs in blankets. These pigs in blankets were so delicious that they were brought up in conversation, nostalgically, several times later on that night. I even approached some strangers on the patio and asked, "Have you tried those piggies? They are damn good and will most certainly change your life." I had completely forgotten about this, until yesterday in the DAAP cafeteria a group of 3 guys that I THOUGHT I'd never seen before approached me, and one of them said, "You're the girl in the purple dress, from the gallery! You told us the story about the piggies...that was awesome!" I smiled, apologized and still do not know who the hell they were. Only god knows what kinda bullshit I fed to them. Weird.

After this gallery, we went to Arlin's. A guy who looks like a 7 ft. tall Waldo drove us, and I managed to say some of the world's most offensive things to him (who woulda guessed?) Here, Stella discovered the "Secret" bar. By this, I mean the back way to the downstairs bar that wasn't open, but we stole straight booze from anyways. Stella stood on a toilet seat and wrote my full name on the bathroom stall walls. Similarly, I did lots of doodling too, but my approach was slightly different (I think). While I wrote out abbreviated versions of her name, I am quite sure that the bulk of my stall wall art embraced the cock-and-balls motif. Weiners...my favorite thing to draw on other people's property.

Shortly thereafter, the negative karma from my acts of vandalism and theft came to bite me in the ass. I was so drunk, that I felt very generous, and started buying rounds, shots, ect. I wanted to barf when I checked my balance online. I wouldn't have even remembered this, had Stella not instructed me to investigate friday evening's altruism. I said the 'F" word a whole lot.

A friend from school drove a few of us back to my place, where we decided to 1. Inflate my kayak in the livingroom floor, so someone could sleep in it (however, there was a full size air mattress directly underneath it that apparently we'd ignored in lieu of the kayak), 2. played some twisted version of quarters, with juice and high ball glasses and sparkling beringer white zinfandel, and 3. woke up my old ass neighbor below, who yelled up from his balcony at us. I'm pretty sure this is the dickwad who filed a complaint.

The next morning, one would anticipate the world's worst hangover. However, we took care of that with a good ol' fashioned wake n' bake. My old roommate from the sorority house came up around 10 AM, and she, stella and I went to eat at my most favorite cafe in Newport. We chose to sit on the patio, where we could soak up some sun. No one else was sitting outside, and we were in a secluded garden where it only seemed logical to smoke more weed. We got a lighter from our very cool waiter (an emo kid) who I am quite sure got a contact high from taking our orders. Needless to say, munchies hit hard and we tore up the menu. I had red wine with my salmon, then opted for a piece of their awesome pie with a glass of milk. Our waiter came out after I'd already put in my dessert order with another glass of wine and a small glass of milk.

"Oh, I didn't order another glass of wine!" I told him.
He said, "I know. We're going to do a little experiment to see what this looks like in your stomach."

He proceeds to pour the milk into the wine and make the nastiest looking creamy mixture I've ever seen. It really fucked with me too, but the munchies helped me stay focused on my slice of pie, so I didn't get too distracted. Also, a skanky lookin' black dude kept walking by us on the street wearing a bengals jersey, and we kept hollering, "Hey!! It's CHAD JOHNSON!!!" and then laughing at ourselves. It was very funny at the time, trust me on this one.

After a very long, crazy lunch in the secluded garden, we went to pick up my buddy Chris and go to lunar mini-golf. On the way there, as we were driving down the highway, a fat ass nasty insect flew into the car and started creeping all over Stella's neck and hair. She flipped the fuck out, and made us pull over so she could get it off of her without causing me to wreck. I pull into this gas station beside this harmless looking red minivan. She gets out, does a spaztic dance, and as she is jumping in circles, I spot a FUCKING CIRCUS CLOWN in the parking lot, getting into the mini van right next to us. We all start laughing, shouting, freakin' out, everything you can imagine. We raced out of the parking lot. The clown was watching us the entire time, and giggling at our shenanigans...

As for the lunar mini golf, It was way suckier than I thought, but they had awesome glow in the dark paintings, and I did win a miniature T-Rex for getting a hole in one on the prize hole. He is currently residing with the weed babies.

After lunar golf, we got lost in a big mall, ate some BBQ chicken and went back to Clifton to drop off Chris. On our way out, we saw a street fight. A young black dude was lifting an old black dude up off the ground by his collar. A whole gang of 7 and 8 year old black kids were in the street watching it all, and everyone else in the neighborhood was on their porches rubberneckin' the shit out of it. It was like a scene from "Don't Be a Menace In South Central While Drinkin' Your Juice in the Hood". We drove by real slow so we could be like the black peoples and watch it, too. We should have probably called the cops, but we were ridin' dirty.

After some power naps, Roomie and I did this shit all over again....went to Christie's, drank ourselves silly, and passed out at my place. We are ridiculous....