It is never a laughing matter when someone gets hurt in this way. However I did thoroughly enjoy reading the description of the perp. See the following message sent via email across campus:
The University of Cincinnati Police have been advised of an assault that occurred on Calhoun Street near West Clifton. This incident happened at approximately 3:30 AM on Sunday morning, February 24, 2008. The complainant states that while he was walking across Calhoun St. a vehicle pulled along side of him and engaged him in conversation. One occupant of the vehicle suddenly jumped out of the vehicle and punched the complainant in the face. The suspect did not get a license number but the vehicle is described as a bright orange Pontiac Firebird, believed to be of the 1980's vintage, with 20"wheels.
If you have any information concerning this incident please contact the
Cincinnati Police at 352-3578, UC Police at 556-1111 or Crime Stoppers
at 352-3040. The UC Police also have a "tip" line to receive information
about criminal activity.
If I was walking down the street, stopped to chitty chat, and randomly got the shit knocked out of my face, I would also certainly make note of those 20" rims on a tricked-out firebird. Does this situation sound odd to you? That's what I thought, and I'll tell you why: It's highly improbable that this person was a victim of a mere punch in the face. Rather, the extreme color and wicked flair of this ballin' Pontiac was a source of distraction so fierce that the victim was not actually struck in the face, but instead robbed, sodomized and given a mushroom stamp, simultaneously at an unquantifiable speed. The brut force he experienced to his face which he called a "punch" was in reality a ruthless physical manifestation of the Pontiac's sheer visual power, which completely erased from his memory a physical description of any other persons involved. This poor, courageous soul was left with only traces of information, in which he has productively used to identify the size of rims to the inch (not 19 but 20 inch rims), and less notably date the model year of this mean machine within a decade. Yet another example of a classic and ongoing struggle: In Man versus Pontiac, Pontiac always wins.
Like I mentioned previously, it is never a joke when someone is seriously injured or attacked, but I felt obliged to convey these truths, as I am a do-gooder, and I do much good, alot, mostly.
So who wants to be on speakerphone when I dial this in to Crimestoppers?!
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