Be Weary of a Rat Tail

How many people do you know who have sported the once-popular rat tail?  That is, a piece of hair growing from the point where the back of the head and the top of the neck meet, with length far-exceeding that of the hair located elsewhere on the head.  Nowadays (especially if you live anywhere near true civilization), rat tails are few and far between.  However, a friend of mine (referred to here as LW to protect her pride and character) had a very special encounter with one that I feel obliged to share with the world.  This encounter will be described in both true and false details, for entertainment's sake, and will of course end with an analysis of the rat tail's iconography and symbolism.  

Once upon a time, there was a party at a gallery, and at this party was a drunk female art student, LW, and a drunk painter, who will be referred to as JC.  JC is an attractive guy, with a fun personality and good manners.  He has cute curly hair, and frontally, is just an overall handsome dude.  He also has a sense of humor, as he was participating in a bet to see exactly how long he could stand to keep his rat tail, which at the time extended down about 2 feet, past the middle of his back.  

When my friend LW met JC, she was intoxicated, feisty and wily.  She actually had the nerve to approach him not with a general greeting such as, "hello," but cut straight to the chase with a direct inquiry of his rat tail.  She was immediately struck by awe, amazement and fascination, and started asking questions that would verify its authenticity.  

"Is this real?"

"How long have you had this?"

so on, so forth...

He, in turn, validated his most amazing braided rat tail, and they continued to engage in conversation, in spurts, throughout the exhibition.  Afterwards, when everyone should have gone home to pass out, they decided to instead go to a local bar to insure only the worst hangovers and regrets for the next day.  

So, at the bar, LW and JC met up again, and continued to chat it up amongst themselves and their friends.  LW, completely wasted at this point, thought it would be a super sexy idea to proposition JC (and his rat tail) for sex, as she leaned over to him and (thought she) whispered in his ear, "I WANNA FUCK YOU TONITE."  In agreement, they went back to his place.  Of course, since so many people got too wasted to drive, and JC lives within walking distance of the local bar, LW and JC staggered back to his place with some very belligerent company, two whiskey-drunk old men, who needed a place to crash.  

Upon arrival to JC's, LW discovered that she would be not only fucking a guy with a rat tail, but that said act would occur in a 12' X 16' studio apartment that would be shared with the drunks.  As they were drunk, they passed out pretty quickly.  One of them slept with his face directly on the hardwood floor, looking away from the bed, while the other drunk dude slept sitting-up about 2 ft. away from the bed where the sex was taking place, with his head cocked back, and eyes half open.  He may or may not have been watching.  

LW's account of the actual sex was positive.  Apparently JC had some serious junk and knew what to do with it.  It was what happened DURING the awesome sex that makes this story magical.  

While she was on the bottom, JC working on top with such vigor and excitement, that his sexual energy began to manifest in - guess where?-his rat tail!!!!!   LW was getting really into it, but JC told her not to be vocal, as there were other people-the drunks- sharing the same small room.  But, the energy in the rat tail was so fierce that the long braid acted on its own, coming around from the back of his head , and like a ring master's whip, cracking forcefully LW's left eye.  In fact, with every thrust, LW was SMACKED IN THE EYE BY THIS RAT TAIL!  The best sex she had experienced in months had been usurped by a single, skanky braid of hair.  And, because of the drunk men in the room, she couldn't say anything to him about it, so it happened for like, 20 minutes! In fact, the rat tail so violently attacked her throughout sex, that she had to get eye drops the next morning!   I am laughing so hard as I type this story, it is truly remarkable, and there's more...!!!!

The morning after, as the drunks peeled themselves off the floor and couch and scampered on home, LW and JC had a conversation, and the rat tail was somehow brought up.  LW said something to the effect of, "I really still can't believe that's real" (in the spirit of her intrigue from the night before), and he replied:

"NO, it's not really real.  Did I say that?  I must've been drunk.  It's actually a Navajo indian hairpiece, made from real human hair, that my friend dared me to wear for a week.  I get to take it out tomorrow.  It's attached by a rubber band like this, see?"  as he demonstrated his REMOVABLE RAT TAIL.  At a complete loss for words, LW stands once again in shock and disbelief.  She had been defeated by a pseudo-rat tail!!!!   

After serious thought and consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the rat tail is a metaphor for a certain type of man:  In the beginning, they are funny and interesting, once you become acquainted, however, they take advantage of you, maybe even abuse you in some way, and in the end, you learn that you thought they were something entirely different all along.  (RWD, am I bitter?  of course!)

  While I am quite sure that JC only had one in his possession, and didn't quite "embody" what a rat tail represents, you should read this lesson as a warning against those guys who really are totaly fuckin' rat tails.  They are no good, and they will do you no good.  That's the moral of the story, kids.